[A_mothers_love]

deleted out of respect

[Linny]

I have to agree with Lucyjoy. I'd also add that not only is this a horrible age to deal with (parents and the kids)......but certainly not one for making any kind of important decisions--i.e.-----making contact with a birthmother and forming a relationship.
Truly, I'm not trying to be cruel; though you love this boy; he 'is his own'....and must make the decision to contact you if and when he decides.
This decision cannot be made because you love him enough. It cannot be made because you chose to release him to a family. It must be made because 'he' feels 'he' wants this. No one knows.....especially him at this time..........just how much contact----or if he will want any contact in his later years.
Again, I'm not trying to be cruel. I do think though, that because of the media, people tend to think that ALL adoptees 'continually mourn' a birthparent. This simply is not true with everyone.
I do not believe adoptive parents should keep anything from their children; but I do not believe adoptive parents should feel they have to share their family with anyone. Again, this is 'his' decision alone....when he is old enough to make this decision.
In the meantime, like Lucy says, make a 'foundation' for him if he ever chooses to search. Register through your state's registry. Write letters and store them away for a possible day if he should ever want to meet and form a relationship. In this way, you can be doing all you can, without putting pressure on his life.

I hope you understand I mean no disrespect to you. I just believe that he 'owns himself' and will make the decision when he is an adult.

Linny

[Linny]

No apology needed. I probably didn't read your post clearly enough!
Your type of situation....having to release your baby w/o your full consent, is what gives adoption a bad reputation. I'm sorry that you were not properly considered before someone chose to make this 'more than important decision' for you.
I cannot answer why the adoptive parents are being the way they are; but I can 'guess'. Perhaps this son is being 'difficult' now. Perhaps the adoptive parents are going through that 'transition' where they are realizing he is 'growing to be his own'....and they are seeing that soon, he will not need their guidance as he has in his younger days! And, perhaps, as you say, maybe THEY are having the 'ownership' thing. It's our experience that far too many parents try to live, try to own their children. No one owns anyone. Birth nor adoption make no difference. A person is his own; yet, I think few parents believe this.
I honestly think you are doing what is best for everyone. Stay 'silently by', so to speak. When he is old enough to understand---whether they (adoptive parents) say so or not----he will decide to search or not. If he searches, I believe he will find a strong person indeed! One who kept his best interests at heart and knew when to approach when the 'time was right'.

I'm not trying to minimize this. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to think and wonder if you can be of some assistance to him 'now'. But.......in my opinion, your strength now, will shine through when he meets you. It's at that time 'he' will know you for the generous and giving person you seem to be through your post!

Linny

[A_mothers_love]

You have mistaken me still Lucyjoy, I believe how I mentioned that I had some problems dealing with the go-between, I will elaborate so I am not seen as a trespasser into my sons life, The gobetween seemed unnaturally involved I will not elaborate on that suffice it to say she was very emotionally abusive to me, and led me to confusion about my sons parents and him even knowing. I wrote him a letter, I did direct it at him, after six months of thought, I didnt contact his parents for at fourteen he is his own person and at fourteen should be able to make a basic decision like reading a letter I wrote. I did put my contact information on the letter, it would have passed through them to him in any case. I do not know why I feel like I am being attacked by you I am sure that is not your intention, perhaps it is just your words that are getting me defensive. I do not believe that his parents have the right to tell me to stay away, only he has that right. Just as I dont have any right to walk up to his door. As an adoptee he does have the right at any age to wonder about me. I did write his parents a letter as well, explaining to them why I thought it best to write him. I have not heard any response from them, like I said I do not want to enter my sons life until he is ready, but I am not understanding why they answered my ad, yet want me to go away, this was in the first email. Why did they not just ignore me? I feel/felt very abused and disrespected. I do have rights too. Please do not tell me I gave up my rights. As humans we have rights. I will not sever contact even if it means only sending cards at Christmas and Birthday. I cannot lose him again. I FULLY understand he has another family, but I will be there if he wants me to be. With or Without his parents consent, for it is him that matters not me and not them but him
Hugs
Melissa

[A_mothers_love]

Thank you for the thought you put into your post, thank you for thinking I am strong. This week has been an over average tough one, You have lifted my spirits considerably. I know it would be a pleasure if you were part of my family through child. In small ways people can give you pieces of their heart, I believe this is what you just did.
thankyou for being you
Hugs
Melissa

[ADad]

Hi Melissa,

My comments are sincerely aimed at resolution of your situation for the benefit of all, especially your son. You have made contact and that cannot be undone. IMO, it does no good to debate whether or not you should have made contact or should have done it differently. I also agree you have rights.

