[polkadotghost]

It's our daugther's first birthday at the end of November. Her birthmom is a sweet wonderful person who recently got married to a great guy (not the birthfather). She's having a really difficult time with the first birthday coming around, very depressed, sad, etc. My heart is just breaking for her. We're having 2 parties for our daughter as our families are so big and her birthmom is invited to both. I also booked that day off of work so if she wanted to spend time with our daughter she could. We also asked if she wanted to host her own party for her (what kid wouldn't love 3 parties!). She's not sure what she wants and is just so sad I don't know what to do. I'm also pregnant right now (miracle) so that's hard on her also. Any ideas to help her through this? What can we do to help?? Thanks!!

A

[prolife4life]

Thank you for asking this question. Our daughter's 1st birthday is about 3 months away and we would like to know what birth-mom's would appreciate? We have a semi-open adoption. Our daughter's b-mom is 14, but will be 15 by her birthday. We do not have visits, but we write, send pix, etc. We acknowledge her and send her special things to commemorate holidays and other events like her dedication at church etc. What is appropriate for the 1st birthday? We love our daughter's birthmom so much and we always want her to know how much she means to us. Can any birthmoms make some recommendations?

Thanks so very, very much!!!

[polkadotghost]

For this last birthmother/mother's day I made a colloge of pictures of our daughter's birthmom, her husband,and our daughter all around this poem which I printed out on nice computer paper:

Angels in My Life

There have been angels in my life.
While they haven’t arrived with a blast of trumpets,
Or a rustle of wings.
I’ve known them just the same.

They performed their acts in human guise
Sometimes borrowing the faces
of family and friends.
Sometimes posing as well-meaning strangers.

You’ve known them too.
When just the right word was needed
When a tiny act of kindness
Made a great difference…

Or perhaps you’ve heard a voice
Whispering in a night of sorrow,
The words not quite clear,
But the meaning unmistakable…

There is hope…

There is hope.

I left space in the colloge so she could add pictures of her future children and/or friends. I photocopied the pictures at a store, very inexpensive, cut out the bodies, heads, and glued them all together on a board around the poem. It took maybe a few hours. She cried when she saw it. Absolutely loved it.

Good luck,

April

[ria1970]

i admire your concern for the natural mum, my baby was taken into foster care at 9months old, and my last contact with her was just 2 weeks before her 1st birthday, the local social services would not accomadate a party from us to her or even just contact for us to give her a present and a card. she along with her brother were adopted by her foster parents in march this year, we are allowed no photos and just indirect written contact twice a year, not including birthdays or xmas. what you are doing is kind, but i feel that it wouldnt help me personally, i have 3 other kids that are in foster care and have contact with them each month but, i can not stand to be a part time mum, i would feel really hurt to see my children and just be 'aunty' or 'special freind', it would tear whats left of my heart out to hear my kiddies call the adoptive person mummy. this is in no way of a put down to you, like i said, i admire your concern and feelings of what the natural mum is going through right now. i wish you the best of luck with coming to a decision that is right for all, especially baby.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

My adoption is semi-opened, so a little different. Her parents had made me a video all throughout the first year...and sent it to me for her first birthday.... But just like your daughter's birthmom, I was a mess at the first bday....it was just as hard as when I first place--all the progress I made that first year was totally erased. Im not sure what advice to give you, Im not sure there is really anything to 'help' but just let her know you are thinking of her and that you are there for her... Everyone is different...I would not have been able to attend any kind of party even if offered..I would have been crying my eyes out the whole time and that would have been a total bummer for everyone involved...I feel for her and remember the hurt that I felt and know what she must be going through. ((HUGS)) to her and ((HUGS) to you for the compassion that you feel toward her.

Christine

[Judah Buddha]

Hey there,

I'm a birthmom facing my son's first b'day on the 19th. I've been swinging back and forth between denial and freak out. I don't know what to do. I was so self involved I didn't even think what his amom would be going through about it/me. Thanks. We have a fully open agrement, and she's been wonderful. At first I wanted to go to his party, mostly to meet his family. His aunts and uncles, his grandparents and all the people who love him. But when I asked his amom about the party she didn't invite me. I would like to go, but I don't want to trip anybody out. I want it to be natural. So I had decided to drive out and drop of their gifts, but now I'm even wondering about that. I really don't want to step on any toe's. So I'll leave it up to her when and how we'll celebrate together.

Now I have a question for the amom's....what do you want from the bmom on your childrens b'days? What's been the best gift? What's apropriate? I'm going to get my son's amom together a 'pamper me' basket to celebrate all the hard work she's done in the last year. And as for my son, I'm going to bury a bottle of red wine on his amoms retirement property with a letter on how I feel and how much I love him and what I hope for him in the next 18 years. And he can dig it up when he's 19. My mom is also going to plant him a tree for his first b'day on the same property. Any other suggestions?

Sometimes lost and sometimes lucide,
Judah