[erinpatricia]

Hi everyone,

I hear a lot of adoptees say that they are thankful to their bmothers for chosing to give them life...My story is a little diff b/c my bmom didn't decide to give me life...

She was raped at age 14 and didn't know that she was pregnant...She was not sexually active...and blocked out the rape...She started to experience flu like symptoms about 7mths into pregnancy...Her symptoms worsened and her mother eventually took her to the ER...There they performed an emergency c-section and thus I was born...needless to say I was a big surprise!

My bmom had pre-eclampsia (sp?) and was having seizures...when she finally started to get better...she asked what was going on...she noticed the incision from the c-section...a nurse told her not to worry that she'd still be able to wear a two piece bathing suit...Finally her sister told her what had happened....

My bmom never saw me...We were both in the hospital for a while...but we never met...to my knowledge no one in her family ever saw me...

I have a few ques...Did any of you have an experience similar to mine? How should I deal w/ the hurt of knowing my mother was raped and that I am a result of that violence? Do you think there is less of a natural bond between mother and child when the mom doesn't know she's pregnant until after she gives birth?

I feel like my birthmom and I def have a very special bond...but it's hard for me to think about what a tramatic conception, development and birth I had...my mom never had a chance to bond w/ me in utero...but I feel like I must have bonded w/ her...after all it's her voice I heard and her body that I inhabited for 7 + mths...

I wonder if that's why I feel like I am much more involved in our reunion...I searched for her...I mailed the first letter...I tend to call her or make plans with her...

We haven't talked in a little over a week...things are kinda messed up right now...and I feel like if I don't call her we may never talk again...

I'm angry b/c my mother never comforted me in the womb, never saw me after birth...I feel bad that I'm angry...If I hadn't been born she probably would have never remembered the rape...I feel like my life has been a constant reminder of the rape...I feel quilty about so many things

I feel like I need her so much and I feel like it wouldn't matter to her if we ever had met...I'm grateful that she even was open to a reunion, but I'm angry b/c I feel like I've put so much more of myself into it....AHHHH!

This is just such an emotional journey...I thought that finding my bmom would answer my ques...but in a way it has created a million more questions...

~Erin

[FL_GirlByProxy]

Hi Erin,

You are so brave to share your story. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!

I am a birthmother, but there is no way I can compare my experience with your birthmother's experience. I am sure that more adoptees/birthmoms in more similar situations will respond to you.

I can only ask you to look at some painful aspects of your relationship with your birthmom right now. It is quite possible that you are the stronger one for the moment. I know it is a strange point of view, but you are reaching out today, she may not have the stregth to do that today. She may be trying to deal with this completely on her own right now. She may not know quite how to deal with it.

I am no expert. I did give up my son 19 years ago in a closed adoption, very painful, but so different from your birthmother's experience.

After reading your email, I tried to picture a 14 year old girl in her situation. I just cannot imagine it. When I was 14, I knew practically nothing about physical relationships, and nothing about rape. (I hope young women are more educated today.)

Your birthmom blocked out her pregnancy at age 14. I'm sure that she is now dealing with some of the difficult memories, but this is not your fault. This is not her fault.

Give her time, and be patient. Let her know that you are there for her if she's going through some tough emotions. You might even suggest therapy for the two of you? This situation is one of the most difficult I have ever read about. You've got to know that there are people here that are praying and hoping for you and your birthmother.

Please remember, Erin, that I'm sure there are more qualified people who will post to you. I wanted to make sure that you knew that I hear your heartache and I'm praying for you.
Peace,
LeeAnn

[erinpatricia]

LeeAnn,

Thank you so much for your insight...

I never thought about the fact that I might be the strong one right now...I think sometimes I'm stronger than I realize...

My bmom never really received any help or counseling after she was raped...she says that she hasn't remembered anything about it...but I'm not sure if she'd tell me if she had...

I've thought a lot about being in her situation as a 14 year old...and it is just unimaginable...

She had been going through some other tough things at the time as well....Her father died the year before...he died of a heart attack and was only in his early 40's...Then her mom had surgery and suffered from complications which is why my bmom was staying w/ her sis and sister's husband...where she in turn was raped...

