[DianeS]

I think we're hearing (partially) only two sides of the conversation. One is the birthmother who wants a relationship with somebody, and the other is her interpretation of what was said by the adoptive parents who say their son doesn't want a relationship with her.

The original question was why did they answer the ad but then hurt her feelings. What if they answered the ad because they thought a relationship, or at least information, would be good for their son? Then they told the son, only to find out he didn't want anything to do with it.

THAT puts the adoptive parents in a very awkward position. Insist on the information exchange and relationship--and hurt their son. Refuse the same situation --and hurt the birthmother.

If you assume all the conversations reported in these posts are the complete truth, then that's the situation you end up with. Two very loving adoptive parents who have decided to honor their son's wishes. If they now sound angry, it might be because they told you what the decision was and yet you continue to contact them and him.

Most of the other things that have been suggested are just "theories"--that the adoptive parents are possessive, or that he is having a teenage identity crisis, or that his parents are telling him the "chosen" story--all theoretical, and I'm not seeing anything in the actual facts of the posts that show those to be true.

I don't know what the best thing to DO about this situation is, but this is one explanation for the situation that you might want to consider--that everything you were told is the truth, and that they hurt you only to avoid hurting their son.

I hope that thought helps you in some way.

[A_mothers_love]

My sentiments exactly, except for one point, I never did have true contact with him or his parents, the go between was very confusing, to the point that I began to think that my son and his parents did not know. Hence my reasoning behind the two letters I sent. I didnt recieve a reply from the letter's I sent, except for my sons parents telling me that they didnt need a picture of me because my son looked like his mom, they also told me not to contact him again. I have not done so and I will not, except for the Christmas card addressed to his family. My main point and thank you for answering my question. why did the parents contact me in the first place. Thank you so very much for giving voice to my thoughts. I still am unsure why they used the words they did, but I do try to myself in their shoes. And come out answering very close to what they said. I am actually quite hurt by some of the answers I recieved. Not one except for yours answered my question directly. I love my son, I know my son is well loved in his family he is healthy and happy. This is my main concern. I do not want to have a relationship with him right now. I dont need to be told that it would be detremental to his health, I know that when he is ready and mature enough he will want to know me. I understand that I have to wait, even when my heart tells me to forge ahead. My MAIN CONCERN is my son. Not what his parents think, not what I think. I believe that you are so very close to the truth, I feel that he is not ready. I cannot thank you enough for knowing what I wanted to hear. I do understand that his parents would want to protect him by any means. Goodness I do that with my other three. Some of the people who replied are still putting their own stuff into mine, when really all I wanted was a direct answer to what I thought was a direct question. I dont need anyone to tell me that I cant have a relationship with my son, I already know and accept that this is the way it is. I am not a selfish person, I am a mother who loves her son that is all. I would do nothing to harm his relationship with his family nor harm him, even though it means that I stuff my feelings for another four years. When it comes down to it its not about me. thank you again for understanding what I needed.
Hugs
Melissa

[jenna202]

Sometimes the most valuable feedback is when someone has the courage to tell us what we DO NOT want to hear. It opens up the possibility of thinking about things differently, seeing other points of view, and growing as people.