[Search Angel]

i find it strange that adoptees so often thank their parents for life. A woman said to me, .... do children raised by their biological parents thank them for life? why should adoptees have to feel greatful that we are here, as if biological children kept by their parents have more signifigance and don't need to thank for life....

personally i feel like since i new i was always adopted, and new i obviously wasn't planed i was still the accident. i was still the unwanted child. for this i should be greatful? Should i be greatful that i was a walking living person who felt aborted? after all, i was aborted from my original life into another...

i just don't understand where this threads topic comes from...and why it has such signifigance here.

i'm a very happy person, i have found my mother and father whom i was seperated from for 22 years, i have and will continue to have a sucessful life....but why the need to thank for life, when i shaped my life. i made my life. i structured my life when nobody else was there for me. Should i be greatful to my aparents for raising me even though i never asked to be raised by them, nor did i ask to be adopted, but i am the one to say thank you?

what is this people pleasing energy that surrounds adoptees and why do we continue giving into it. society tells us to be so greatful that we are adopted emphasizing the "alternative" to adoption, and i think that is just plain ridiculous. you do not go to a child who was kept by their parents and say.....you should be so greatful you were not aborted. why do they do it to adoptees?

please don't assume one should be greatful to be seperated from the only life they new, hopefully they are sent to a good home, many are, many aren't, either way, we are supposed to be greatful?

i just don't understand why so many people feel this way.

Kali

[sweetnoodle]

I am so totally glad you said this. I have never understood this either. It seems illogical. According to what I believe spiritually, if a baby is miscarried or aborted, it automatically is in the presence of the Lord in Heaven. So, although I hate abortion I don't think this idea of those children suffering is valid. They may be gone from this earth, but they never had to live in this sin filled world. So, if I would have been aborted I would be with the Lord. I'm supposed to thank my mom for not aborting me? That's just too weird. Why would I? I am so thankful for these forums. Most people, even Christians, would think I'm heretical.

[ADad]

I am not adopted and I am grateful every day that my parents gave me life. I have thanked them. I also pray that all my children, both biological and adopted, are grateful that they have been given life and for the life which we as parents have sought to give them. I want with all my heart to be a thankful person and to raise thankful children and to encourage others to "in everything give thanks".

My children, both bio and adopted have had some very tough things to deal with, things they did not choose and had no control over. So have I. My hope is that I will respond constructively to those things and that I will be a positive example to those who know me.

Not to minimize the impact of negative experience, but to concentrate on what I can do today to shape tomorrow for myself, my children and the others around us.

ADad

Originally posted by Search Angel
i find it strange that adoptees so often thank their parents for life. A woman said to me, .... do children raised by their biological parents thank them for life? why should adoptees have to feel greatful that we are here, as if biological children kept by their parents have more signifigance and don't need to thank for life....

personally i feel like since i new i was always adopted, and new i obviously wasn't planed i was still the accident. i was still the unwanted child. for this i should be greatful? Should i be greatful that i was a walking living person who felt aborted? after all, i was aborted from my original life into another...

i just don't understand where this threads topic comes from...and why it has such signifigance here.

i'm a very happy person, i have found my mother and father whom i was seperated from for 22 years, i have and will continue to have a sucessful life....but why the need to thank for life, when i shaped my life. i made my life. i structured my life when nobody else was there for me. Should i be greatful to my aparents for raising me even though i never asked to be raised by them, nor did i ask to be adopted, but i am the one to say thank you?

what is this people pleasing energy that surrounds adoptees and why do we continue giving into it. society tells us to be so greatful that we are adopted emphasizing the "alternative" to adoption, and i think that is just plain ridiculous. you do not go to a child who was kept by their parents and say.....you should be so greatful you were not aborted. why do they do it to adoptees?

please don't assume one should be greatful to be seperated from the only life they new, hopefully they are sent to a good home, many are, many aren't, either way, we are supposed to be greatful?

i just don't understand why so many people feel this way.

Kali

[Search Angel]

thats great adad,

but do you find a "thank you for life" section in the adoptive parents forum? how about the birthfamily forums? how about on any other message board except an adoptee forum.....i've never seen one, and my entire life i've been told how greatful i should be that i'm adopted. how "lucky" i am. and i should be so "thankful". so when i come to this site, and see a "thank you for life" forum, perhaps it strikes a cord in my conscious, or unconscious mind.

is it a positive example to minimize an adoptees feelings by telling them how greatful they should be that they are adopted, which in my child and adolescence years meant "seperated from their first parents for whatever reason"? it doesn't matter the reason, it doesn't matter the circumstances, because the pain is still there. and that is what i'm getting at.

being told to be greatful when you are hurting sent me a mixed message. Maybe i'm the only one. But i am still here to express it.

i get the feeling that you feel that my expression of this, makes me someone who has not "concentrated on what I can do today to shape tomorrow for myself, my children and the others around us."

which is too far from the truth. Infact i have made a life i never even believed i would, and i'm quite proud of myself, i have accomplished every goal i planned to by my age, and i'm still on the same path. but that doesn't mean i cannot express my feelings, and a way i have felt in the adoptee section of this forum without having it unvalidated by assumption which happens oh so often in message boards when someone hears a voice different from theirs. which is why theres nothing left to do but smile smile smile

so cheers to you adad, and may you continue to be a positive example to those who know you!

aloha

Kali

[ADad]

I am a very new member, about a week now, and I hadnt found a 'thank you for life' section in any of the forums. I found your thread while reading the 'new messages'. I think your point is very well taken. I am sorry that my message came across to you as mixed. It certainly wasnt my intention to minimize anyones feelings. Just trying to share my own. I assure you I made no assumption as to your intentions past or present. I was merely trying to speak words of encouragement.

