[alwaysmissingu7590]

I'm new to this forum..
finally got the courage up to register and post....
My son turned 18 on July 5.
thhat day, and the next few have been fraught with worry and wonder for me...

I know its his decision as to whether or not he wants to find me, and Most of the time I'm fine with that--
but i have a voice in the back of my head-(not literally)
more like a nagging doubt that says what if he hates me? and wants nothing to do with me??
what if his aparents never told him, or gave him the letter I wrote him that took a week of tears and pain
about why I made the decisions I did-- to relinquish, to choose his aparents,-- adoption or not , I was not about to hand my son over to just anyone!!!
the fact that I had to fight tooth and nail to get to have him with me in the hospital....

I still believe to this day, that it was the best decision I ever made---the only purely UNSELFISH one I ever made, and now, even 18 years and 3 days later, the HARDEST one I ever had to make....

Do others go thru this as their children reach the age of 18?
am I being selfish?? or am I right to do everything I can to make it easy for him to find me IF HE SO CHOOSES??

anyone have any insight for me???
I'd greatly appreciate it

Thanks
Kerri

[kelceesmom]

Kerri,
I don't think you are being selfish for wanting, if nothing else, just to make sure your son is a happy well adjusted young adult.

I'm an amom and hope that someday my daughters bmom wants to find her and get to know what a beautiful person she is. How her life is going etc.

I wish you luck in your journey.

[bmomto2_momto2]

I know exactly how you feel. I started actively looking for my son shortly before he turned 18 so that I would be ready and waiting for him on his birthday. Well his 18th came and went with nothing. Then just a few weeks before his 19th birthday the agency called me about a new glimmer of hope to find him. They did find the parents (in Illinois if the adoptee is under 21 the aparents have to consent to the contact for them). The father answered and denied my request. So I go on struggling and wondering what he thinks of me and his father. Some recent discoveries by me have only served to further make me worry as I have found some outright lies in some court documents involved with the consent to surrender for purpose of adoption. If he has been given this information then I doubt he could ever care about me and his father at all. I still look for him though. I am on a search this weekend actually so I am hoping it leads me closer to him. I just want a chance to tell him the truth and answer any questions he might have. That way if he doesn't want me and his father in his life, I know it will be based on the truth. I hope you have luck in reuniting with your son. Incidentally, I gave birth to a little girl on July 5, 1990. She came after my son, he was born in May of 1989. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

[alwaysmissingu7590]

I did call the agency today, to ask if he was OK--
i don't want to disrupt his life at all- i want to make sure he is healthy, happy and well adjusted...

i suppose eventually I'll hear something...

I really did it for my own sanity-
I don't thnk I could handle hoping that one day he'll find me, if God Forbid something had happened to him...
and me not knowing......

with the knowledge that he's safe and healthy-
I'd be able to cope...

[soprano]

Kerri,

I am a birthmom and I too registered with any/all online registry sites I could find right before my daughter turned 18. Well, I waited. And she found me when she was 20 in the first site she entered.

All good wishes to you,

Soprano

[josh1788smom]

You are so not alone, as you probably have guessed from the other posts. My son was adopted in-family; so, I knew exactly where he was. That was good and bad. On his 18th birthday, actually the day before, I drove to his home-town and met him after school. Brazen and bold, I know. I handed him a letter explaining some things and giving him my information, if he ever wanted to contact me. We talked some off and on for a while. It was a little trying at times because I was always second guessing what I said, and wondering about things on his end. Every step forward seemed to come with at least 5 steps backwards.

At the moment, we have no communication, and I don't really know why. Some of it is that he is in college and really should be focused on himself right now. I complicate things. Although I am related to his adad, his amom wants no knowledge of my existence, and cannot seem to deal with it. I have reached out to her, just to start fresh, but to no avail.

So, I sit, wait, and visit these forums. It does appear that boys are not quite as ready as girls at 18 to get to know their birthmothers, but of course, that is not true for all. It is just a generalization of the stuff I have read.

I hope and pray for you to find your place to start knowing or knowing about your bson.

[jrainbow]

Kerri,
I'm an adoptee but also the mother of a 21 year old boy. Just want you to know that in many cases, 18 year old boys don't even remember they have a family, much less a bmom that they can contact at 18. I think you can be very proactive but just because he isn't looking at 18, doesn't me he never would want to find you.

If I didn't call pestering him and if my son didn't need money while in college, I don't know that we would ever hear from him.

Good luck and Peace.

[Mil]

Just so you know, many adoptees aren't ready to search at 18 or even 21. Especially boys. From what I've read, many think about it at that age, but don't really get around to doing it. Many aren't ready till they're older - many times they're married and have their own children before they decide to search.

I think it's a good idea to have your information out there in case he does decide to look. I think we birthmothers all worry about what our children might think of us. I was very lucky, my son's adoptive parents always spoke well of me and he said he's loved me all his life. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

[sharu.9]

I can understand your feelings. But don't hide anything with your son. Try to convey him give little bit time for take right decision everything will right.
Goodluck.
*****
sharu

Missouri Treatment Centers

[quantum]

Hiya!
My son is now 23. I started to register myself when he turned 18. He did tell me that he 'kind of' looked after he turned 18, but I'm guessing he didn't really. Not because he wasn't interested! But just being extremely busy in his life and not really knowing how to look for me and frankly, being a bit lazy about it! :-)
Anyhoo, after he turned 21 I decided I couldn't take it anymore and needed to be more proactive. So I contacted the original agency. After some setbacks (his mom intercepted the first attempt at contact and said he wasn't interested without asking him) we became reunited February 2007!! Had our first ftf in May 2007, have great contact and hopefully he will visit soon, we are planning for next June (we have an ocean between us unfortunately).

I asked him outright. He is VERY HAPPY that I took the lead and looked for him. He thinks he would have eventually, but it could have taken ages(his words not mine).

I have also heard it's tougher with boys, they often aren't interested until they are older.

Don't give up hope! It's extremely early days for you! I know it's hard to be patient though. Do prepare yourself that it can take time, that he might not be interested yet...but I am very glad that I took the bull by the horns and not only made the initial contact, but pushed again (when they contacted his stepmom who was much more receptive/supportive).

Good luck! And you are welcome here for advice, emotional support and so on!