[emsd55]

Are there any adoptees that never had the desire to look for parents but wanted to get medical information and had a hard time getting that information or receiving wrong information.

[auntyvicky]

I am an aunt searching for my nephew and ive been searching for him for awhile. I dont think he is searching. Bur i sent a letter to the agency where he was adopted to be put in his file just in case he need info. I put in the letter all info. pertaining to his birth and family name and numbers.and somemedical information.To let him no the circumstances of his adoption.About his birthmom(my sister) who is sick and cant tell him anything. But if he never searches how will he know this info. So at least try to search so u will know if your birthfamily left info.Even if i never meet or know where my nephew is. AT least he will know who what and how. Of his birth roots. Well just my thought. And good luck. But i hope my nephew finds me cause i want to know him. He was born june 30 1982 in oklahoma city ok. take care and god bless you and all those who are searching or not searching.

[princess32]

I am interested in talking with you about this topic.. email me if you want.. rookieshorty@hotmail.com

[snuffie]

My adopted brother was never interested in finding his birth parents.
I on the other hand always wanted to find them. I have read some other posts where the search starts out to be for medical history etc. and then it morphs into wanting to know everything and everyone.
Guess that happened to me in a way. Even though I had always wanted to search and get to know my birth family when I found my them I couldn't get enough information! I even have history back to the 1850's!
So be prepared - your feelings may change along the way.

[emsd55]

I never really had an interest in looking for birth parents. Due to a medical condition several years back, I was just interested in trying to get medical information. I went through the department of health for the state I live in. They in turn were supposed to contact the adoption agency and hospital. The response I received was vague and gave me little info on my birth mom, which I did not want. At this point I doubt very much the agency I was at is still in existence. I can only suggest try going through the department of health, etc. to see if they are able to help you. Good luck with your endeavor.

[ealtmaie]

I completely understand the frustration! A couple of years ago I tried to find out health information as well because of a medical condition that had just been diagnosed. I called the adoption agency through which I was adopted and asked if there was any health-related information that I could get. They told me that my files had not been updated, so the only way that I could get the information that I needed was to contact my birthparents directly. They then proceeded to tell me that they thought it was a good idea if I contacted them - they would probably want to know how I was doing, etc. I was astounded at the pressure that I was getting to contact my birthparents. I really wasn't prepared to have to deal with that. It had taken me a long enough time to simply pick up the phone to ask for health info. I just broke down emotionally and hung up the phone. I haven't tried back since. I intend to call again, but it is going to take some time to gather myself emotionally before I can make that call again.

[emsd55]

Unfortunately, i do not have the opportunity nor do i want to, contact my birthparents. My adoption records were sealed by the courts when I was adopted. SO, my only way was to go through department of health to get info.

[Mary Lu]

Adoption records for my daughter were sealed also. And I never really looked for her. However, I did want to be "findable" in case she every went looking for me. For that reason I posted on the reunion registry of this website and a few others.

They say great minds think alike - and she did the same thing. She never really looked for me, but posted on the reunion registry. After overlooking each other's postings for a few years, I noticed the similarities and contacted her. We have determined that the few discrepancies in our postings could easily be reconciled - such as different birth dates (I did not know the exact birth date, so posted my due date).

Now we are awaiting results from DNA testing; it is MUCH faster than unsealing the adoption records, and less expensive. No one says you have to look for your birthmother - maybe you're afraid of rejection, and that's fair. But sealed adoption records need not be an obstacle because there are other options.

[emsd55]

I have tried to go through the Department of Health for medical information. Unfortunately that did not help much. What I received was vague info about my bmom which was not I wanted. But, if both sides want to know info about each other, that is great.

[mabear]

HI EVERYONE!

These may be only MY thoughts, but if I were a birth mother and learned my child wanted ONLY medical information with no meeting or potential relationship, I would be very unhappy. The "gimme gimme goodbye'' approach would be a big turnoff.

Sure it's scarey looking for a parent and risking rejection, but why wouldn't you at least think of her feelings in this? Give her a chance to share her feelings and problems which no doubt are many.

