[laurajane]

Mommy2,
I reread your post, you won't get flamed by me, you say you will give your son his nonid when he asked, but yet give him the name and address when he is old enough. Why wouldn't you wait and give him that when he asks as well? i never wanted to know anything about my birthfamily at all, never asked for it never wanted it, but it was given to me and the flood gates opened, now I am in for things I never thought I wanted, partly because I am a twin sister and she wants to know everthing and meet them etc. I can not avoid the outcome at all. I wish I was asked if I wanted the info I was given. We didn't have options back then, whey shouldn't we get the option now?
Laura

[Mommy2amiracle]

Hi, Laurajane,

Thanks for not flaming me. DS stands for darling son and dh is darling husband.

I will share with my son whatever he wants when he wants it. I guess that at this early stage (he is only 4 months) I'm not sure when he will be old enough to search other than the 18yo. Can he search earlier if we request the information or do you need to be the adoptee and older than 18? We are also going to consult a child therapist to learn how to deal with telling him the circumstances of his birth (ie planned termination). I'm not sure how I would handle that emotionally or mentally if I was told those things or read them in the nonid info. We are debating whether we should tell him this verbally as we give him the info papers or let him read it for himself. Others on another message board insinuated that he might not believe us if we just told him.

We are definite in our wanting to be completely honest and open with him when he asks the "hard" questions. We are preparing ourselves on how to introduce the concept of adoption in a couple of years. After that, we will take our cues from him. It's a double edged sword!! How do we reassure him that he can come to us with any questions or requests about his adoption without making him feel "different" or "not part of the family" as I've seen others post here. I had a friend who was always reminded of his status in a family with bio children and he had a very low self esteem which as an adult and aparent, I now can attribute to his treatment by the family.

Yiks!!! this is turning into a book! Thank you all for your various points of view. As a young mother, your posts have given me a roadmap of how to help and not hinder my son as he grows older and wants to complete the whole picture of himself!!

Mommy2amiracle
DS born 11/07/02 and placed in our hearts 11/08/02

[dl]

Certainly don't feel ANY child should feel "grateful" for the love and care of their parents. As an adoptee, I look at all the sad situations many children are forced to deal with and it's a matter of "Thank God I didn't have to live like that". Unlike children that are raised by their biological parents, I know that without adoption, my situation could have been negative instead of positive. Children raised by their biological parents don't feel the "could have been different" feelings.

Hope those that feel adoption is the result of an evil industry will read the following thread "This is my story as an Afather" This is my story as an AFather

Evil industry? Procurers of children? Certainly not in this case!

[Jules P]

Have you ever considered the possibility that your Bmother was forced to give you up? Let me tell ya from experience, this does happen, it happened to me when I was 14.

[laurajane]

No, I never considered that, I posted later in this trend I was thankful to have read these, because I never had considered it and it changed my way of thinking about things. I also said that she already had 2 children. Alot has changed since that post and found out she had had an affair and we were the result of it. She was a married lady and didn't want to be reminded of her guilt.
Thanks for writing back.

[lemonchutney]

I agree that ethics in American adoption need to be standardized and prioritized, but it is a gross overstatement to label all adoption immoral. And it is ridiculously idealistic to suggest that a child must be parented by a genetically related person regardless of whether that person wants to raise the child. People choose to relinquish thier babies for lots of reasons--maybe they want to go to college, to travel, to be accepted by their community, to marry first, or to keep their family size small. You may agree or disagree with the reasons, but regardless of the reason, isn't it best that a child be raised by a person who wants to do nothing more than raise the child? Sure, it's not ideal to be raised by someone who doesn't have much in common with you genetically, but isn't it far better than being raised by someone who looks, acts, and thinks just like you, but resents your existence and wishes fervently that you had never been conceived? So you are genetically different from your parents...Is that the worst thing that can happen to you? What's so horribly bad about being different anyway?! Except for identical twins, we're all genetically unique.

Adoptive parents are often skewered for being middle and upper-middle class. But class weighs in to a lot of b-parents' decisions too. Many don't want to single parent (or, if they are married to parent another child) because doing so would plummet them into a lower financial and social class. Yes, it's easy to sit back and wag your finger and say class shouldn't matter, but guess what it matters greatly to a lot of people. In an ideal world, class wouldn't be an issue. But idealism, not the adoption industry, may be the obstacle to your ability to accept what happened in your life.

[teri lee ring]

i have to agree with you in a lot of ways we didnt choos to be born.we didnt ask for this my mother was a drunk an at 2 or 3 gave me up.now for the last 20 some odd years i sit an wonder an am almost pist with her because of it.adoption has been ****y for me no one told me anything it was always somthing that wasnt discussed around our home.i had a good family but always the one thing that was missed that i have never been able to find.id never put my own kids up why put them throught what ive been going through.i have 3 kids now an married all grown up but still in the back of my mind theres that one thing that happened to me.

