[Arruniel42]

I am a birthmother of a three year old girl in an open adoption. Last year I asked that corrospdence, cards, pictures, calls, email, basically everything be restricted to once a year, because it all has been so hard on me. I am sure that counseling would be a great benifit to me. Since she was born I have always had my face to face visit on her birthday. That is in the last week of November.

Each year I feel this depression come on around my birthday which usually doesn't truly lift until the end of January, and reaches it's apex in the last week of November. I would not say it is a dibilitating depression, and it does shorten and lighten each year. But I know that I have to find a better way to deal with this.

I love my daughter. As much as I dread each visit, I always do enjoy myself. It's like clockwork.

I cry myself to sleep a week before the visit. I can't keep anything substantial down on the morning of the visit. And then I see her. About 15 akward minutes pass, and then I find myself practically overwhelmed with love and pride at how pretty and active and grown she is. And the afternoon goes by blissfully. The aparents offer me a ride, but I refuse and say I'll find my way home okay. Then they insist and I give in. And before I know it, I am sitting beside my daughter and I know that I am going home, but with out her. She is going home, but it will not be to my home. One more time, I will have to part with my daughter.

The ride seems to go on for eternity, but at it's end it seems all too brief. We politely bid each other farewell until next year. I go to my front door alone, unlock it, wave to them once more, step inside, and turn on the light. I shut the door and hear the motor of their car star. I hear them pull out of the parking space. I wait a minute, then check the window. They are gone. Briefly I wonder if it was all some strange dream, but no, I have tokens to remind me that it was real.

I am happy and chide myself for having such dread and such turmoil about the visits. By 8pm I am usually crying. If not that evening, then I will be crying that evening and I will cry myself to sleep for days afterward.

Beyond counseling these forums, and bmother chats...

I have not yet attended any one-on-one or group therapy. This is partly due to lack of transportation but also and probably more likely due to my own laziness and fear. I am pretty sure that my agency would provide me with or help my obtain therapy if I requested it. Nearly three years ago they had group meetings for birthmothers, but the group was very small because they had trouble finding anyone who wanted to join and also trouble in keeping the group members.

As for transportation... Okay, there is the bus, but the nearest stop is a mile away That is a bit of a walk, but one that should be easy enough for a woman of my age and health, especially now that the weather is cooling down. If I were currently employed or even on disability, welfare, or unemployment , I might have the money for a cab. Even if I could impose on the aparents, they don't live near emough to me to offer my regular rides, but it is possible that the agency might help me to get to and from the meetings...

Point is, the counseling is there, I just need to go after it.

I already take solace in my faith in God/Jesus. I have tried bubble baths, yoga, and some forms of meditation. These all provide differing levels of reliefs for differing durations.

I've also thought about changing the visit to a few days before or a few days after her birthday. Between work, holidays, and the weather here, her birthday is practically the perfect time for our visit. We usually meet some place like a park, the botanical gardens, or the zoo. Some place that is child friendly, has plenty of fresh air, and gives us all a neutral and child-frindly activity to focus on without ruling out the possibilty of chit-chat.

May be if I changed the date to November 15th? Trying to pick a date with these people is like pulling teeth, but I do envy their packed social schedule, and certainly don't begrudge them it. It's always sweet hearing why they can't make it one such and such a day. Perhaps the afather's brother is having a barbeque, or that's when they scheduled my daughter's bday party, or they have kin coming from out of town for Thanksgiving. It warms my heart knowing that my daughter has some many people around her who love her and want to spend time with her and her aparents.

Conciously and thinking logically, I have no substantial gripes with the aparents, yet I still cannot shake my feelings of anger and resentment toward them. They have made no more mistakes than the average first time parents. I might even dare to say that they have made fewer mistakes. They are kind and generous people. Whatever wrongs they have done to me, has been small, unintentional, usually merely social faux pas due to cultural differences.

While some women are corced into or literally forced to give up their children, I did so of my own free will. If my daughter's current aparents didn't adopt her, another could would have. And yet, my anger and my resentment do not dissipate.

I realise that my anger at them may stem from my irrational anger and resentment at the agency, society, and "the system" that allowed me to be in the position I am today. Well, how irrational that anger is is debatable. I also feel guilt and anger directed at myself for more than I can sum up in one sentence.

My question is, beyond one-on-one or group (or both) theraphy, using these forums, and attending bmother chats, can anyone suggest any alternative or additional ways of coping. Most of all, can anyone suggest any ways of coping during the week before and the week after the visit, and most of all on the day itself? Additionally, does anyone have any additional ideas as to how I might deal with my own lingering anger and resentment?

Any and all comments or suggestions are welcome.