That said, I have a couple of thoughts. Have you parented a teenager? Early teens is a very tough time for any child, especially for adopted males. None of my children were prepared to make many life-changing decisions at 14. A first contact letter is not a minor event.

at fourteen he is his own person and at fourteen should be able to make a basic decision like reading a letter I wrote

The questions quoted below are, I believe, the most important questions. It is extremely important for you to try and find out why they have responded the way they have. There may be more to this story than what seems to you to be their desire to abuse and disrespect you. Because your greatest desire is the welfare of your son, then you owe it to him to get all the facts and to work very hard to build a relationship with the aparents. How well do they know you? I am not excusing or accusing their actions. I dont know enough to do either. If necessary seek the help of a professional.

I am not understanding why they answered my ad, yet want me to go away, this was in the first email. Why did they not just ignore me? I feel/felt very abused and disrespected. I do have rights too.

If it is 'him that matters and not me', his parents consent and cooperation are required. Hopefully, you will have a relationship with him the rest of your life. Any effort you put into building that relationship will be worth it.

With or Without his parents consent, for it is him that matters not me

ADad

[A_mothers_love]

Lucyjoy, you are still not grasping what I am trying to say, my whole point is I DO NOT want contact with my son at this time, but with his parents. So yes please I would appreicate you not responding. You are sounding very one track minded. This is not about contacting my son. As ADad stated this has already been established, there is no going back now. Further more, a letter directed at his parents is not going to harm anything, hopefully they are not the type of parents to still be believing in the "as if born to" for we all know that is an impossible feat. I will continue sending these small tokens again to his parents for you are right they are his parents, but should not stop contact if he does so wish. Yes Adad I am entering the teenage years with my other two out of three as we speak. My son is the rebel and I do have complete understanding what patience and understanding it takes to raise teenagers in this day and age, again this is why I do not contact my son F/t/F. His parents dont know me at all, I recieved my sons adoption records from the freedom of information and they were so full of lies. I was fourteen when I had him and the papers stated I was sixteen. They had my description all wrong..ect and so on. so whatever his parents know are lies as well, through the two emails I did send I put my lfe in a nutshell for them. Putting pertinent information that I thought they might want, Truly I was so terrified of not being good enough in their eyes I tried not to say to much. I did tell them that I loved "our" son and that I did have his best interest at heart. I have done extensive councilling on my issues already. I guess what I am hoping for is maintaining a relationship with them, or building one first I should say. I am starting to think though that his not in their minds...the only thing I can say it will be their loss.
Hugs
Melissa

[vicrose]

This note is directed to A Mothers Love....I am an adult adoptee age 36 and can sense your utter frustration with the situation you are in. I started looking for my biological family when I was 17 and still do not have a thread of clues as to her whereabouts, mainly because my adoptive father has contacted everyone from the agency to the state and told them not to give me any info at all..do you know how bad this makes me feel. Sometimes adoptive parents are scared of what we might do..I think maybe they are insecure..well, they should only feel insecure if they've treated us unkindly over the years. Anyway, let me get back to your situation....I think I would of loved to have met my birthmother at 14..but I know that my adoptive parents would of never allowed it. I would of loved to tell her how much I have thought about her over the years....but even though you are very hurt right now with everything that's gone on..keep the faith, and trust that your son will come around, if not today..then maybe a few years down the road..boys are a little more immature than girls at that age..so it may take him a while..but trust in God that he will be happy and healthy......God Bless You....

[A_mothers_love]

I do agree with you that some adoptive parents are insecure about the birth parent finding the child. That is what is called possession. Sometimes I feel that this is what is happening. What I dont understand is why they contacted me, was it just to put me down? I know that I will have a relationship with my son one day. I do have allot to work on before hand, I dont want to scare him with the pent up emotions that I have. One day right?
Hugs
Melissa

[jenna202]

Melissa, in reading your postings, I just kept thinking about how much anger I was getting from what you were writing. And your last posting told me that you already know that - which is great. I'm glad that you are already aware that you have all these emotions that you need to work through. I'm wondering if maybe those emotions aren't clouding what you're going through now. I don't know what the intermediary or your son's parents said or did to you, but I'm wondering if their firm stance wasn't taken the wrong way. As the mother of an adopted daughter, I would FREAK OUT if I saw an ad in the paper from her birth mother. Granted, my circumstances are VERY different, as my daughter's birth mother abused her. However, I can see that if your son's parents had heard negative things about you, they might feel very defensive, and want to 'head you off at the pass', so to speak. They may have wanted to contact you in order to prevent you from turning up on their doorstep. Not knowing you, I'm sure they had and still have no idea what you might do.

