[Gwen72]

The son I placed just turned 18. I had a very hard time over his birthday for the first 10 years or so but I have handles it pretty well the last few years. For some reason this birthday has hit me so hard. Work has been particularly brutal and my 9 month old son is teething and has a cold. I'm stressed out and sleep deprived. I can't believe it's been 18 years. It seems like only a few years. My grandparents have quite a few mutual friends with his parents. I know his name and where he lives. I know his parents gave him the life I wanted him to have but couldn't provide for him at the time. Everyone who knows him tells me he's such a nice guy. I am afraid to contact him though. All the male adoptees I know have no desire to search for or have a relationship with their birthmoms. I have loved him since the day I found out I was pregnant and thought about him everyday. I think I would be crushed if he rejected me for doing what I thought was best for him. I think I am going to wait for him to contact me. His parents promised me that they would give him my info whenever he asked for it. I have many friends in real life who are adoptees and adoptive moms but none who are birthmoms. I just wanted to share this birthday with people who understood my pain.

[loveajax]

Gwen, huge hugs to you!!

I do agree that there seems to be a "gender" difference between males and females in terms of searching. But I did want to say that my DH (an adoptee) put his name in with the agency and said he was open for contact when he was 21 (after college graduation). If you want to reach out to him, you really should. I know it may be hard to think he's not ready for contact, but I know my DH would have been so happy if his birth mom had taken this step (they are in a "weird" reunion now that he is 43).

Happy birthday to your son!

[lowohms]

Originally Posted by Gwen72

The son I placed just turned 18. I had a very hard time over his birthday for the first 10 years or so but I have handles it pretty well the last few years. For some reason this birthday has hit me so hard. Work has been particularly brutal and my 9 month old son is teething and has a cold. I'm stressed out and sleep deprived. I can't believe it's been 18 years. It seems like only a few years. My grandparents have quite a few mutual friends with his parents. I know his name and where he lives. I know his parents gave him the life I wanted him to have but couldn't provide for him at the time. Everyone who knows him tells me he's such a nice guy. I am afraid to contact him though. All the male adoptees I know have no desire to search for or have a relationship with their birthmoms. I have loved him since the day I found out I was pregnant and thought about him everyday. I think I would be crushed if he rejected me for doing what I thought was best for him. I think I am going to wait for him to contact me. His parents promised me that they would give him my info whenever he asked for it. I have many friends in real life who are adoptees and adoptive moms but none who are birthmoms. I just wanted to share this birthday with people who understood my pain.

ive read alot of stories on here about people waiting and then kicking themselves later for not doing it sooner. I look at it this way, mine is turning 18 in a short 2 months, god forbid if i wait much past his b-day to contact him. i want him to know as soon as possible that i think about him and have for the last 18 years. If your interested my story is in the birthfathers support area. And i hope you have talked to someone before hand. I started seeing a reunion therapist because of this very forum, and i have to say it was one of the best ideas for me to do so far. If he doesnt want contact, then you know it now, instead of waiting for years and not knowing. I would say to contact him in a very methodical and honest approach. Allow him time to digest the info, and possibly respond. Dont ever give up hope though, just because he doesnt want contact today, doesnt mean he wont want to later. But i know EXACTLY what your going through though

[NanieB44]

I'm a birthmother who surrendered my firstborn daughter in the 60's to a closed adoption. I thought she was gone forever, but I reached out and found her (she had made some effort to find me also) and we have been joyfully reunited now for 20 years.

I know that daughters are generally more open to reunion than sons, however, I do know several who have had successful reunions with their sons, so one can't totally generalize.

These are the thoughts that moved me forward to search and find. I loved my child with my whole heart and soul and it was only that kind of love that pushed me to give her to others...misguided or not. When she reached "the age of reason", I felt a great need to let her know that she was always loved and never forgotten. I also wanted her to know her heritage and medical history. It was love that made me give her up and it was love that made me search and find her. It was the scariest thing I have ever done, but I reached a place in my heart that even if she turned her back on me and spit in my face...I had to fill in all the blanks for her. If she had turned away from me, I would have to have found a way to deal with that devastation, but at least I would have known that I did the right thing. How much more difficult is it for them to search for us when they may be coming from a place of feeling abandoned and rejected in the very first place? My searching for my daughter was an affirmation of the love I had always felt for her...and believe me...blessed as we are...love paid off in spades...risky and scary as it was.