[KristieMaureen]

Kali,

I think you've posted what so many of us feel/have felt. I know I've been irritated, even angry, that so many people who are otherwise completely rational, seem to think that, as adoptees, we should spend the rest of our lives feeling indebted.

In all honesty, though, I don't think most people think about it fully. They are simply trying to find something to say in response to finding out we're adopted, and "oh you must be so thankful that you have these wonderful people here who adopted you" seems like a safe thing to say.

I also think it stems from decades of social science literature that advanced the idea that any adoptee who expressed more than a mild interest in their life before adoption as being psychologically troubled. Any adoptee who wanted to know more than basic non-identifying information or, heaven forbid, actually wanted to locate their biological family, were considered neurotic products of unsuccessful adoptions. The adoption industry advocating telling adoptees "you don't need any other information. We gave you a new family and you should be happy with that. What's wrong with you? Don't you appreciate our efforts to make your life better? Do you want to hurt your aparents?" Basically the idea was to guilt adoptees out of searching. Unfortunately, the language has stuck, and many groups still try to guilt adoptees, particularly adult adoptees, out of demanding their equal right to know and possess all information pertaining to their birth.

We shouldn't feel guilty. We appreciate our aparents as much as biological children appreciate their parents (or not, as the case may be for either group). We also shouldn't allow others to continue to use outdated language. When someone asks if you feel grateful for your existence, grateful that you weren't aborted... I'd turn the question around and ask them the same thing. If and when someone asks me if I feel guilty about searching, I'll ask them if they feel guilty about conducting genealogical searches in their family... if they feel guilty about discovering their biological history. If they ask me why I think I should be able to "invade the privacy" of my birth family by demanding my original birth certificate, I'll ask them why they think they should be able to invade my privacy by trying to make my efforts to conduct a personal family genealogical search illegal through various legislation that is being proposed nationally (legislation that would seal adoption records for 99 years and criminalize searching).

Please don't read this post and assume I'm some militant, unhappy adoptee. The opposite is actually true. I'm just as tired as others of being relegated to the status of a second-class citizen; of not having the same rights as non-adopted adults; of forever being considered, in the eyes of the law, the adopted "child"; of people trying to continue to stygmatize "illegitimate" births... my "illegitimate" birth; of social attitudes that, despite the increased openness in adoptions, still try to make me feel ashamed of having been born under less than optimal circumstances.

For me, I try to assume people have best intentions, but at the same time I know it's my job to educate them a little better about the impact of their choice of words... because if I don't, who else will?

[Jane8359]

Hi everyone,
I think Kali has a good point. Who else is expected to be grateful to have been born?
While talking with my b-mom a few months ago she made the most hurtful remark, she said:
Getting pg was the biggest, worst mistake I ever made. Then I had to suffer being STUCK with it for 9 months!!

Geez, I should be grateful to her??

I think my spirit would've found another way to come here to travel this lifewalk regardless.

That said, I'm in constant agony that my b-mom doesn't seem to want to have a relationship, or much of one, with me.
I feel as if I am just as defective as I"ve always told myself I am.
I want to "people please" to get her to want to be around me. I'm pathetic!

[Swanson]

Is there anything wrong with just being thankful , adopted or not? life is a gift!! "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" What a thought to know God knew you while you were being formed.. \o/ "Thank you God"

[debsdone]

There is always something to be thankful for. As an adoptee, I believe that my situation was better than it would have been if I hadn't been adopted. to believe that is my choice. I have put any feeling of discontent into the raising of my kids the way I wish it had been for me. I agree that to hold adoptees thankful for life above others is dumb. But the thinking behind it is kind. It's good to know what hurts and to deal with it. But it is much better to focus on the positive. And it is possible to choose. At least I believe it is. Debi

[tescat95]

im not so sure , i personally ,am thankfull that my birthmom put me up for adipotion . though i know her reason . but im greatfull , i guess in ways . she could of ended "MY " life . i wouldnt of even had a chance . but yet i woulnt of know any of this eaither , if she would of ended "MY" life. as for my adopted parents . i didnt ask to be brought into this world , i didnt ask to be adopteed by them or anyone else . i was only 5 months old at the time of my adoption .but at the same time , im sure glad they found me. my adopteed mom & dad are good eggs , i think [ i know] ill keep them , too.

[A_mothers_love]

Deleted this post out of cosideration for my sons feelings

[A_mothers_love]

Deleted out of love

[debsdone]

I am curious, when you say "lost to adoption" does that mean ALL adoptions, or those cases where the b-mother feels she had no say? I am not exactly sure why, but that term makes me really uncomfortable, offended, I guess. ?? Debi

[ADad]

Not all adoptive parents do so because they cannot conceive.

I dont believe any of my children were 'given' to me. I do believe that they were entrusted to me by God.

Choosing every day to be grateful for life,

ADad

Originally posted by A_mothers_love
I believe the only people in the adoption triad who are grateful are the adopters, they were the ones who couldnt concieve, so chose adoption, meaning they were given a baby. You do not feel grateful for living.

[Carol Bird]

When my daughter, at age 32, reunited with me in 1986, among the many things she said was the line "Thank you for giving me life!"

My feeling was THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME INTO YOUR LIFE!

After 16 years in reunion, the first few a bit rough, and 16 years of knowing her parents, who I honestly love and respect, I thank GOD for guiding me to the decision I made 49 years ago this coming February. It was a good decision, in spite of the pain of separation from my daughter all those years.

It really isn't necessary to thank your birthmother for giving you life. You deserve life -- You never did anything not to deserve life.

You are special, and don't ever doubt it.
Hugs, Carol
Birthmom in reunion 16 years.