One Already??

**thanksgivingmom** · #1 11-23-2007, 06:44 AM

So A turns one today.

Pretty nuts, huh?

And I prepped myself for yesterday. I prepped myself for today, and now it's here, and Nothing. I woke up and lay in bed for awhile, and after about an hour I thought, oh, it's A's birthday.

Does anyone else NOT have a huge freakout on birthdays? I feel guilty for not having one...I miss her terribly, and I love her like I couldn't explain to anyone, but I'm not with her and I have to accept that, right? I don't know, I've been so strict with myself and what I'll allow myself to do/feel that maybe I'm just doing the denial game again, and it will erupt later...

It's early still (6:48 am anyone?)...so there's still time.

browneyes0707 · #2 11-23-2007, 07:13 AM

I don't freak per se, but then again it's been almost 16 years for me!

For me it's just this overwhelming feeling that the day is not like any other day. I tend to busy myself, I'm able to function, but the fact that it's a birthday is always on the top of my mind for the day, KWIM?

(((HUGS)))) to you today!

BrandyHagz · #3 11-23-2007, 07:32 AM

I never freaked, until this year - M is 11

There is no one size fits all...so don't worry about it!

***taramayrn*** · #4 11-23-2007, 08:49 AM

Don't feel guilty about not freaking out. I haven't freaked out, but in the earlier years I was a bit on edge.

Wow - it's so hard to believe she's already one. Good job girl!!!

**thanksgivingmom** · #5 11-23-2007, 06:48 PM

Thanks - the day is almost over now (6:52 pm), whoa almost exactly twelve hours later.

I kinda just wanted to be left alone today and was kind of on edge, like someone would bring it up, which is ridiculous in the sense that no one really knows, but that maybe they really do, you know?

Plus I had to make a decision about whether or not I was going to move out of my house TODAY of all days. The person that I'm going to room with knows about A, and she knew today was her birthday, so when I called to tell her that I would be moving in with her (woohoo!) she asked how I was doing today, in a way that I knew what she was talking about, so it was so awesome to have someone in my everyday life know about her and bring her up....

I hopefully will have birthday pics for everyone soon.

Hugs little A!!!

**kelceesmom** · #6 11-23-2007, 06:55 PM

I can't believe that A is one! So many of us have read about your life evolving since her birth. Of course not having ever given a baby up for adoption I can't know what you are feeling. You've had quite a number of blessings this year and maybe that has helped you not to freak. You've been a great help to many on these boards and full of strength in your journey like so many bmoms. I hope you get your b-day pictures soon too so you have something treasure.

browneyes0707 · #7 11-23-2007, 06:55 PM

YAY on the new apartment! And on the support she gave you!!

((HUGS)) to A!

**thanksgivingmom** · #8 11-23-2007, 07:14 PM

Thanks Denise! I definitely know that being a member of these forums and being on these boards has helped me tremendously these past twelve months! So thank you all!

And Brown, I know!!! Now get out here and I can show you! haha

jlallinson · #9 11-25-2007, 03:52 PM

I know exactly how you feel. I have had 17 of those "days". Not to mention many others; like Christmas, first days of school, first dates etc. I usually am quite emotion on this day as well as the days leading up to it. I try to help myself by having my own little celebration. It may be a little shopping trip, taking my own kids to get ice cream, baking a cake, whatever. It helps me to know that I am celebrating and I know that somewhere she is celebrating too.

lahdh4 · #10 11-26-2007, 08:50 AM

Each year is different just like everyone is different. I was worse on her second birthday then I was on her first. I was so-so on her third. Each time a different response.

hunny0404 · #11 11-26-2007, 09:09 PM

I've been in reunion for the past year, but for all the years between my son's birth and our first meeting this summer, birthdays were always the hardest for me, some years to the point of experiencing extreme emotional distress for the whole month leading up to "the day," like I was re-living the last weeks of my pregnancy.

After a few years I developed this little ritual where I would invite a new friend or someone who had held a special place in my life in the previous year to dinner on my son's birthday, and I would tell them our story. I can't really explain why I felt the need to do this, maybe to just make sure that I honored my son in this way, to make him present to me in some kind of positive way. This sharing seemed to help with the anxiety and stress of remembering.

This year, there was no need for the birthday ritual, as I spent that day with my son, meeting him for the first time. His best birthday ever, he tells me. Mine, too...

**thanksgivingmom** · #12 11-27-2007, 01:53 PM

Wow, what an interesting tradition hunny! I actually found the courage to tell someone about A for the very first time just a few days before A's birthday, and I didn't think about it at the time, but maybe it was because of A's birthday that I was propelled to tell her.

I'm so glad for you that you got to spend his birthday with him now that you're in reunion. Congratulations!

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