[claudia456]

I can't say that I am entirely ungrateful for being adopted, no I did not choose that situation for myself, but how could I at 3 months of age?
Both my adoptive parents are now long past, even though I am only in my mid twenties, they were already in their senior years when I was a baby, I don't really remember all that well what it feels like to be a daughter, or what it's like to have parents who validate me no matter what it is I do.
I did know my b-mom my whole life (although I didn't know who she really was) she was my cousin, after my a-mom passed,b-mom tried to be my mother, only thing is she only thinks of herself, her own feelings, and pawns all of her problems off on me, both personal and financial, I have helped her in every way I could both financially and personally, but I am exhausted, having problems with my career, struggling to find my own way in life, while raising a family of my own, since I have not been giving everything I can, she has sluffed me off once again, won't answer my phone calls, snarks at everything I say, and will only talk of all her other children as if they are so hard done by because they are all on welfare and struggling to look after their children while I am apparently bragging because I have set a good financial path for myself up to this point, what ticks me off is that I grew up poor and was raised to work hard for everything I get in life, if I didn't I would always struggle, and I carry that thought with me everyday, even when I want to give up and not be stuck working 60 hours a week....
I finally met me b-dad, and I don't know about the rest of you but at times I feel a tad bit of jealousy creeping up on me, as much as I want to act like an adult I almost always resort to childish behavior, he has 3 other children who were born with a silver spoon in their mouths, never wanted for anything becasue they have everything, each of them even have brand new vehicles, and not one is old enough to turn a key in the ignition, they are spoiled, but still polite and very loving, and I adore them, but I can't help but to feel left out sometimes, and to feel a little bitter about being adopted, I still can't figure out why I was even placed out in the first place.

[buddah]

If parents wanted the easy way out, they would have had an abortion, birth aint easy, never mind having to give the boy or girl up after having gone through all that, anyways, just glad to be alive, id love to meet my mom, and i have no idea of how to go about seeing her or even getting soe info on her, can anyone email me and give me an idea of what to do?


thanks

[destefani]

I now how you are feeling i sometimes feel the same way but there is nothing we can do about it now. I found my birth mother
almost three years ago and at first i was realy angry and upset at her it toke awhile for me to forgive her for putting me up for adoption. I do not like adoption at all i think that a child should be raised by the parent he or she was born into.
But i have learned that living in the past only make's the heart ack
worse. I'm just greatful that i have the chance to know them now.
Rape , incest , court's these should be the only reason why a child should ever be placed for adoption. Some adoptee's think that by finding there birthparent's make's them complete but for me it only anserd the questioned that i wanted to know were did i come from what's my heritage's why was i given up and who do i look like. But as far as the question of who am i it does not ly with my birth-family it lies with in me. I am who i am i make me nobody else. I am my own person just because my birth mother gave me life and my adopted parents raised me . May have some trat's from both parent.s but that does not make me who i am. i make my own chose'ies life made me. WHO I AM.

Sorry for getting of the subject i do agree with you adoption does stink. Hope everything works out for you

GOOD LUCK

[solonely1974]

Why would anyone say that adoption stinks? I am an adoptee and to be honest I am happy where I am, lost and confused at times but I would never say that adoption stinks.

My a-mother (a social worker) says that bmothers that do put up their children are actually very mature, they are thinking about what is best for their child not what is best for them. That is what all mothers do, wanting the best for their children.

Now, for a bmother to keep the baby just so she can 'have a baby' is very immature, selfish. Maybe because she is looking for love and feels this child will give her the love noone else can give her. That is very selfish. Carry a baby doll around, or babysit.

Obvisously some birth mothers know and feel like there is nothing she can offer this child. So why have herself and that child struggle? That is unfair to the child and for her. Yeah, it would be nice to be with the lady that brought you into this world, but sometimes it is for the best.

I'm in the process of searching for my bmother. She is unsure at this time. Which I understand, but at the same time I don't. But I have to deal with it and move on. I only know that she was young and the birthfather had passed away before I was born. Her parents were very supportive with her decision. I don't think she 'chickened out', 'found the easy way out' I think she thought what was best for me.

So being raped, incest or a court... that should not be the only reason for adoption. If one is not ready for a baby, give the baby to someone who does want him/her. Their are so many loving homes with families that would love to love that child.

But, adoption does not stink, it's a blessing I think.

[dl]

"But, adoption does not stink, it's a blessing I think."

Very well said ~ it has certainly been a blessing for me!

[solonely1974]

Just saying how I feel. It just mind boggling how some feel that it stinks.
You know what, cuz thinking about it again ticks me off once again, whomever feels like it "stinks" you all should thankful you are alive. I don't know, it's hard to explain really.

I mean, I probably had a better life now than if I was kept. But I know there are situations where the adoptive family didn't go good. And I am sorry that some adoptees had to go through that.

