[Skye Hardwick]

Our 'Birth Day' ..which is the day we gave birth to our placed children ..is often a difficult day for us birthmoms. Often, no one remembers in our families that we gave birth to our placed children that day.

Personally, right around a month before my daughter's birthday each year, even my body begins to give me signs that it is in mourning over the loss of my daughter. Sometimes I've thought, "What is wrong with me lately?" ..then remembering my daughter will be a year older the following month.

I am sad on my daughter's birthday, but also three days after her birthday, which is the day I signed the relinquishment papers.

Anyways, here is a wonderful thing for birthmoms who never get any acknowledgement from friends or family on their 'birth day':
http://lifemothers.com/birthday.html

Be sure to sign up!


Hugs,

Skye

[stacyone]

Skye, I'm SO glad to see this thread (and I always love reading your posts!) -- my daughter's bday was last week and I didn't know what to do for her bmom. We ended up sending flowers but I wasn't sure if I should call or not. I ached for her all day. I spent a good part of the day fighting off tears. She appreciated the flowers very much. Fortunately, we're going to visit in less than a week.

I'm probably not the only aparent who wants desperately to do the right thing and isn't sure what that is. And I can probably read these boards from now to eternity but nobody here is going to have the answers -- I can only get them from M's bmom. I'm so grateful for the open, honest relationship we have.

Peace to all!

[BettyPsych]

It is very healing for me to hear from birthmothers who express their pain on our birthdays. I missed my birthmother SOOOO much on my birthday.

To stacyone . . . let you be an example for adoptive mothers everywhere. I am so touched to hear your support and love for the birthmother.

Blessings.

[Andersen]

My son's birthday is 8 days after mine. Sometimes the sadness starts days before my birthday. However, I am blessed to have a family-especially my sister and my mom who always remember. When I was pregnant for my son my sister always made me chocolate chip muffins. I loved them. Now, 17 years later, she still sends chocolate chip muffins, through the mail. They have come every year and it always makes me cry. Someday I hope to share a chocolate chip muffin with my son.

[trinitysmom]

Some one please help me name the emotions that ripped wildly through my heart the day my Trinity had her 1st birthday. The adoption is open I get pictures and send care packages to her. I just don't know how to deal with the bittersweet part. I don't know of any one who fully understandes these moments of elation and at the same time pangs of jelousy and sorrow.

[Skye Hardwick]

Hello Trinitysmom -

Although I cannot completely understand because I have not walked your exact journey ...I do understand on one level because I am the birthmom to a four year old daughter in a fully, very open adoption. I know what it is like to see my little girl open her presents on her birthdays with joy, and yet feel sadness in my heart.

If you need somone to talk to you can email me!

Visit my site for birthmoms: www.lifemothers.com

I wish you the best, and know you are not alone. Do you have a local support group you can attend??

Skye

[trinitysmom]

I live in a very conservative city. I have not found any type of support here. I know there must be more than just me out here. Birthmoms are seen as uncaring poeple who don't want to have responcebility. That is there farthest thing from the truth. There is a group for aparents, but how do fit in with the feeling of sadness, they have received the child, not given the child to them. They are 2 totally different veiws on the same topic. My family has been a support but they don't really know how to relate. My auntie knows the joy, for she adopted her son in the 70's. It was closed, so I can only image the pian Jerry's bmom carries with her. I'm looking for anything or any one who knows the raw emotions of being emptie, feeling anger, and yes even resentment. I can say the reason I'm dark and clouded is because, I have made a decision that will last her whole life and I don't get to be a bigger part of it. I'm jelous of the afamily. I know this mybe wrong to feel, but that's how it is.

[TIFFANI27]

Hello, trinitysmom I am a birthmom to an almost 9 y/o son. If you don't mind, I would like to share with you my experience and emotions felt when my son reached his first year birthday..... I was 19 y/o when he was born. I was emotionally unattatched and felt as though my grieving process was similar to the death of a loved one. I know from reading different postings that others related their feelings of loss similar to someone's passing. My mom (whose only brother was adopted) encouraged me to ask for what the attorney dubbed an "open adoption" which included pictures and letters for the first 3 years of his life. Why it was limited to that time frame I don't know. I was against it at first but my mom agreed that she would hold on to any of the correspondence until I was ready to look at it all. I was very happy that I listened! Anyways, back to the first birthday.... I remember feeling so sad and short tempered about a few weeks before my son's birthday. I couldn't put my finger on why or what was making me feel that way until it "hit me"..... I couldn't believe that it had been a year. I had kept my pregnancy and the adoption very secretive from most of my extended family and all of my friends in fear that I would be judged. Unfortunately not too many people knew so I didn't have the known knowledge that it was my son's birthday. I felt disappointment that I didn't try to raise him, guilt that I "gave my son away", and an extreme rollercoaster of highs and lows. I did go thru the first year of my son's life with the assistance of regular counceling sessions (a gift from my son's adoptive parents) but wasn't emotionally ready to let go and let God. It was around 3-4 years later that I began to speak about my son and share pictures with co-workers and friends. I truly feel this is where the healing began. I have always carried a picture of my first son's 1st bday party. He looks so happy and so much like me! I have since had the opportunity to begin a new family with my husband and have another son who is now almost 1.5 y/o. At my second son's first birthday I did experience a relm of emotions (completely unexpected!!!) but felt so blessed that I was given the chance to be with my first son for the 9 mos I carried him.
Thank you for posting and allowing me to share my story. If you'd like to write via email just let me know.