You say that you have already been in therapy, and I would strongly encourage you to return. You said yourself you have a lot of bottled-up emotions. And you're only 28 years old. You've got three kids, and you're going through all this - that's a LOT to handle. You could probably use an outlet. I'm afraid you may act out in ways that will alienate your son who was adopted, or cause his parents to alienate him from you. For example, you said you only wanted contact with his parents, but then you sent him a letter directly. I'm sure that signalled something to them. The most important thing is to keep a level head, despite the pain this is causing you, and to proceed with extreme caution.

I'm not trying to be rude to you, or to be harsh, I really do feel for you, and think that your heart is in the right place - but there are certain things that are just factual. The fact of the matter is that your son's parents have every right to prevent you from contacting him - they are his legal guardians. They may feel they are protecting him from something they believe to be true, whether it is or not. Your son is still a minor, and at 14, he absolutely is not old enough to make all his own decisions. This is something that could change his life dramatically, at a very impressionable and fragile time. As you know from raising your other kids, teens have a hard enough time without their long lost birthmom showing up. How will he feel about the fact that you have two other children you are raising? How will he feel that you have to be 100% committed to them? You can't ride to his rescue on a white horse, even though he may fantasize about that. You have a full life as well, and responsibilities you must uphold, as you have to-date. And what about the two children you are raising? How will they be affected, and how are they already affected by the way you are feeling about this situation?

You've done what you needed to do - you've made contact, let them know you are out there, and want your son to know that. And I'm sure, when he comes of age, if he wants, he will find you. There are so many avenues through which he can do so, when he has more maturity, and can better deal with the many issues your presence in his life will bring. For now, you need to get over the poor treatment you feel you received at the hands of the other people in your son's life - it will not help you in the least to hang on to that. Time may see your relationship with these same people become far more pleasant once they are secure enough to realize that you are not trying to 'steal' their son from them.

I do wish you luck, and I sincerely hope you can let go of the anger you are feeling - I know it must be so painful for you.

[A_mothers_love]

I am still in councilling, anger is not the hardest part of what I am dealing with, the confusion is phenominal. I dont have a clue what they know about me, When I recieved my sons adoption order what they wrote on me was totally backwards, right down to the colour of my hair and my age. I dont know if I stated this but I did say that I wrote the parents a letter too. The reason why I wrote my son was on advice from my therapist and my support group (which includes adoptee's and adoptive parents). The main reason why I wrote directly to him and then to his parents was to make sure that he knew that I found him, yes they are his parents, he is not a little baby, he is a teenager. NO I dont want to contact him until he is ready and he asks me to be apart of his life. He is capable of making that decision. He is capable of saying no I dont want to meet her, or yes I do. Again he is not a child that needs to be coddled and protected. I am raising three children all of them are VERY aware of their brother, confused about him not being under our roof but they know him as their brother. We as a family go to councilling together, we also go to support group meetings. For they are very much involved. Adoption does affect everyone in my family. The reason why I wanted to converse with his parents is because I dont want them to misunderstand were I am coming from. I do want to get to know them and them me for the sake of "our" son. He is not a possession, yet it seems to me that this is the way they feel. Teenage years are troubled, adoptive teens have an even harder time because they have a harder time "finding" their identity. It is a proven fact that involving the other family helps the adoptee deal with the identity crisis they go through as teenagers. This may sound funny to you, but I know my son needs me I can feel it. I hear him, I feel him
Hugs
Melissa

[A_mothers_love]

I forgot to mention that the pent up emotions I was talking about were not anger, its love. I do not want to scare him with my love. I have lived fourteen years knowing I have a son but I cannot see him, I have lived fourteen years as a half of a person. The anger you are talking about is not at my son it is not at his parents it would be at the doctor who took my son and wouldnt let me see him, deemed me to young and to single to parent. This is my anger. I dont want to meet my son until I have control over myself, I would not want to be a blubbering mess of tears. I would not be able to stop myself from touching him. I have a picture of him now and goodness if he was in front of me I couldnt handle it, I would have an emotional break down, because of the love I feel, fourteen years of love that I have had to hide and feel guilty about. I went on to have three other children each a replacement for the one I lost, no I dont know how my other son will feel about me losing him yet going on to have three other children. I know that this is a point of guilt for me, something that I am not sure how to let go of. I feel horrible that I cannot for my other childrens sake, but this is why I go to councilling with them, so they can better understand me and I can better help them. Adoption has turned me into a withering mass of hurt, that is my life, but life goes on doesnt it. I dont know how many of you adoptive parents really understand the hurt and pain that we go through. I know some do, yet others have this possession thing, like they really truly believe we wanted them to have our children. This is why I asked my question, I dont know how my sons parents feel, and I want to know, knowing is understanding. If you block everything and pretend everything is rosey and okay then you are only kidding yourself. How are they going to explain to him after all these years of telling him I gave him out of love, that they are only his parents by default. That I didnt chose them? Do you not think he will be a might angry about that? Scary isnt it. I like the truth, sometimes it hurts but it is the truth and much easier to deal with than lies. I am happy that so many of you chose to help me with my question, I dont understand why his parents would be upset with me contacting them/him. I just dont understand and I dont think I ever will. Why is it that they call me selfish? when all I want to do is one day know the son I lost? What is so selfish about needing and wanting contact with someone who is a part of your family?
Hugs
Melissa

