[sprkl1]

Hi all....I am going back and forth between fostering or straight adoption. I know that I could easily get attached to a child and would be heartbroken if they were removed, so I lean more towards straight adoption.

On the other side of it, I do not have any children of my own so I don't have "direct" child experience (but I have 7 nephews/2 nieces and I have volunteered with many youth organizations) so fostering may be the better avenue.


I want to know how did you make your final decision? Any advice you could offer would be great...

[DianeScraps]

I really can't say that any one thing made the decision for me. It bascially came down to the right situation and the right time.

And now that we have fostered and successfully adopted we have started the debate again Our license is current, we could realistically take a placement at any time, but we are considered closed (doesn't mean they don't call though, they called for a sibling group of 3 last Friday)

Diane

[jigger]

It was not an easy decision. What it came down to in our case is that we wanted a specific type of child (3 to 7 y.o. Boy) and going the foster/adopt route offered us more options. There was lots of worry and uncertainty during the process but in the end it turned out well and we are adoptiong him in less than a month. Either way, I figure that as hard as it may be, fostering offers a great chance to really make a difference ini a child's life. Good Luck in making that decision.

[sprkl1]

thank you both!!!!!

[jllambert]

We signed up for "Legal Risk" but were matched with our daughter. TPR had already occurred so it was adoption with no fostering. Now we are in the process again, and were matched(sort of) again with a sibling set and TPR has already occurred. So this would be adoption again. When I say sort of matched I mean they are doing the final selection between us and one other family. If we are not picked to adopt the boys we have decided to Foster. Our daughter was with her foster family for 18 months before we got her and we wish we had fostered her then adopted her because we would have had all that extra time with her. The first time we went through this we wanted to guard our hearts as much as we could, and it could not have gone better. Now we are in a better place and know we can love and care for a child and will still be able to cope with the loss if they get to return to their family. Good luck and best wishes either way!!

[rmyoung]

For us, we very much wanted to adopt, and not have foster children that would for sure have to leave our home- so we did legal risk for foster, but also asked our FAD worker to submit us for striaght adoption cases that matched us.

But our very first foster placement was legal risk, and we instantly fell in love. (TPR trial is coming up soon, and we are hopeful that we can adopt him.) So we asked our FAD to close us for additional placements.

If you truly want to adopt, and to protect your heart, but decide to do legal risk, then make sure you ask lots of questions when placement calls you. Ask to speak to the child's case worker. Try to find out what has been done to try to place the child with a relative.

But nothing is for sure- our FS had "no suitable relatives" and was "legal risk" but then the bio-dad comes out of the woodwork 6 months later and requests a homestudy!!!!!!

In the future, we will probably just do striaght adoption, or ask for legal risk infants only.

I think that one reason we did legal risk/foster-to-adopt, was because we wanted very young children who were healthy... and there are more children in the foster system that in the straight adoption system, so we felt we needed to cast the net wide. Does that make sense? lol. '

By the way, our second foster/legal-risk placement was a very healthy infant that we picked up from the hospital, TPR this month!!!!!

[QueenofElves]

I want to commend you ladies and gents who are foster parents, I found the honesty of your forums on foster-adoption candid and refreshing. But I must question how you who make the heartwrenching decision to parent a child who may or may not be returned to their first family can so easily detach from the concurrent emotions of a mother faced with permanent seperation from a biological child. While I am certain there are circumstances where a forever split is vital, and perhaps I am an idealist, but my hope and prayer would be reuniting a mother and child when the mother has removed herself from her temporary bad decisions or circumstances. A more honest approach to obtaining an infant or child would seem to be adoption, however long it takes, because that is the intended goal. I feel people are on shaky ground when their intentions are to benefit from the failure of the system...by which I mean when the system fails to reunite the family...because then your motives cant be purely in the best interest of the first family, because they are clouded by the desire to be a mommy. I of course have yet to foster children, but would love the opportunity to do so.

[high5tou]

I think what most people don't realize about the Foster/Adopt Community is the fact that very few children are ever returned home. I think it is like maybe 5% of children in foster care are returned to Bio's. Obviously we have No problem at all returning a child to his/her bios IF they do what is necessary to correct the problem.
Here is an instance for you, you see what you think should happen.
Baby M was taken to the hospital and it was found he had 2 broken legs and many healing fractures at 4 months of age. Baby M was placed in foster care. Bio did not visit baby M for the first 4 months. All of a sudden when she finds out in court that they are going to TPR as she has not worked a plan nor seen her child she decides to work her plan. At the age of 11 months baby M is returned to Bio. At the age of 17 months baby M comes back into care for neglect. Bio barely sees baby M and has not worked a plan.

So do you think this child who has now been removed twice should be returned?
This child has had it EASY compared to Many Many other babies or children in foster care. However the neglect was still neglect and has caused many problems even though he had only been back in her care for 6 months.

In other cases either things were VERY VERY bad for the children before removal, or parents refuse to do what they have to to get their kids back. They just don't think they should have to take parenting classes because most of them do not think they have done anything wrong.
Now in the case of Newborns who come into care, the bio has already NOT done what she should have for previous children who were in CPS custody, or they come into care because they tested positive for drugs, or with an older sibling. How many chances should a bio get to raise a child correctly and how many children should have to suffer because we should always reunify?
Why should anyone sit on a waiting list for years and years and pay 20,000 to 50,000 to adopt a newborn when they can adopt one through the foster care system relatively quicky and for 1% of the cost? If no one adopted out of the foster care system then these children would just sit in the system and never have a family.

Just something to think about....

High5tou

[marythemom]

Attachment disorders come from too many changes in caregivers at an early age. If you only adopt babies who have been TPR then that guarantees that those babies have been in the care of a foster parent for at least 6 months. If you're looking at attachment, wouldn't it make more sense for the child to bond to a foster parent who would probably adopt if TPR occurs? Otherwise we're looking at some more major life changes for the child that could have potentially been avoided. Not that the foster/adopt system is designed to be in the best interest of the child, but if it were...

Just my 2 cents. If you aren't aware of all the heart aches and problems that attachment disorders cause you should definitely look into it. We're adopting a sibling group of older children with attachment "issues" and it is one of the most difficult of their many diagnoses. We did straight adopt for many reasons, but for most children I definitely feel that foster to adopt is in their best interest.

Our children's birthmother didn't have her children taken away - she gave them up because she "couldn't handle them anymore." She worked a plan for a little while, but gave away the boy at about age 10 and his sister about 6 months later at age 9. She has an 8 year old and 6 year old still at home. We've told the state when she's done screwing them up to give us a call - we'd be interested in adopting them too to keep the family together. Biomom was a foster child too - don't know what that means, but thought it was interesting. All 4 of her children have different fathers - none of which are still in the picture.

I am incredibly grateful to the foster mom and foster dad who took care of my children over the last year and a half. They considered adopting them, but decided not to because they felt the children should be kept together (each foster parents is a single parents who only provides care for a single gender).

Mary (mom to T age 7 - almost 8, K age 10.5 and adopting C age 11.75 and D age 13.5)

[jllambert]

We have just opened our home for foster placements! I am on pins and needles waiting for our first call. We really feel like this is what we a called to do right now. We hope we can be a example to some of our friends. Most of us have been very blessed, and have more then enough love to give! Maybe if they see how many kids just need a loving place to land during this really hard times then they will want to get involved too!
I am so glad to have this forum to come to when I need advice our some ears to vent to! It has really help to read about what you have gone through!