I think of how innocent and carefree my life was at 14...I worried about stupid things...but life was good...I feel so awful for her and all that she's been through....

She's such an amazing, strong woman...and I guess sometimes I don't think about the fact that maybe she's not able to be strong all the time...I think a lot of times she acts strong for me...but I can only imagine what's going on in her mind...

I'm trying so hard to give her time...I'm just so impatient sometimes and I know it's not fair to her...I just don't want to waste anymore time...I know that we can't make up for the time we've been apart, but I don't want to waste the time we do have...

I've told her that I'm here for her anytime...but, she's not a very open person...which is hard b/c I can sense when she's hurting, but she won't let me or anyone else in...

I'm the exact opposite in that way...When I have a problem she's the first one I call...and I think maybe that's a lot to ask of her right now...she has so much of her own stuff to deal with...

Thanks again! You really helped me to try to look at my bmom's side of things...I've been trying to do that all along, but you pointed out things I'd never thought of...and I'm working on the not feeling guilty thing...it's just hard not to sometimes...

~Erin

[FL_GirlByProxy]

[quote]Originally posted by erinpatricia
[b]LeeAnn,

My bmom never really received any help or counseling after she was raped...she says that she hasn't remembered anything about it...but I'm not sure if she'd tell me if she had...


Erin, I think she really needs to go through professional counselling. She has to get the anger out. It's all pent up inside, and she may not even realize it. Is her sister open to helping her take this step and seek professional counseling?

quote:
"She's such an amazing, strong woman...and I guess sometimes I don't think about the fact that maybe she's not able to be strong all the time...I think a lot of times she acts strong for me...but I can only imagine what's going on in her mind..."


This amazing strong front she has is meant to protect her, but it's also meant to protect you. Again, always remember, don't feel guilty. Neither of you are at fault for her feelings. It is a natural instinct for a mother to protect her daughter. She is protecting both of you, but at this point, she needs a professional to help her bring this front down and confront her justifiable anger.

quote:
"I'm trying so hard to give her time...I'm just so impatient sometimes and I know it's not fair to her...I just don't want to waste anymore time...I know that we can't make up for the time we've been apart, but I don't want to waste the time we do have..."

You are not wasting any time that you have. She needs someone to stand beside her, and that is what you're doing. You will look back on this as one of your most critical parts of your relationship with her, just being there, letting her know that you are there. Again, she's protecting you. She can't help it.

quote:
"I've told her that I'm here for her anytime...but, she's not a very open person...which is hard b/c I can sense when she's hurting, but she won't let me or anyone else in..."

She is protecting you. She doesn't want you to feel the pain, or to feel any guilt. You shouldn't feel guilty. Because of your connection, you can't help but feel her pain. It's because you love her, plain as day.

quote:
"I'm the exact opposite in that way...When I have a problem she's the first one I call...and I think maybe that's a lot to ask of her right now...she has so much of her own stuff to deal with..."

My opinion, don't stop calling her with your problems. She will gain strength in helping you through, and she will get a better sense of her purpose in your life, and your life in hers. As long as she's receptive, let her help, and let her know how much her help means to you. Sometimes it's a relief when small problems give me a break from the bigger ones. Working together will strengthen your bond with each other.

Erin, it seems to me that you are both going to go through so much to be at peace, but it's going to be worth it. Your mom should have had therapy long ago. I am thankful that you are in her life, and I am sure that she is thankful, too. She may give her sister, or possibly a close friend, a little more leverage as far as guiding her to get help. You may be able to be the first dominoe in this journey, by speaking to her sister or a close friend. Just a thought, and remember you are all in my prayers.
Peace,
LeeAnn

[erinpatricia]

LeeAnn,

Thanks for you're input!! I def feel like my bmom should get some prof help...She was in therapy for a little while, but is was b/c of marital probs...so I don't think it really addressed the rape...

