[Lexus]

As I read through the various posts by birthmothers, I am aware that their pain is all too familiar and my heart goes out to each of them. I spent 25 Mother's Days in depression and tears. It seemed like nothing could possibly take away that void I was feeling.
As I look back, I realize that I actually did do a few things that helped. These "rituals", by no means filled the void left by my daughter. However, they did get me through the day. On Mother's day, when all my friends and family were busy with celebrations, I chose to plant flowers. I guess, in some ways, this was a "mindless" activity. I chose flowers that were amythest in color (February Birthstone). Ocassionally, I used flower pots and took the flowers to a nursing home or placed them on the alter at church.
I suppose anyone reading this knows how depressing our child's birthday can be. During the week prior, I would shop for toys (appropriate for my daughter's age that year.) These toys went into Sunday school rooms at church, but they could also have been donated to a day care.
I encourage Birthmothers to establish their own "rituals" and to force themselves to physically participate in them on these most difficult days. I say force because I didn't even want to get out of bed on those days (and sometimes didn't.) I think having a target or goal on those days is very important. Birthmothers, no matter what you choose to do on holidays and birthdays, be gentle with yourself and seek support from other Birthmothers. These are the only people who truly "get it". Also, please respect the pain you feel. I tried to deny it or forget it. Obviously neither are possible. I guess we have to learn to co-exist.
I am happy to say that I am in a very unique situation now. I reunited with my (adult) daughter five years ago. We have struggled together and we have overcome obstacles to develop a very positive relationship. We spent Birthmother's day together and I was invited to join her family for their Mother's day dinner. I don't know why God chose to bless us in this way. Certainly neither of us earned it. For many years, I would never let myself even dream that things could have turned out this way, for fear of devastating disappointment.
I am so very thankful to be where I am today and would be very willing to "lend an ear" to Birthmothers who want to write.

[Patty-cake]

Good idea! and congradulations!-Patty

[keds]

Lexus, I am so happy for you and I thank you for your post. I am still in "ritual" mode. I was hoping this year my bson would send a card or write but we are only a year into reunion and he has a lot on his plate. Maybe next year. Your post reminded me that, after almost 27 years, I now know that he is safe, had wonderful parents and is a kind and gentle person. It's so hard to remember that I am so lucky to at least know he is safe and sound and not want for more. Mother's Day was hard this year but you're right - birthdays are more difficult. I have denied the pain for 27 years and buried it deep and now it has come to the surface and it is so hard. I hope others won't do what I have done as it is much worse. I hope others take your advice.