I'm not judging you, but I think you are taking a very one-sided look at this. Even if your a-parents are perfect, there are other reasons besides your needs to give something on an emotional level to the woman who gave you life.

Hugs,

Mary S.

P. S. Now, on the other hand, should you find your
b-mom and she refuses to see you or communicate with you, THEN I WOULD INSIST ON HER PROVIDING YOU WITH MEDICAL INFORMATION, which I feel is your basic right.

[RiverGal]

mabear ~ Not all adoptees have a burning desire to search for the Bfamily anymore than all Bioparents would welcome contact. Whatever the reasoning, an adoptee should have the courtesy of medical information without feeling obligated to give something on an emotional level. I don't mean to sound calloused, but (IMO) it is not her place to have to deal with any of the Bmom's residual feelings and/or problems.

emsd55 has no obligation to her Bmom. Sure, she gave her life, and her parents gave her the rest. It is not up the her/him to resolve the feelings of Bmom.

While I strongly advocate for the accessability of medical history, I am very much opposed to the perpetuation of the myth that either party "owes" the other any level of a relationship that is not comfortable or welcomed.

Just my opinion.

~Deb

[nsanders]

I am with MissingLinkInFL. Neither my brother or I have ever desired to search, so far. We were both adopted thru Catholic Services in FL, so it's sealed anyway.
If my son ever wants to, we will help any which way we can. It's his decision. I'd loved to have more info for him, too. International doesn't give too much either.

Adoptee, Bio Mom, Adoptive Mom, Waiting Fost-Adopt Mom

[donnaparadise]

Originally Posted by emsd55

Are there any adoptees that never had the desire to look for parents but wanted to get medical information and had a hard time getting that information or receiving wrong information.

I agree with Missing in that not all adoptees have a desire to find their bmother nor their first fathers and not all bmothers want contact with the children they gave birth to and relinquished.

I gave birth to a daughter 38 years ago and just recently she made contact through a 3rd party, telling me she wanted to let me know she was fine but that she did not want a reunion, nor did she want any further contact. The following day, as an afterthought almost, she sent another message saying simply: "Well, she can send me my medical information. She owes me that much."

She also stated that my guilt was not her responsibility and displayed some anger for some reason she chose not to explain to me.

I took the opportunity to give her as much information about everything that I could manage to do. I was not sure if I would ever get another chance, so I laid it all out. I told her what her nationality was on both sides; who was still living and who had died and of what; the health of individuals, including myself; illnesses that ran through or did not run through the family, etc.

I also took that opportunity to tell her the circumstances of her conception, what my life was like, what happened when she was born and after and what my life was like since and now.

Finally, I told her how I chose her name and how happy I was that she had good parents and a good life and loved her parents and especially, was happy.

She wrote once more, suggesting that 'someone was lying' because of some conflicting information she had and I'm not sure what that was about. I do know that she had been looking for at least 10 years and am not sure why she would do that, in order to tell me to buzz off.

You might say she wanted medical information and I hear that a lot. However, I have yet to understand how background medical information can help or hinder anything in a person's life. If you have a family history of certain diseases, I can see where there might be a tendency towards it. However, if you have it, you get treated. If your family had it, that does not mean you will not be treated. It is just additional information.

Knowing there has been no cancer in my family, other than a couple who were very heavy smokers and contracted lung cancer, does not mean I should not get tested for it anyway.

Knowing most of my family lives to be in their 80's might be something that I can look forward to, however my lifestyle has been very different from theirs and there is no telling what I am in for.

Even diseases like sicklecell anemia and taisachs (sic?) that run genetically in families, does not guarantee one will or will not get it.

So I don't really understand the interest in getting medical information that in all probability would be incomplete anyway as often the father's whereabouts is unknown (not always, often) and his history would be required to get a complete picture. Just having the bmother's information is one piece of the puzzle.

Having said all this, I agree that if asked, all stops should be pulled to ensure that the adoptee gets whatever medical information possible to provide them with whatever consolation it might give them.

If you can live without it and you do not want to contact your bmother, then I'd suggest you just let it rest as meeting or speaking to her when you are not ready to do so, would in my mind, open a pandora's box neither of your might regret.

