[Ragnarok]

My son just turned four years old. I am having a harder time with this birthday than any time previous. I think it is because he is growing up into a real person, not just a baby, if that makes sense. He has a personality, quick wit and a sense of humor. He has lost the chubbiness, and the diapers. He comes up with little thoughts all his own. It is hard to see him grow up and learn all these things with no help from me. How do you go through this year after year when it seems it only gets harder?

[FauxClaud]

You kinda just do because there isn't really any other choice.

I think that every year it does get harder..every year that goes by you see and know that just more time is gone and the baby that was yours is further and further away from you and your time together. I wish I could tell you differently, but I can't. Granted there were some years that things weren't so bad, but in general time made the true loss seem more apparent.

I plan for my "down" time now. I know it is coming and I expect it like an old friend who makes yearly visits. If I try to fight it off, it gets worse and fights me back for acknoweldgment..so now I just let it come and embrace it. It's my pain. There were years that the pain was all that I had of my son. It's ok for me to feel sad over it and so I do. Not everyday, but on his birthday I deserve a full wallow. The more I wallow in it the quicker it is over. So that would be my best advice...just welcome it, it's yours.
No matter what though ..you deserve a ((((hug)))).
Claud

[Free_to_be_me]

For me, every year after 3 has gotten easier and easier. One of the things I do each year is take the entire day off. No work, no classes, no appointments, no washing the dishes or doing even one thing I don't want to do. I give myself the day to do whatever I need to. Sometimes it is curling up into a little ball, other times it is a leisurely stroll through the woods. It has almost always involved fettucine alfredo...my favorite food.

Last year was her ninth birthday. I actually forgot to clear my schedule, but it worked out that way anyway. It was a pretty good day and not nearly as hard as I had prepared myself for.

[Ragnarok]

Thanks. I think I have been wallowing for days. My wife is like you Free_to_be_me - it is getting easier for her as he gets older. I am thinking maybe it is a guy thing. Because when he was younger he needed his mother, but as he gets older, well that is father time. Learning to play ball and ride a bike, that is dad stuff. This is where I should come into it, but I do not. He has a dad to do all that with him. I just get to hear about it all and give empty congratulations on his achievements.

[Coley]

I love free_to_be_me's ideas about taking the whole day off and just having the time to do whatever you feel the want or need to do!!

I actually wrote an article about this very topic as my bson's 3rd bday was approaching. You can read the entire article at http://www.birthmombuds.com/bkids_bdays.htm but here are a few of the ideas.....

A few ideas of things you can do on your child's birthday are:
A few ideas to get you started:
~ Bake a cake in honor of your birth child.
~ Light a candle and say a prayer in honor of your birth child.
~ Volunteer at a local children's charity or donate money to a children's charity in your child's honor.
~ Write your child a birthday letter reflecting on the past year. (good tradition!)
~ Buy a gift or card - even if you can not mail it, it could be saved.
~ Look at pictures of your birth child.
~ Talk with a counselor or someone that supported you during your pregnancy and adoption plan.

Take care -

Coley

[Juscuz]

Every year on my bsons birthday, I'd go outside, bring my poetry book, and write him a poem, look into the sky and sing happy birthday whereever he was, and say a prayer for him and his afamily. It was my time to be with him in spirit., think and grieve in my own way.

[leah hart]

dear ragnorak
your entery was great i am a birth mother of two and this year my children are turning 6 and 4. it is a very hard thing to deal with. you cant be there to blow out the candles with them watch the elation in there face as they open one of the presents you could give them . it is so painful not to be able to even hug or hold your child when they are not there. the one most important thing that gets me through is that someday i will find them. they will come back. and of course i pray . good luck in the future.

[Montraviatommyg]

It' already been said but you cope because you have to. Personally I got better at coping as each year went by simply by organising my bson's birthday to such a good schedule that I didn't give myself much time to think about it. I never forgot completely, it just got easier but this year will seem strange as we are in reunion.

Montravia