Point being...I know you love your son and if in time the spirit moves you and gives you strength...reach out and let him know that he was always loved and never forgotten.

Hope I'm not being too intrusive here. Just had to share my heart with you.

NanieB

[Drywall]

Gwen....this is for you and all moms....if you want to reach out to your kid and tell them that you love them....do it! Don't hesitate. It matters.

As an adoptee most of what they will want to know is why it happened. Be honest...you were coerced...you didnt have a job or the finances to care for them...there were outside influences...you were afraid...you were very young etc...etc. It will only matter to them that you did the best you could and in spite of it all, mom continues to have great love for them.

I wish you the best.

[sum1son]

Gwen:
You sound like such a lovely person. As a male adoptee, and with friends who are also adopted, I think I can say with certainty that guys who were adopted are just nervous about motherly rejection. Which could explain why fewer males search for their birth families.

It was BECAUSE my birth sister and mother contacted me that I realized how very much I had wanted this. I hope you contact your son. When I was 18, this might have been confusing for me (but at 33 it still is!) but it's hard for me to imagine who wouldn't have wanted to have your love and support at his age! I'm hoping for everything good for you in this

[JustPeachy]

Gwen, I felt much like you in that I would never want to "impose" on my son and figured I'd leave it up to him to decide when/if to contact me. We did have a semi-open adoption, so I could send updates to him and such, so it was a little different for me, but I still never gave him my contact info. Finally, he gave me his, when he was in his mid-20s, but, long story short, we are still not in reunion. He had expressed a desire to email, and I think he's just having a hard time right now and maybe experiencing pullback or just busy living his life. I wish I had the courage to assert myself more and give my info to him a number of years ago. I just didn't think I had the right, even though he was over 18, so I left it to him, but in retrospect, I think it must have put a heavy burden on him. OTOH, I often hear of adoptees who want to have some control over their situation, since they didn't have a say or any control over their original placement away from their bio family. It's so hard to say what is the "right" thing to do, and there are no social templates for this sort of thing. I think you should write him in honor of his 18th birthday, let him know how much you have always loved him and how often you think of him, and let him know that WHEN and IF he is ready, your door is open. Be prepared that he may not be ready right now, with being 18, going off to college perhaps, or out living his life, but at least he will know when he is ready how he can contact you. It is also a good opportunity for you to update your medical history for him. And you can also include a picture so he can see what you look like, if he doesn't have any photos of you. As hard as it may be, I would not take it as a rejection if he is not ready to reunite right now. But you can plant the seed. My hunch is, if he is not ready now, he will be at some point, and if you plant the seed now, it will be better than waiting and wondering and letting more years go by. I know it is hard and takes a tremendous amount of courage, but why waste any more time? Nothing ventured/nothing gained!

[Gwen72]

I wrote my son a letter. It was a three page letter but the gist of it said that I had always loved him, missed him and thought about him every day. I gave him the short version of why I placed him for adoption. I told him that I felt it was the only thing I could do for him at the time. I told him that I would like the chance to meet him and get to know him but I would understand if he wasn't ready for contact right now. I gave him all my contact info and asked him to get in touch with me whenever he was ready. I happen to be visiting my grandparents who live in the same town he does this weekend. I sent the letter from his hometown post office so when he gets it he will know I was there. I hope I hear from him soon!

[Drywall]

Gwen....Yesssssssssss.....I got a warm feeling just from reading your note....glad you did it....

I wish you the very best.

[NanieB44]

So glad to hear that you sent the letter to your son, Gwen, and reached out to him. I know it was scary for you to do, but it was the right thing. I also know you will be on pins and needles hoping and waiting to hear from him. It may take awhile, but don't give up hope. It took my daughter several months to respond and she was 24 at the time. That was 20 years ago and we have shared a close and loving relationship all these years.

My prayers are with you!
NanieB