[raybuffer]

Originally posted by mom of three
i'm so sad for you that you feel this way, adoption is such a wonderful blessing for so many children. A loving and secure home is so much better than just gentics.....

I think you are replying to the very first message of this thread, but the point I am trying to make is that more should be done today to help birthmothers provide that "loving and secure home" to preserve natural families. I don't think single mothers should be pressured into relinquishing their children simply because a prequalified couple with enough money to pay adoption fees wants a baby. More should be done to assist the birthmother.

At some point adoption went from being a safety net, to becoming a comodity. Safe havens should be a place where mother and child can go to get organized, councilled, and get assistance; not a place where a child can be legally and untracably dumped. The type of parent who dumps their baby in a dumpster is going to do it regardless of a law that says they can do so 'legally' at a firestation. I believe there is psychological element in parents who abandon in such a manner that no Safe Haven law currently addresses nor does it deter that parent from repeating their behavior over and over.


Best Regards,

Ray Buffer

[Rosalind]

ray

What a caring thoughtful young man you are a credit to your adoptive parents.


I totally agree with you about the adoption industry. Would think the women who "dump" their babies are ill.

I do so hope you find the answers you seek.

Those in the triad need someone like you to let "some sunshine" in on the adoption laws. You appear to have a genuine empathy and understanding of the raw emotions that are so much a part of adoption.

Good luck

Rosalind
Birth mother circa 1959, reunited almost one year.

[prettieststar]

I don't care for the phrase grateful or not grateful you were adopted.

[kjblackburn]

Prettiestar ...You have said this much better than what I did.
Ray ...I would agree that you are a credit to your parents but
I would not automatically ascribe all of that credit to those people
that adopted you.Maybe some but most certainly not all.
Mallory ...No offense meant but I guess that it is you who are
young and inexperienced.If you are truly happy with your
situation then I am happy for you but there are those of us that
are not.And why should people like me be forced to live with a
totally uncomfortable life just because you and others are still
in your state of youthful bliss.
Mom of 3 ...Babies are very often snatched away from genetic
homes that do have love and enough security to get by.
Sandyy ...Marriage is a CONSENTUAL bond between two mature
adults (in most cases anyway) and does not compare very well
at all with an adoption finalization.A wife is not a sister to her
husband's siblings nor is she a daughter to his parents.That
would be why they refer to it as in-law.
Laura Jane ....I would guess that you are older than Mallory but
still very young.Birthmothers in the time when I was born just
did not have the capabilities of fighting with Social Services that
they do today.And what is so bad about eating tuna out of the
can?The lavish and expensive material comforts that were
provided to me are not those things which are most important
in life.
I am very grateful to my birthmother for carrying me to term and
for giving me a wonderful first family.I am grateful to the
adoptors for trying their best in most cases.I am not at all
grateful to the state for it's unwanted involvement in my life.
Just for clarity's sake I was one of those babies that was snatched away from a mother with no husband.
Kevin Blackburn age 37 Adoptee Rights Activist in WI

[raybuffer]

Linda,

Everything you have said and stand for is invaluable. It is refreshing to see someone post who is an advocate for educating birthmothers on the facts of today, and not from an agenda of procuring babies.


Prettieststar,

I did comment on your post, but it seems to have disappeared in forumland as I don't see it on this thread, but to abbreviate:

I can understand your distaste for the word "Grateful", as afterall, adoptees should not feel like they were a burden or are indebted for having the life they have. No more than children who grow up in natural genetic families. Happy adoptions are a two way road from which adoptive parents benefit as well.


Best Regards,

Ray Buffer

[raybuffer]

(found my post, evidently I accidently started a new thread rather than 'replying'...I've deleted the thread but here was the original text...)


I used the term grateful out of habit. Perhaps a bad one. I think I see where you are coming from. I love my adoptive parents as well and when I say "Grateful" I mean, I appreciate the life I've been given and the one they supported. I think it is a quagmire to be expected to "owe" adoptive parents something... for that paints us as a "burden". The truth is, successful adoptions are a win win situation for adoptive parents and children since they each fulfill one another's needs and are "grateful" for one another.

Along those lines, I think that some adoptees are afraid to search for their origins because they feel that may be construed as being "ungrateful" to their adoptive parents. This proves to be true when you see the numbers of adoptees who do not search until one or both adoptive parents have passed.

Unless the adoptive parent does feel their adoptee is a burden, I would think the loving, but perhaps difficult thing to do is to support the adoptee in their search, realizing that the search has nothing to do with their performance as a parent, and is in no way a statement of being "ungrateful".

Ray

[dpen]

WOW, this tread conjured up so many conflicting feelings in me!! I KNOW genetics alone does not make a family!! Just read the papers listen to the news, many bio familys are not fit to bring up children...horrible beatings, ect. Adoption can save those childrens lives. Yes, maybe the correct intervention may help some, but we don't live in a perfect world. Adoption is definently the beter choice for these children.

A far as feeling grateful, I feek conflicted about that also, I don't feel we adoptees need to be on our knees and feel grateful all of our lives. I can remember as a child being told by other people not involed in adoption"you are so fortunate" Yes I was fortunate to have been adopted into a wonderful family...but they were just as fortunate to get me!!!

