[jmommy]

I have a 4 year old and an 18 month old. We are just now about to start the process so we probably wouldn't even have a child come to us for another year or so. What do you tell your children about your foster child? I hate to think about their little hearts getting broken if we didn't get to adopt the child. This is our main obstacle at this point. How are they a "foster child" today and your "sibling" the next? We are not sure if we are doing the right thing.
Any advice would be appreciated!

[jessica_e]

While we don't have any bio children of our own, we have young nieces and nephews that we are very close to and are at our home often. When my 3 and 4 year old nephew saw the nursery we had prepared before our first placement, they asked whose room it was. I explained to them that sometimes mommies and daddys get sick and can't take care of their babies. I told them that we were going to take care of babies while their moms and dads tried to get well. I told them that if the moms and dads got well that the babies would then go home to be with their parents. I also told them that sometimes, moms and dads can't ever get well enough to take care of their babies, and if that happened then we would keep the baby to take care of for its whole life. That seemed to satisfy them.

When we got our first placement, he was 5 days old and we had him for three months. We all, including my nephews, fell in love with him. When we knew he was going home, I told my nephews (as my heart was breaking!) that I had good news. I told them that baby J's daddy was well and was going to take care of baby J. I told them we were so happy that baby J was going to go live with his daddy. They were still sad-- the 4 year old said he didn't think that was good news at all! HA! But, they understood.

Hope that helps!

[Howdy]

That sure is a good question, I hope you get lots of answers. I'm reading two books right now, one is Separation and Loss and the other is Child's Journey Through Placement, and one or other of the books said that it is important for a child leaving a foster home to see that the family is sad about their leaving. The book said if the foster-mom the child has attached to is happy about them leaving, that can harm their ability to attach again. The book says to address openly the ambivalent feelings of the child, that they will be sad and grieving the loss of foster family while being happy to be re-united.
I know that isn't what you asked about, but I would guess that it might be similar for the children who are staying in the home, they might need to see that mom and dad are sad and have their own ambivalent feelings openly addressed.
Now I just need to find out how to address the feelings, because my foster-daughter is being re-united (probably, not definite yet) in less than 3 weeks, and I don't know exactly what to do and say. Both she and I are flip-flopping between telling each other how much we will miss each other and wish we could stay together, and how exciting and wonderful it is that she is going 'home' to Dad and a new-Mom.
The book also said the child needs to know that all the adults discuss openly the ambivalent feelings, so last night on the phone with the dad and with the child listening, I mentioned that she is worried about not loving her new step-mom as much as her 'real' mom. Hope that was the right thing to do, I could see she looked anxious. I guess all three of us need to emphasize to her that her feelings are normal and okay.
Sorry, I think I got off topic there!

[HappyMomAnna]

This could be hard on the children you have and hard for you as well........Foster to adopt can be heartbreaking especially if a child is placed for a long time and then must move on.... you will want to be sure you have a relationship with some supportive people in the event you are hearbroken. You will also want to be sure to reasure your own children of the fact they will NEVER have to move on....that could be a fear for them without even knowing it themselves.....

Foster to adopt can and often does not end with an adoption so you might have several children come and go.....or you might have the first one stay and be adopted. Your biological children are still very young and most likely will not understand what is happening even if you try to explaine it to them. Many foster families have the foster children call them mom and dad but, I have also heard many have the foster children use, Mom Nancy, and Dad Bob...... and when the adoption finalizes your children might have gotten older and have a better understanding of why the other children got a new mom and dad forever.... Sometimes the Foster to Adopt program can take a few years to finalize....

I don't know how things work in Texas but, if your primary concern is about the children leaving your home you might talk to your caseworker and ask about the differences in a straight adoption..... The major difference there is that you committ to be the parent before you meet the child so each of us must make the right choices for our own families.

[jessica_e]

I think DenverLiz is right about showing the foster children and your other children that you are sad about them leaving. I reread my last post and I should clarify. When it was time for our fs to go home, I told my nephews that we were very happy that baby J's daddy was well and could take care of him. I did tell them we were sad that he wouldn't be with us-- and since I told them this through my tears, I think they already knew that.