As for her sis helping...I doubt it...her sis left w/ her husband (my bfather) after he raped my mom...she chose him over her own sis...I can't understand that! but I do know that they were into drugs and all kinds of stuff...so I don't know what effect that had...anyway, my bmom talks w/ her sis occasionally and I've met her once...but she's not a very responsible person at all...I don't feel like she would help my mom get into counseling.

I've talked to mom about counseling...I even found her the name of a good therapist in her area....but she never called...I don't know how to help her, b/c it doesn't seem like she wants help...maybe she's afraid of remembering things....I dunno...

Her way of dealing w/ things is to keep busy and not deal with them! It's frustrating being on the outside! She works all the time and when she's not working she's busy doing something else...She's told me before that my problem is that I think too much...She has gone through life trying to fill up every second so that she doesn't have time to think...

I wish there was some way that I could get through to her...I've told her that I'm concerned w/ how much she works...her father coped w/ things in a vary similar way and he died of a hear attack in his early 40's...my mom just turned 42...I'm constantly worried about her...I don't want to lose her...but I really don't know how else to help...

Esp now...since we're not really speaking...I just feel so bad that she's had to go through all of this...and I feel responsible for so much of her pain...It's hard b/c logically/ rationally I know that I was a baby and that I didn't actively cause these probs...but emotionally I can't help feeling like if I hadn't been born she may not have ever remembered being raped, she wouldn't have had to keep the secrets and she would have been able to stay in school...I just want her to be whole and happy! I want her to have a wonderful life! Even if we don't continue our relationship I wish I could have the peace of mind of knowing that she's taking care of herself...but I just worry about her constantly!!

This is sooo hard!

~Erin

[Jackiejdajda]

erinpatricia wrote..I have a few ques...Did any of you have an experience similar to mine?

I managed to block a lot of what happened when I got pregnant.. I was so darn afraid.. I was not forced to have sex but I was freaked out..
I was freaked out that I had gottten pregnant.. I never thought it would happen to me..

I searched for her...I mailed the first letter...I tend to call her or make plans with her...

I don't reach out to people.. I tend to protect myself.. I tend to give up on trying to build a relationship..
I never saw my son when he was born.. They thought it best back then.. I was hidden away when I was pregnant.. I was completly alone when I was hidden away. I stayed in a motel in Florida.. Mom and dad would visit but that was it.. We never talked about the baby..

So I was silent when I should have shared what I was going through.. Its what I learned.. Changing that kind of thinking is very hard for me..
My daughter will tell me that I will make friends and then cut them off.. And I do this..

I think that it is wonderful that you keep relating to your birthmom..


Jackie

[Missy M]

Jackie... I love it when you open up and share. I don't think I have seen a post where you are reaching out for help but reading your posts I know your journey must have been filled with pain. I am here; I wanted to let you know that. Sorry for interrupting...MissyM

[Jackiejdajda]

Missy wrote..I don't think I have seen a post where you are reaching out for help but reading your posts I know your journey must have been filled with pain.

I heard a woman who is a birthmom say (at a conference)
"We have no voice".

I started out on Compuserve in the early nineties.. I was in the Recovery forum.. I ended up a sysop there.. Adult children of Alcoholic.. I spent a lot of time looking at the issues of growing up in a dysfunctional home.. I did a lot of sharing..
And I came out of my isolation (my much loved isolation) and flew to Florida and met my fellow posters.. Truth..
What a memory that is..

Then I started a birthmom group on Compuserve.. Just a group of women who sent emails to each other.. It was a good group.. But I am not good at running groups.. I tend to try to hard.. I worry about the ones not posting

Then I found alt.adoption.. I can go on google and find my early letters there.. No caps.. words running into each other..
Begging letters..

I found my anger on alt.adopiton and it allows anger.. You can say anything to anyone.. I never had my anger about this.. about what happened to some of us.. It was powerful to think about it.. or it was empowering..

We need to speak out.. But the trouble is (I think) everyone needs to speak out.. We all need to be heard..

I am at peace with what happened to me.. I got closure..
But I do think I may be a bit of a coward where my bson is concerned..
He does not keep coming at me like your daughter does..

Jackie