[ADad]

Very well said Melissa. Thank you for such a thorough and heartfelt post. I am praying that they change their hearts and that the healing will soon begin. In the meantime, keep up the hard work you are doing with yourself and your other children. This will mean so much to all of them when it bears fruit.

ADad

[JessTK]

I am sorry that you are having this problem with your son's parents. As an A-parent in an open adoption with both my son's bmoms I can only tell you this. When we went into adoption with our oldest and found that the adoption had to be open I thought "are you crazy, I'm raising him, he's mine and he can make the choice when he is 18 as to if he wants a relationship with his bmom." I had never heard of such a thing, all my friends who had been adopted or adopted kids never had any contact with their birthparents. I am telling you this because maybe his mom and dad feel threatened about having you in their life because they have never heard of such a relationship and don't understand how wonderful it can be for everyone! Also maybe their son does not want to meet you and they feel that they are protecting him. Again about my son who is eight, he at this point wants no relationship with his bmom. He did before and lately has not. It is probably just his age right now, I continue a relationship with his bmom and I think that one day again he will want one again with her too. I know these are just possibilities and may not be the case in your situation. Hopefully, if it is only his parents that don't want the contact they will learn more about openess and not be so defensive and maybe come around. Openess is a wonderful thing and we insisted we wanted that for our second child, funny, everyone is scared of the unknown, but once you give it a try it might be oh so great!

[ladyjubilee]

I'm a little concerned by some of the elements in what has been conveyed so far.

First, I'm not certain I'd be comfortable with anyone, birth parent, sales person or even one my relatives suddenly dropping a teenage child a letter, which whether intented to or not, does carry the heavy weight of expectation--in this case the expectation that there WILL BE a relationship (no matter the teenager's desires). I guess I look at it that way because I know many teenagers who ARE children who need to be protected. A child may suffer mental health or emotional problems of which you, even as the person who gave birth may not be aware. A teenager could have just broken up with his girlfriend, lost a beloved relative or any of a hundred of life's challenges that teenagers face everyday. All factors that could impact how he perceives that life altering letter in the mail.

Which leads me to my second concern. If someone had contacted my teenager without first contacting me, I'd have to wonder at their motivations. A group of adult "adoptees" and councilors will probably be viewing a situation through the eyes of a cause. Causes are great, but causes come second to the welfare of a child. In this instance, there seems to be an ASSUMPTION that adoptive parents are "owners" and "possessive" of children. In otherwords, "you better contact the child because the parents won't tell the child." Again, that the parents might be aware of the circumstances of which you are not does not seem to have been considered. At the least, I'd be suspicious of someone who didn't honor my role as parent in judging those circumstances---which certainly would not be a good starting point for a relationship. Let's be honest, mixed in with the calls of wonderful reunions are voices who say they didn't appreciate being confronted with reunion situations. Those voices are often overlooked in the clamour of Open Adoption and reunion---yet the experience of those adoptee's is just as valid. Whether it meets with expectation or not, that could be the experience of this young man.

I am also concerned about the "I wants". I want a relationship, therefore the child must also want a relationship. Since I want a relationship, and I love my child, his parents must be manipulating him if he won't accept my expectations of a relationship. If we assume that teenagers aren't children to be coddled, then we must assume that they are capable of making decisions--even when they are hurtful to us. Let's be honest, teenagers are difficult to manipulate--their BSometers operate 24/7.

I'd finally add that during those times when I feel like everyone is against me, I generally have force myself to look from the outside in. I find that sometimes I perceive things only from my own point of view. I see my expectations, my wants, my needs and forget that sometimes my expectations can be frighting to others, my wants require others to do things they may not want to do, and my needs can conflict with those of others.