[Brock5]

I have been through a step parent adoption process in another state with my oldest child...I was divorced and now I'm remarried. I was separated from my ex for 2 years due to our divorce taking FOREVER! I have sole physical custody..and he has joint legal custody...he has seen the children 4 times in the past 2 years for a total of no more than 24 hrs! It took me a year and a half to get child support...b/c he didn't want to pay and had his lawyer delay it in court...finally he's been paying for over a year now. He calls the kids once every 2 months or so and talks to them for 5 or so min...I'm remarried now..and my husband wants to adopt my children..he and his family are so good to us! I was divorced in another state (where ex resides) but at the time of the divorce I had been living in yet another state for the 2 years prior. I heard that I would have to get the case transferred here to terminate his parental rights...is this true? My husband and I have an appt with an atty next Friday to discuss this. I haven't heard from my ex since Nov. He was supposed to have had the children for his first holiday with them in almost 3 years during Christmas..but we never heard from him. Not even a phone call on Christmas Day! What can we do? I want to approach him with the idea of adoption but afraid of what he'll say. He has moved on and has other children now with his girlfriend/wife...heck I don't even know if he's married or what his situation (home life is like) I don't know exactly how many children he has...he won't tell me...which I too think is detrimental to our children seeming if they hadve visited they would have been shocked to know they have brothers/sisters he never told them about. My children are happy and would like my husband to adopt them...he's been "daddy" for almost a year now....Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[arahrah]

Brock,
The best thing for you to do is keep your appointment with the attorney. I do not think that you will be able to terminate his parental rights involuntarily if he calls, even sporadically, or if he still pays child support because both of those things constitutes "contact" with the children. That means that abandonment is out of the equation. You will have to get a transfer of the case. That could be easy or difficult depending on what your divorce decree says about your rights to determining primary residence of the children and how the judge is in the county that has jurisdiction over the case. I wish that I could give you more information, but I am learning this as I go too.

[Brock5]

My decree is so "vague"...saying that both my ex and I can reside wherever we may...but then an atty did tell me that because the decree is in the "home state" even though the kids and I haven't lived in that state for 3 years now(NOTE: We hadn't lived in that state 2 yrs when the divorce was granted) but they said as long as ex lives in that state it's the home state..now how fair is that?..that I will have to transfer the case. But won't the judge take into account the fact that my ex doesn't even call or make contact for holidays (Christmas ect...) I mean come on now! He doesn't have any relationship with the kids by his own choice. Over the years I have tried to keep the contact going even sometimes begging him to call them back when he says he will...but he doesn't...that doesn't do anything but hurt in my opinion. They finally have a father who is there for them and who does the things that fathers do. My husband's family is great with them...and love them as though they were his biological children. I'm happy at the fact that we are all together...but my next thing is just trying to get this adoption if we can.

[arahrah]

I agree with you it is not fair. Legally, however, he is making contact. I went through the same situation. I have always had sole custody of my children with him only having supervised visitation rights at my home. My children had not seen or heard from their biological father in over 4 years ( and I mean no contact whatsoever) until he heard that I was getting remarried. Then he decided that he, all of a sudden, had regrets for not keeping in contact with them. I think that actually came from his family (who never bothered to even call and check on them either). This man is a stranger to my children. I suggested that my children go to a therapist to see if there was anyway to facilitate a relationship with him after all of that time. We did and the therapist concluded that it was in the children's best interest that they not have a relationship with him and that his sudden appearance was harming them. This is, of course, the summary of the past 2 years of hell that he put them through. The therapist also concluded that he, or anyone in his family, not even contact the children. She said that they were in a happy, stable environment where they felt safe and loved. When the Attorney General's Office went after him for back child support and back medical support he has now decided to voluntarily give up his rights. We are in the process of having the case transferred from the county that the divorce was finalized in to the county where we now live. It has been a slow process, but hopefully it will only be one more month. As far as the judge is concerned it is really going to depend on his or her views. Legally though they will consider child support payments and every call or visit, no matter how sporadic, contact. The majority of the courts will try to keep the relationship with the biological father intact except in instances of child abuse, parental drug abuse, sexual abuse, etc. I wish there was an easier way, but it sound like, after you get the case transferred here, that you may need to have him voluntarily give up his rights in order to have the adoption proceed. I know it isn't fair to the children, but that's the way the legal system works.