[allthatisright]

WE have briefly discussed adopting an older child even up to the age of 16. What does the state look for in adoptive parents? Unfortunately our credit was hurt during the Enron scandal and we have moved around too much.(Energy business) But we have agreed to stay where we are now and take no more transfers and will take early retirement rather than move again. I am 39, a stay at home mom and my hubby,has his Masters, and is 55. We have both been married before and I know these things can hurt us but we are stable, happily married and would love to adopt a child who needs us well beyond the state mandates. I hate the way they simply leave these poor kids to fend for themselves at the age of 18! THOUGHTS ANYONE?

[saucey95]

Hi, I think it's wonderful that y'all are considering adoption. We are going through the state and they look for these things in adoptive parents:

1. stable relationship. They will talk to you about how long you have been married, previous relationships, etc. They want to see that you guys are committed to each other and the relationship and can provide a stable home.

2. safe and clean home. They will check out your house. You can be renting or buying. If you move frequently, they will ask about that but since y'all went through the Enron trouble, I think the moves are easily explained. They also want to be sure the environment is clean and safe.

3. steady income and work. They will ask for paystubs and tax returns to verify your income and employment. You will be asked for explanations of frequent job changes.

4. your reasons for adoption. This may seem silly but I can see the caution in it. They want to know why you are interested in adoption and what ages, disabilities, and races you are willing to take. It's good to discuss this with your spouse prior to talking with the social worker because it will help you to get your own ideas in place and decide what you are really looking for in a child. Go over things like race, age, fetal alcohol syndrome, born addicted to drugs, learning disabilities, physical disabilities, family history of mental disorders or child with mental disorders, for teen...current pregnancy or sexual promiscuity and/or drug use, for all children...sexual acting out, aggressive behavior, history of abuse/neglect, homosexual tendencies.These are all a start. You can discuss them and honestly decide what you are willing to accept and what you aren't.

Basically they just want to see that you have a stable life, a good relationship with each other, you are both in agreement with the adoption and type of child, and that you have a steady job and steady income. They will also ask you to fill out a worksheet that lists your current debts (including monthly utilities, etc) and the amount of money you bring home each month. This will help them to see if you are able to provide for the child's needs each month. You don't have to be rich, you just have to be able to make ends meet.

The above is a general list. Of course, when you fill out your family profile (huge packet) and do the homestudy with your caseworker, they will ask more in depth questions related to the above. The state does not run a credit check. They are concerned with your relationship with each other and with your family and friends.

Go to an information meeting at your local CPS office (if you are interested in going through the state) and they can answer your questions and issue you a packet explaining everything. There is no obligation and it gives you an opportunity to actually meet a caseworker, ask questions, and get more info with which to make your decision.

Good luck!!
Linda

[james19631994]

I admit I've always been intimidated by the home study process. I'm a pretty private, almost withdrawn person, and the idea of someone opening up drawers, pulling books off the shelves, and looking under beds and so forth worries me.

I also worry about how they will assess me psychologically. Will they figure out I'm a lunatic? That I belong in a straight jacket?

And as a single man, how do I prove I'm not a pervert or child molester? I've read there's some kind of psychological test you an take, but even that sounds scary. It seems like it would be harder to prove someone wasn't than it would be to prove someone was.

The reason I'm kinda gun shy is 6 years ago I worked at a private school. I was called in by the principal one day. She asked if I'd said something inappropriate to some students. I almost blacked out at the idea someone was even asking me questions of this sort. I denied it, but actually I had made what I considered a funny offhand comment, mostly to amuse myself, and some students misinterpreted it and...I shoulda just kept my mouth shut. I wasn't trained as a teacher, nor had I had much contact with any kids prior to that job, so I really didn't know how to behave. I'd come from a previous job where everyone made rowdy jokes all day.

The principal also said she was told a parent saw me coming out of an adult book and video store and the woman had a fit. How would I respond to that, she asked. I said whoever she saw wasn't me, that I dont patronize places like that and I only have memberships at 3 regular video stores. She said okay, but said she had to continue to investigate.

While I was walking back to my room I remembered. At the time I was a smoker. Every day before work I'd go to this news stand/smoke shop and get some cigarettes and newspapers. They had a back room with adult stuff, but it was behind a screen, and since I never went in there for that, I forgot that stuff was there (despite the fact there was a big "Adult Video" sign on the outside wall).

I told her that place was in my neighborhood and most convenient for me, since I don't own a car. I also said that any clerk at that store could testify I was in there every day at a certain time, only buying certain things. She said,"That sounds like a good excuse, but I'll still have to look into this."

Excuse! It was the truth!

So a week later, I come to work and some of the students in my study hall told me the principal had asked them if I'd ever said or done anything to them that made them "uncomfortable." (I just feel sick at my stomach remembering this.)

I marched to the office and asked the principal what was happening now. She said the same parent, whom she would not identify, was now claiming she saw me coming out of another adult video store the previous weekend. I explained I had in fact been at that shopping center, but I had rented movies from a legitmate video store two doors down from the porno joint.

I was irate. I asked if I was in a bar having a beer would I have to from now on look over my shoulder to make sure no parent saw me and decided I was a blackout drunk? She said I was an adult and had the right to live an adult life--she just had to keep this parent pacified.

This was in early November. On the last day of school before Christmas I was standing by the tree in the library, watching some event, and the principal came up and assured me all was well. I didn't know what she meant. She said the parent had recanted.

I also found out who the parent was, one who was always really nice and helpful to me, but was a big gossip behind everyone's back. Her daughter desperately wanted to be part of the popular crowd, but whenever a student or teacher did or said something, she'd go home, blab it to her mom, and the mom would come up to school and throw a fit. Eventually the girl transferred.

(Wasn't that how the Salem Witch Trials got started?)

For as long as that principal was there, I just knew she had her doubts about me, and she'd always give me a funny look in passing. It ruined my feelings about the school and from then on I was looking for a way out of there. She claimed one or two male teachers had been fired the previous couple of years. Rumor had it they acted "too familiar" with the high school students.

Years later after I'd quit the school I ran into some graduates from that school out in the real world. One of the things I asked them about was the case of those two teachers. They assured me they'd done nothing wrong, which proves nothing, but still....

Then, a few years ago, a former student called me at work. He wanted to see how I was and get together for coffee some time. I reluctantly agreed. Turns out he needed me to be an adult sounding board, a sort of disinterested confessor/advisor/mentor who wouldn't ground him if he confessed his troubles and misdeeds.

So every few months, this kid, who's now a college student, comes by and we go have coffee or eat and he tells me his problems. But a few weeks ago he told me there was a time his parents suspected me of being a pervert, but eventually decided I was a nice guy because I'd "never tried anything." I was very upset when I heard that.

It's a sickening feeling to think that anyone might think that about you. And if someone suspects you of anything, even if you are truly innocent, you carry the stigma of being accused.

I try to be very careful and circumspect in my behavior, but I guess I'm not doing a good enough job of it.

So that's why I asked. It's a touchy area for me.