[hnnybnny]

Hi... I also feel abandoned even though I did have a good childhood with my a-parents. The feeling that a mother could do this, the ultimate act of rejection is just unconceivable to me as a mom. I have always heard and believe now that I'm a mom, that a mother will always love their child...geez even Ted Bundy's (the serial killer) mother loved him..even after the crimes he commited. And I know that a lot of bmom's do say that because of the time they lived in they couldn't keep the child...but even though I hear all these words, I still can not help feeling the way I do. As far as saying that adoption sucks..i don't know if that is true, but if it is supposed to be such a "wonderful" thing than why are all the parties involved in so much pain? For so many years i held all of it in and tried to be the happy go lucky person that i am perceived to be..but inside I feel empty, broken and just sad.

[nursemelanie]

Wow. This makes me so sad. I am an adoptee too, and I never felt that way. I was curious of course, but grateful that my birthmom made the ultimate sacrifice to give me a better life.
I found her about four years ago at the age of 32. She confirmed what I assumed.............that she was young and single and knew that she couldn't give me a good life. When I was born (in 1968), it was really scandalous for an unwed woman to have a baby. I also met my half sister, who was raised with my birthmom. She is actually jealous of me, and wishes that our mom would have placed her for adoption. Apparantly she had a lousy childhood, with our mom having lots of boyfrinds and no stability.
I have a niece who is adopted, and I hope she never feels the way you do. She is 4 years old and already knows that she is adopted and knows all about her birthmom. She is SO loved by her parents, brother, and extended family, so I hope that her attitude later will be like mine.
I wonder if finding your birth-family would make you feel better?

[littlebitjen]

hnnybnny;

I understand where you are coming from as I came to the same realizations after having my own daughter. As a female adoptee I think it is even more powerful when we give birth and then to have a girl just like my mother did - Wow! Unfortunately I was no longer able to recite the same old "I am grateful she made the ultimate sacrifice" and "I am happy she loved me enough to give me away" rhetoric that I grew up spewing. Did she love me? Most likely but I don't see this as a natural mother issue rather a societal issue. The fact that society looks down on unwed mothers making them feel ashamed and unworthy is what perpetuates the separation of mother and child.

The fact that an adoptee support forum has a board called "Thanks For Life" says alot about the entire system. They feel shame, we feel grateful...you don't see biological children running around thanking their parents for giving them life! How obserd an idea! Before anyone brings it up - there are alot of "biological" children who could have been aborted so don't use that as a crutch. Grateful keeps us from questioning the entire system and it keeps us quiet for fear of being "ungrateful".

Anyway, there are many, many, many other adoptees that feel the same way as you do hnnybnny. If you need to chat just shoot me an email.

Jennifer

[hnnybnny]

thanks jennifer, I appreciate hearing another person's point of view. I really try hard not to get too down on any one (bmom's or myself) but some days are just hell. I am in the waiting stage hoping to hear something from bmom and it is making me bitter..which i don't want to become. Oh well thanks for listening :O)

[mlassi]

Hi Hnny,
Hope you get a response soon. I understand much of what you posted too.
Mary

[Elly-adoptee]

hnnybnny

I recently found my bmum - believe me adoption was not the easy option.

My mum had to take me in her arms with a bag of clothes to the agency, sign a form and pass me over, then travel home on her own.....come on your a mum...could you imagine yourself doing that?

Sorry, I don't mean to be cruel, just that knowing what my mum went through I have a great regard for birth mothers (I also appreciate there are mothers who simply don't care, but that's not the case for most)

Hope you find you mum soon.....in the mean time, dont loose prescious time with your own children....

Elly

[ehan031]

hnnybnny~

Obviously as adoptees we all understand the different feelings we've all been through. But, I also think it's important to understand that the pain your bmom went through was (most likely) a completely selfless pain. She didn't have to inflict it upon herself, but she did something for you. It's normal to feel sad, upset, angry or confused. It's a tough situation at times. But, reunions and fantasies with bmoms aren't all they are thought to be. Most of the anger, and therefore, most of the solutions, come through yourself and a better, higher understanding of true intentions and desires. I'd imagine bmom's being put in a position similar to that in 'Sophie's choice' Where a WWII mom in a concentration camp with her 2 daughters, is forced by Nazi's to choose which one they will kill. What kind of a decision is that? Either way someone will be hurt for life. Maybe that's extreme, but the supreme and unimagineable heartache is the same. As a mom, we are willing to sacrifice anything for our chidren. It's selfish to think that we are the only ones hurting, and they are on and about their way, loving life and never regretting a thing. Bmoms think about us, love us, and went through hell and back for us. They may never see or know of us again, as we them. But, dwelling in hatred or anger is a selfish, unproductive way to go about things. What we CAN do is make OUR life productive, something any mom would be proud of, and believe in ourselves. Wallowing about past decisions won't help us move forward in the future. in order to be the best person, parent, daughter, etc., I think it's vital that we embrace what's good, talk about what's bad, and start a new legacy with ourselves. I don't mean to offend, at all! Maybe it's something to think about? I'm not saying you will (or should) just 'get over it' but maybe open your heart and mind to see all of what is involved. Sorry if I said anything to cause anyone offense, it's not purposefully.

[hopeful0712]

ehan031,
Well said. As a bmom, I can honestly say my children are always with me. I think about them every day. Wonder how they are, what they are doing. I only hope one day we can meet each other and honestly communicate our feelings.
God bless,
Robin

[Elly-adoptee]

hnnybnny

TOTALLY, TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU!

I was brought up as the middle child. All 3 of us had exactly the same upbriging - but we all turned out different.

Ok, so none of us are blood relatives and there must be an element of individual genes, but essentially we make our own way in life.

All life experiences make us who we are today - Good & Bad

Being adopted doesnt make us a different person, just that we have different experiences from those who are not.

Q. If you did not know you were adopted - would you be a different person to who you are today?

I suggest the answer is no.

Elly

[Montraviatommyg]

hnnybnny,

I can't begin to understand what you're going through so really I'm responding in defence of the bmums out there, including myself, who had their child(ren) adopted. We all have our reasons for doing so and unless you have been through it yourself you can't really understand but please don't take that the wrong way as I'm just trying to make a point .

For me personally I was pressured into having my bson adopted even though I had a good job so could have provided for him financially as well as emotionally. Before we were reunited he was only mentioned three times over the years, the last time 11 years ago so I was carrying a load of negative feelings for 23 years.

It took reunion for me to work through this but reunion was unintentionally the best therapy I've had as it gave me a chance to talk about why he was adopted which he has accepted. We have been through many emotions together but it has been worth it as we worked through it and are building on our relationship.

I know this wont make you feel any better I just wanted to give you another side to how people feel.

Hugs,
Montravia