[scared21]

Well, I haven't been on these forums for a long time.. I guess I've kind of been in denial about the whole thing. Now it's my bson's 1st birthday today - I can't believe it. In one way it's so quick, and in another it feels like it's been the longest year of my life.

I booked the day off work because I couldn't face being around other people and having to act 'normal' like I do every other day of the year. But today has almost been like a normal day. I haven't spent the day crying myself into a coma like I expected, or fallen apart in any other way. But I can't bring myself to look at his photos, or think about what he might be doing by now, what he looks like, how it would feel to hold him in my arms and kiss him again.

I can't allow myself to think about any of those things because I know I will just fall apart and I don't know if I'll be able to pull myself together again. Is it wrong not to think about him? I mean, I do think about him, obviously, but every time I feel it getting too much I push it from my mind. I'm not cruel or cold-hearted, but on the few occasions when I've really let myself think about him I feel like my heart is being torn out all over again and it physically hurts like nothing else.

I don't know what I want to hear really, I just remembered that when I felt like nobody could ever understand what I was going through that there was always somebody here who could empathise with me.

Anyway, happy birthday to my beautiful baby boy. I hope you're happy and well, I love you xx

[Mommy24]

Happy Birthday to your little one today!!
It has been almost 18 years for me, but I remember the first birthday not being as hard as I anticipated. Maybe it was because, like you, I didn't allow myself to sit around and dwell on what I had missed up to that point. I have always done something special for myself on his bday, it helps to keep my mind busy. I also write a special bday letter for him.

There is no right or wrong to what you do to deal with birthdays, this one or future ones to come. Of course you love him, but sitting around crying and falling apart is not going to benefit either of you, take care of you!

Lean on us, we are here

[thanksgivingmom]

Wow scared, I remember very well when you're son was born...he's about three months younger than my daughter. I know very well how that first year can seem like the longest of your life, yet at the same time you can't imagine how it is your baby is a year old...

My daughters first birthday didn't hit me as the most emotional day post placement either. Although her birthday was the day after Thanksgiving, and I had the built in distraction of family and food.

Take care of yourself and like Michelle said, know that we've been there and will be here for you.

[Oceans]

Happy bithday to your little one!!

I also remeber feeling like you - and that was 25 years ago. In many ways the first year was the hardest for me because there are so many firsts. Tomorrow marks a new year and a new beginning. Honor your feelings today, cry, laugh, enjoy your memories of a year ago... Don't feel like you have to push it from your mind - but maybe focus on the happiness he has brought you instead.

Today is a day to honor yourself. Give yourself a hug for giving life to your son and surviving the year. YOU deserve it!

[meggggann]

Hi .I had twins .they were 44yrs ,in Nov..
i know how you feel...

[echox]

Just tell him these things when the time is right. I always wonder wher my bmother is and what she is thinking on my b-day.

[browneyes0707]

I was thinking about my DD's first birthday today in fact, because her birthday is coming up soon. And it wasn't nearly as hard as expected. Truth be told, some birthdays are like that, I expect to fall apart and it's an almost normal day, and some birthdays hit me upside the head.

But no matter what, it's important to take care of you. You deserve it today.

((((HUGS))))