As far as adoption being a commodity, as true as that might be, I find it very sad! I was adopted through the state...no money involved....as were my asiblings. MY mantra is "the best interest of the child" Some genetic situations are not as some adoptive situations are not in the best interest of the child!

[laurajane]

Kevin,
Thank you for going into more background from your first post. Reading these replies has been very good for me. I always thought that I wasn't wanted, but that may be the case or may not. Like I said before they were married and already had 2 kids, so that changes things. The scenarios in my head could win me an olympic medal in gymnastics. FlipFlop. I never really thought about the state taking me for whatever reasons. So maybe I could be a little more understanding. Thanks for everyones input. Have a Great weekend. PS, I'm 33 but still get carded buying lottery tickets

[patrisha]

"the best interest of the child?"

That was the reasoning that my son was raised in a single parent low income family instead of with me.

I have posted my story before, but the readers digest version is that my birth son & I found out that his adoption was orchestrated in 1969 by a well meaning social worker and the nun's at the hospital he was born at. When I changed my mind about placing him, and wanted to take him home with me I was told he needed to stay for more observation (he was slightly premature). I checked out and returned for him later. I was told when I returned that I had already signed the papers and he had been "placed". Even the CI that handled our reunion suspected his legal relinquishment papers were a forgery. The handwriting wasn't even close to the preliminary documents I had completed.

As my life stabilized his adoptive family disintegrated. His parents divorced and his a/mom was left to raise him alone. She was a wonderful lady that truly loved him, but in this case the "tuna eating" was done in the adoptive family at a time when his bio family could afford steak.

Hind sight is always 20/20, who's to say the "best interest of the child" today will be the same in the future? More than one well to do family has gone bust and to the best of my knowledge divorce has no social or economic boundaries.

In a time when the powers that be are advocating "maintaining the family unit" I can't imagine a better place to start than keeping mothers and children together if at all possible.

At the very least there should be laws that regulate open adoptions the same as custody arrangements with legal repercussions for non-compliance.

Ray - I agree with you about safe havens. A mother that would use a "safe haven" is caring and would not just throw away her child anyway. I also think safe havens provide an opportunity for other family members to remove a child that ordinarily they would not have the legal right to do. I would wager often the child's mother is given little or no choice in the matter.

[dpen]

Patrisha, that was my point excatlly!! In that situation thebest interest of the child was not followed. It was well meaning people that truly have no clue about adoption but think they know whats best!!! I am so sorry for what happend to you. Thats why legalities need to be maintained...your child was kidnapped from you. But my point is that in the reunion isssues of adoption the adoptees feelings need to be kept at the forefront.

Do you have a relationship with your child now?

[dpen]

Patrisha, that was my point excatlly!! In that situation thebest interest of the child was not followed. It was well meaning people that truly have no clue about adoption but think they know whats best!!! I am so sorry for what happend to you. Thats why legalities need to be maintained...your child was kidnapped from you. But my point is that in the reunion isssues of adoption the adoptees feelings need to be kept at the forefront.

Do you have a relationship with your child now?

[patrisha]

dpen -

Yes my son & I are happily about a year and a half into our reunion. He and his 1/2 sis have also begun getting close. Since both were raised as only children, having a sib has been a treat.

The only glitch was that he had over prepared for a negative reaction from me and under prepared for a warm reception.

Since everyone is different, there are no "book of rules" and we have pretty well smoothed over the rough edges now.

I have been truly blessed with a loving family, the only hole in my heart was worrying about what happened to him. Hearing from him was a dream come true that I never dared to dream in the first place!

[dpen]

patrisha, I am happy things have workedout for you. life can be so dificult at times!!Sounds like it was a good reunion. Donna

[Mommy2amiracle]

I am an adoptive mom and a new one at that so I guess that I'm a bit shell shocked by this thread! I went to the sites that reunitedmom3 suggested and am a bit offended to be honest. Infertile couples don't resent the birthmother's fertility. You portray all adoptive couples as spiteful and manipulative.

I don't want my son to be grateful to us or his birthfamily for his existence. We want him to be himself and not who we think he should be.

Not all birthparents are young unwed mothers who are being shanghied by the adoption industry. Our son's birthparents are the same age as us, mid-thirties, are married and have 3 children already. They were planning on doing a partial birth termination, but went into pre-term labor. They didn't think that ds would survive and when he did, they said that they couldn't parent. Why, I don't know. We, my dh and I, did not ever pursue a "healthy white infant", but rather left the questionnaire pretty open because when you have a child biologically, you don't get to choose. We have his non id information and will share it with him when he asks. We also have his birthmom's name and address and will share that with him when he is of age to pursue finding his birthparents if he wishes. I know that I would be curious to find out my background and to meet my siblings.

I'm sure that I'll be flamed out of existence by posting this reply, but I just feel that adoptive parents should not all be lumped together as evil, manipulative people who love to do nothing, but snatch innocent children from their mothers.

Mommy2amiracle

[laurajane]

Hello,
I've posted here before, but keep seeing ds and dh etc. what do those mean? Thanks for any input anyone can give.
Have a great Thursday. Almost Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!