[maestherd]

Any bithdads out there struggling with the adoption of their child? My daughter's 18th birthday is in 5 days and I am struggling BAD! I gave her up out of love, but I am now fighting depression as she reaches legal age and I can begin searching for her. I feel so very alone in this. I don't know how to let my wife help, there's no way to explain the turmoil.

[DavidKed]

Hi maestherd,

Yes, there are a few of us bdads out there!

I am sorry to hear that you are stuggling and that you are depressed. Please know that you are indeed not alone and there are people that understand exactly what you are feeling. It can be very difficult and frustrating trying to talk with people that simply cant understand (e.g., your wife or your friends).

I would be glad to speak with you and I know there others who would as well. please feel free to send me a private message. I am a bdad who has a son that was adopted 17 years ago. I made a post on this forum several months ago because I too felt very alone with all this. Several people reached out to me and it made all the difference in the world to know that I was not alone and others understood.

Take care
David

[Richard Justin]

Hi Maestherd

I am a birth father. like you, I spent many years agonizing with the separation between me and my son. I suffered guilt because I abandonned the birth mother. I lost all self-esteem because I lived with deceit and duplicity. And I suffered depression because life seemed to throw up so many hurdles to a reunion. But eventually I did search for and find my son, and we have been in reunion for about three and a half years. Here's what I did to prepare for reunion. You can decide which, if any, would be helpful to you.

First, I had personal counseling. I wanted to be emotionally stable before meeting my son.

Second, I wrote out the facts of the time of his birth. I did this so that I could be sure everything would be shared honestly. In that journal, I wrote about my feelings then and in the present. I didn't want to leave anything to chance interpretations.

Third, I contacted the birth mother, knowing that she would be affected if I were to find my son. ( This resulted in her having a separate but concurrent reunion, which made me very happy!)

Fourth, I told my story to my children, parents, and extended family. I needed to stop living with secrets. Their support was amazing, and it brought us all closer.

During the time it took for these first four steps (which was years, by the way) I saved money so that I could hire a licenced intermediary. That's a requirement in my state to get sealed records opened, but I also wanted as quick a search as possible. I also didn't know if my son knew he was adopted, so I wanted a professional to make that first contact.

And finally, I came to peace with the fact that, should I find my son, I would have to let him define the limits of our relationship. I knew I had to be invited into his life. I couldn't force my way in by virtue of the strength of my emotions.

I hope some of these steps will help you prepare for the step of searching. Perhaps they will bring to mind other steps appropriate for your specific situation. I do hope you will search, and I hope the search is successful. I believe that good preparation is a key to a positive reunion experience. And mostly, I'm glad another birth father is sharing thoughts and feelings here on these forums. Please continue to share as you go through this exciting but stressful time. I care!

Rich