I wish you good luck in your decision. It can't be an easy one, I'm sure. I'm hoping that everything works out the way you need it to.
donnaparadise

[RobertHafetz]

Originally Posted by emsd55

Are there any adoptees that never had the desire to look for parents but wanted to get medical information and had a hard time getting that information or receiving wrong information.

You will also need the medical history of your aunts and uncles which will not be in any records. Your bio parents medical history isnt really enough but is better than nothing. Not having mine almost killed me.

[mabear]

There really are medical conditions that, if recognized early on, can be avoided by lifestyle changes and other medical conditions that if diagnosed in time, can be controlled enough to save a person's life. This is especially true for a lot of rare diseases. Many people are walking around with serious health symptoms, and the doctors are not testing for the right problem(s). If this is the case for only 1-5% of all adoptees, I feel the state has a moral obligation FOR ALL ADOPTEES to have access to the medical information of the birth family. How to do this right now is problematic. I believe that adult adoptees who are already ill in most states, can get their information through the courts, if they were legally adopted. BUT THAT INFORMATION IS 18-90 years old! These folks probably also get legal access to their original birth certificate and name of parents - - BUT NO CURRENT ADDRESS!

Now what about the other adoptees who would like to have their medical information "just in case" - too bad, the courts probably will not help. And the nationality of the parents is very important psychologically - am I Irish or Italiain or German or Ukranian etc. Hopefully, today's a-parents are given that information and will share it with their children, but no guarantees.

Most regular folks who were raised by their own parents that I have talked to will state their belief that all adoptees find out who they are when they become an adult! I know I was surprised to learn that the records are sealed f o r e v e r ! This is crazy. Very slowly, more people are becoming aware of how wrong this is and states are opening records - one state at a time.

And the thing that concerns me most about this whole business are adoptees who won't even meet their birth mothers, if ever given that opportunity. Especially those who want information slipped to them from a back door and in an angry way - an "entitlement". My guess is that they have been "brainwashed" by an a-parent who is so insecure that she/he believes the b-mom would present some kind of competition for the adoptee's love. And in some cases the b-mother was indeed a drug addict or an alcoholic at the time of the baby's birth (although most were not - just young moms) - in 20-40 years, people do change for the better.

I also don't understand a b-parent refusing to meet the child. Perhaps the current spouse knows nothing about the child, so the b-parent insists on continuing to hide the situation, for fear of being abandoned by the mate for failing to disclose something that important. This today is rare but even then, the b-parent could meet with the child privately, away from the home.

Most adoptees were placed in better circumstances than they were born into. Most b-moms and b-dads never get over having relinquished a child and very much regret their decision - especially if the decision was not really theirs. Most adoptees (if they know they are adopted) would love to know their origins. The relationship between parent and child is God-given and cannot be denied. Most open-minded, healthy individuals who have not been braiin-washed, will be drawn to their roots for at least a hug and a good cry for what should have been. And if they feel safe in that, will slowly move to at least some level of friendship. Many adoptees , however, are not ready to search for a birth parent until they marry and have their own kids.

My god-son has no birth certificate at all - original or amended. He was told by the folks who raised him that he belonged to them. Now they are deceased and no one knows anything. At least adoptees do have a legal, numbered birth certificate from the state, and can pay a private investigator to help them. And everyone can post online to be "found" and can get a free search angel to at least point them in the right direction to do their own search.

Having spent almost 2 years now helping my god-son with his search in California, I am acutely aware of the many folks who spend years and years on this, only to be stone-walled at the end by the very person they were searching for. And the reason I suspect is that the "found" person was taken completely by surprise - that person needs time to adjust to the new situation and to think of what to say and how they really feel. Given that time, nature and the goodness within most people will respond positively often in tiny steps. BECAUSE OF THE INTIMACY OF THE RELATIONSHIP, EMOTIONS RUN WILD, ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE IS NO WARNING AND NO PSYCHOLOGICAL PREPARATION.

Best wishes to all who are searching. And to those who were found and got frightened, "it aint over 'till it's over". And to those who found and were rejected "it aint over 'till it's over"!

- Mary S.