Arruniel

[KZacharyC]

dealing with adoption is a hard hard thing.. one that will last us firstmothers our whole lives. but being angry is veyr normal most firstmothers go throug this stage throught the year it is a vishas cycle that comes and goes.
getting councling is great talking you feelings out is one of the best ways to move past things, but yet people get sick of hearing about my problems with adoption mostly becasue all the people sarounding me do not understand the things i deal with everyday.
so last month I have deacided to keep a journel one that no one will ever see not even my son. it is the type of journel that I can say anythign I am feeling at the time with out analizing me or putting in there two sence on the situation.
but my adoption is much diffrent then yours. I talk to my couple once a week and I can see my son as much as I want to but for my own healing it is hard to do it as often as they would like.
I also find so much theropy in the kinds of things I am keeping for my son when he gets older. I am working on a scrape book for his next birthday that is all about me. My fav foods. photos exc...
I also keep a scrapbook of photos for my self of him. so that when I need a moment to remince with my thing of my son I can always go there..
I am sorry you have had so much anger to he honest it is some thign I often deal with alot. if You ever would like to talk one on one let me know and I will give you my instant messege name..

good luck and we all support you .....
KZackaryC (open adoption)

[Arruniel42]

I do want to deal with my lingering anger and resentment, but also want to deal with my grief. That is the emotion that makes me physically ill. I only went into detail on my resentment because I have never really taken time to deal with it. I've been so busy just trying to deal with my grief before it kills me. I usually only vomit when I have the stomach flu, when I'm pregnant, a couple days before the visit, the day after the visit, and a couple times the morning of the visit. And because of this I get dizzy, dehydrated, and get a headache.

Looking at what I have written, it sounds like a classic reaction to extreme stress. Did I mention I can't keep anything down before a visit? Oh my...

But how can I relax before a visit?? I have no time that morning to do anything that takes more than half an hour and relaxation techniques done the night before don't do much at all.

Arruniel42

P.S. I feel sick just thinking about it.

[Peace]

When I read your post, I just had to post a reply. I am not a birth mother - actually, I am an adoptive mother. However, I lost my first baby girl due to birth defects only 18 months ago and know something about grief. From reading your post, it sounded like you and I have shared some of the same grief reactions and I was hoping that I could say something to help.

Before I say anything at all though, please let me say that I have a very, very special place in my heart for birth mothers. Having given birth to my two boys, and then to my sweet little girl who died shortly after birth, and then having adopted my second little girl, I feel that I have had such a range of experiences that truly make me admire and love the courage and strength of birth mothers. They are my true heroes.

I want you to know that anything I say is with that love and admiration. Sometimes I notice on the board that there are debates about the right words to use, etc. and that sometimes adoptive parents and birth parents read each other's posts sensitively. Please know that anything I say should be read out of complete love and respect, nothing less. If I use the wrong words, I pray that you will forgive my weakness and know that I would never intentionally say or do anything to offend.

Having said that, I could just feel the grief in your post. In seems as though you want to spend those days with your birthdaughter, but go through so much in the process that it just about kills you emotionally. From my perspective of losing my daughter to death, I wanted to share with you what I do.

First of all, on "grief" days (which, for me, are anniversaries of finding out I was pregnant, her birthday, finding out she was dying, mother's day, major holidays and the day she was buried), I plan ahead to take care of *myself*. Grief is such a powerful emotion that I have learned that those need to be my days to heal and experience my grief. I have learned that I cannot run from it - the only way out is through it. So, I do those things like write in my journal, go out with friends who know and will understand, go shopping, keep busy, whatever it is my heart feels like it needs to do. Sometimes I just need to be distracted so the grief doesn't hit too hard. And, I don't mean to sound too morbid, but on those days, I don't usually go back to her grave on those days. I know I will feel the grief strongly on those days, so I don't do anything to add to it. I handle it in the smallest doses possible. I try to be very kind to myself. Grief is often referred to as "grief work" and I have learned that it truly is "work."


When I read your post, I thought maybe you might be expecting too much of yourself on your "grief days." It sounds like going for visits on birthdays, etc. is putting a whole lot of responsibility on you on a day when you are already being hit in a tremendous way by grief. Not only do you have to deal with the emotion of seeing your daughter and saying good bye but you also have to deal with worrying about interacting with the adoptive parents. That is a tall order for someone who probably woke up dreading the emotions of the day already.

It also sounds like maybe the visits might be too much right now. I know, as an adoptive mom, I would absolutely understand if she said that it was too tough right now but reserved the right for more information/pictures when she was ready. It sounds as if you feel good about your daughter's adoptive parents and that they love you. It is ok to let them handle birthdays and other major days, which are grief days for you, and for you to come in when you are ready. Please don't feel obligated for anyone else, even your birth daughter. You have already shown her such love and devotion in making a very, very difficult decision for her. From your description of her adoptive family, it sounds as if she will be raised to know you love her.

You can also show her love in so many other ways without going through such pain. You can write letters. You can do a scrapbook of yourself (making my daughter's scrapbook really helped my grief). You can send pictures. You can pick out a little stuffed animal and give it to her adoptive mom to share with her on her birthday. But, please, please, don't ever feel like you *have* to be there on that day.

You are a precious, precious woman. No one could ask more than you have already given. Be so kind and patient to yourself. The true test of a mother's love is her desire to place her child's needs above her own. You have passed the test by giving your daughter more love at more personal sacrifice than some children receive in an entire lifetime.

Because of the gift you have given your daughter, you have sustained a great loss. Allow yourself to grieve and allow yourself to express to your daughter's adoptive family your limits right now. That doesn't mean you don't love them or your daughter - it just means you love yourself, too. And that's ok. They will understand.

My heart goes out to you in love. I hope that I haven't offended you in any way by what I said. This is my first post on these forums. I usually lurk, but, in reading your post, I just had to respond. I am sending love and hugs and prayers your way. In fact, I want you to know that, tonight, I will say a special prayer for you to be guided for strength and how to handle each situation that comes your way. You are a precious daughter of God. I know He will hear your prayers and mine.

With love, Michele