But I would never blame the birthparents for putting me up for adoption. They have their reasons. All I have to do is respect that. I get mad sometimes, but that is just because I have so many questions. And if she tells me no, when I try to contact her again, I will just have to buck up and move on. I'll just have to continue to wonder.

We all get mad about being put up but don't blame.

[sunizkreationz]

I have never posted on this forum before but have been keeping a close eye on it in hopes that I will one day see a "special angel" come looking for me. I too am a bmom. Not only am i a bmom but I was also blessed with being an amom. I agree, reality is the key in any situation. Whether it be that we have to face the fact of the underlying reasons as to why a child is given up for adoption and also face the reality that there is a hunger of needing to know where we come from if we are the adoptee.

When I was 20, I was raped and became pregnant. Because of my strict religous upbringing, I could not and absolutely refused to abort this child. God had a plan for this child to be conceived. What right did I have to extinguish it if i had chosen to. So I chose to give my baby up for adoption in order that she would have not only a mother but a father, hopefully. As it turned out, the man I met when I was 5 months pregnant with her, I married almost 2 months later after she was born. This particular man had adopted a child when he was 18 months old with his first wife and was raising this child on his own since her death. I was blessed to be this child's mother 25 years of his 31 years that he was alive. I love this son as well as I do my child I gave up for adoption plus the other two children that i have. He became as much my flesh and blood as my biological children. He knew from day one that he was adopted and that he was "special". He also knew from the time he was a teenager that if he ever chose to look for his bmom, that I would be there to help him and support his search. Fortunately, he was able to find an older brother and his bmom before his fatal car wreck. The weekend he went to meet her, I was on pins and needles, fear of the unknown, joyful because he found what he was searching for, and apprehensive as to if he would be accepted or not. The Sunday he came back after his visit, I heard the sweetest words spill from his mouth. He said, "Mama, I met Barbara. Yes she gave birth to me and I am grateful she did, but you will always be my Mama. You are the one that was here for me when I needed you. You were the ones that helped chase my nightmares away when I was small, took care of me when I was sick, threatened to climb over the teachers' desks if you thought they were doing wrong to me. You will always be my Mama and I love you." Not only did this truely touch me but it also helped me to realize that one day I may be standing in "Barbara's" shoes.

Yes, I gave birth to my daughter. She had no choice in the fact that I placed my faith in an agency that would find her a home with both parents to love her. And one day, I may be opening my door the minute she rings my doorbell to embrace her with loving arms. But, as a friend, not as a mother. her mother is the one that was there for her all these years just I was with my adopted son. Answers to questions? If she is searching and finds me, then she deserves the truth even if it is a harsh reality. Am I grateful to her amom? You better believe I am, She took my child and raised her as her own flesh and blood and to that I am eternally grateful. I put her on a pedestal in my heart.

Yes, reality and truth is harsh, but we all have a desire and need to know. The secret is to have loved ones around when our own crosses are too hard to bear to help pick us up and keep us going.

Suni

[KristieMaureen]

"whomever feels like it "stinks" you all should thankful you are alive."


This is EXACTLY the attitude that infuriates many adoptees... this expectation of eternal gratitude for simply being given the opportunity to breathe. We're alive... we simply shouldn't demand anything more from anyone.

All women, no matter what their life situation, have the same basic options when faced with any pregnancy. They can abort the pregnancy, they can bring the pregnancy to term and relinquish the child, or they can bring the pregnancy to term and keep the child. Those were my choices, and I chose the latter. Do I constantly remind my daughter "Hey, you know, I seriously thought about aborting you or giving you up for adoption... you should be really thankful I didn't do either of those"?? Obviously not! But adoptees should be expected to be thankful just to be alive?? That's an incredibly belittling and naive attitude to have.

I'm thankful for many things in my life... having a great adoptive family, being able to parent a really unique child, working at a job I enjoy, having a circle of wonderful friends. But I will NEVER be thankful to ANYONE simply for choosing to give birth to me.

As for whether or not adoption "stinks"... in theory, not at all. Providing loving homes for children never "stinks". It's how adoption is practiced that many of us find "stinky". The way it stands now, adoption is a market-driven industry capitalizing on the pain of others (birthparents and adoptive parents, primarily) in order to make a buck. Procedures and policies are set in to place to protect the interests of adoption practitioners first, children in need second, and birthparents and adoptive parents last. It's a system that denies the basic human rights of hundreds of thousands of adoptees who eventually become adults, but are never treated as such through a history of secrets and lies. It has spawned multi-million dollar side markets, such as paid search organizations who target vulnerable adoptees and who practice with little to no accountability. Children available for adoption are marketed by the State just as Chevrolet markets it's new pick-up trucks. All of that "stinks".

Things are starting to improve. The increases in kinship care and post-adoption contact between birth and adoptive families are definitely moves in the right direction, in my opinion. But until the profit-motive is removed from adoption, the practice itself will still "stink".

Kristie
Adult Adoptee