[babygirl85]

Hi all!

I was reunited with my bmom in Dec. 2008. Things have gone pretty well. She and her entire family have welcomed me back into the family. It has been amazing.

Well, my bday is coming up on Monday. I have looked forward to this day for my whole life - when I could finally spend my bday with her. I have dreamed of it. Now that it is here, I am so estatic and can't believe it. But my bmom doesn't seem to be excited at all. In fact she appears to be avoiding it. I told her I wanted to spend the day with her - that it was really important to me. She said she had to work. I guess I'm just shocked that she isn't so happy that I'm finally with her on this day too. I've heard over and over how hard my bday has been for her every year. So why is she acting like it's just another day on the calendar? I feel like she doesn't care.

Any thoughts??

[SoniaRose]

Since you're both so new to your reunion, I would guess that your bday still brings back too many painful memories for your bmom. I would not mention the bday again -- you don't want to make her feel guilty because she's not ready to share in your joy -- give her time, and maybe by next year, you can celebrate your bday together.

She already admitted that your bday has been a very difficult day for her every year; obviously it will never be just another day on the calendar for her. A person can't undo years of hurt in just a few months -- give her time to come to terms with her emotions. Please don't take it personally.

If you really want to do something, maybe you could send her a card on your birthday, thanking her for life.

By the way, congratulations on your reunion, and hope you have a happy birthday (with friends, afamily, etc.)!

[JustPeachy]

I've heard over and over how hard my bday has been for her every year. So why is she acting like it's just another day on the calendar?

She's not acting like it's just another day on the calendar. She has expressed more than once that your birthday has been hard for her. I would imagine now that you are reunited, those feelings have not gone away, and may have even intensified, as now that you are reunited, she is likely more aware of all she has missed over the years. If she is grieving or sad on that day, she may feel like she is spoiling your birthday, putting too many strong emotions on you, or perhaps that you will feel responsible for her sadness. It also may be hard for her to articulate exactly what she is feeling and she might be afraid to tell you. I have many strong feelings about adoption and how it has affected me, but I don't know that I'd want to "dump" all that on my son. At the same time, it makes communication difficult.

I am one bmom who doesn't have a hard time on my son's birthday, but I think this is unusual, and also I am not yet reunited. I don't know if it would stir up emotions in me if we were to spend the day together, it's really hard to say unless and until I am at that place. I do know many birthmoms have difficulty on their child's birthday. Would it be possible to get together on a day close to your birthday, but not the actual day?

[keds]

Hey there, here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth - I would LOVE to have bson want to spend bday with me but he has mom/dad/stepmom/fiance so I hold back with my wishes. Plus, the others are right, bdays are rough all around (as his mother's day, which is just a few weeks away). Maybe you could get together after work or for a few minutes - it may be she is trying to "cope". I don't know but I have know I have used similar excuses in the past. Spending any time together on your day will benefit you both and it should get easier each year.

All the best,

Kate

[Mockingbird]

babygirl85, maybe she is feeling overwhelmed knowing that spending that day with you and enjoying it will make her realize how much she has missed over the years and how many birthdays and other special days she was without you. I know spending several days together with my son did that for me in the first half year after we reconnected--I was depressed at seeing the reality of what I had missed out on.

keds, I'm with you--I am so looking forward to the day that I can actually be with my son and see his beautiful face on his birthday. I feel pretty happy on his birthday (since reunion)--it's these days afterwards--remembering being in the hospital and the "home" drugged and bound up and without him and just feeling empty, that are hard.