Hugs and God Bless!!!

Tiffani

[kimmy30]

I can so relate, the night before my daughters birthday, I woke up couldn't sleep and was crying. While I have had other things to upset me as well, it didn't even dawn on me until the next morning what the date was.

[hotchick6696]

I have been struggling over the past few days cause my sons birthday is coming up soon. I am upset and no one that is around me understands. There are times that I just cry and I really don't understand why. Then when I think of what the time of the year it is and I am just completely out of it. My boyfriend is completely supportive but there are times that he can't even handle is nut case girlfriend. He doesn't understand the pain that I am going through. Every day that I get like this I wish I could go and find my son's father and kick him in the butt. I know that it is hard for me and I feel like I have no one to talk to and I am glad that I found this website and I am hoping that I can find some support out there. Reading everyone's notes makes me remember that I am not the only that is going through all of this. I fear that my boyfriend feels like I am pushing him away because the thoughts of my ex and my son come out and I some times feel like I am pushing him out too. I love my boyfriend to death but I wish there was a way that I could make him understand. I am such a mess I wish I could find the right words for him.

[trinitysmom]

Hey Chick,
I can soo relate with your emotions and how you wish your bfriend could understand. I have the same issue with my husband. I was raped when Michael and I were seperated. I had my beautiful Trinity adopted. Now I'm back mending my relationship with Michael. Stressful? OH MY YES!! We have sought the help of our pastor and he simply said one thing that has help us tremendously. " Women don't want men to fix their problems, emotions, or anything of the sort. They want to be heard and thats all. Men just need to listen and smile and nod." I feel like Joe actually knew how we females work in the brain. Anyway I hope this will help in someway. Maybe he needs to just smile and nod. You have emotions that don't have names I bet. So how can you fully discribe them? Tell him you need love and support. Let him know what he's walking into before you blow up and break down. Men hate that but if there is a waring they usually do ok.

Loves and Hugs,
A~





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[autogrl1612]

hi my name is mya me and my fiance put our son up for adoption last year and on may 19,2002 he was born, it was very difficult for us and i left work early, and called out the next day cuz i was so depressed, i think of him and miss him every day, i have yet to recive pics and letter of him so far nothing, its hard for me to think i gave them a baby and now after one letter and a few pics thats it, andy and i have agreed never to do that again its way too hard for us, i would like to adopt one day though

[trinitysmom]

Mya~
My prayers are with you and I hope you will somehow find solice. It is really hard to believe that someday the pain may not be as intense as the months pass. It will always be a tender issue, especailly if there is no closure. I understand how much it hurt, and how angry/upset toward the aparents. I can offer these words as comfort and support. There is so many of us out there seek and ye shall find, knock and He will open.

[autogrl1612]

thanks trinity, that means alot to hear im thankful im not alone, at times i do cuz hes not with us, andys a paramedic/firefighter and we have a 2 year old german shepard, but when andy works nights and its me and the dog, i still feel lonely cuz i dont have anything to do like care for a child, i do regret doin what i did with bryan but im just glad that hes in a happy loving home, i just wish they would let ME and ANDY know that....again, thanks for keeping me in your prayers

[Toni0914]

Hi everyone. You have no idea {well maybe you do :-)} just how happy I am to have just found this forum.
14 years ago next week, I placed my son up for adoption at birth. I don't think there has ever been a day that went by that I haven't thought of him. This month is always a very tough one for me and it seems to be getting harder each year. I just feel like I'm a wreck for weeks now.
A little about my story......
I got pregnant and had a son at age 18. I almost put him up for adoption but didn't. 6 months later, I was pregnant again. This time, I did it. I was then 19, about to have 2 babies, still living with my folks, collecting welfare, & had a bum for a boyfriend at the time who couldn't/wouldn't support us. I knew it would be hard enough with 1 child, let alone 2. He & I agreed adoption was the best thing. I don't believe we were ever given an option to have an open adoption so ours was a closed one.
I put myself into some counseling right afterwards, but haven't really talked with anyone who has ever been in my shoes. This is the 1st time I've felt the need to seek others who may understand.
All these years later, I don't regret the decision. My hat goes off to the wonderful people out there who will adopt children.
There's more, I'm sure but this is getting kinda long.
Pretty short though for 14 years in the making. :-)
Take care
Toni