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Originally Posted By Sean C.

Why is it that adoptive parents are soooooo concerned about what is BEST for their child right up to the point when their ADULT child decides they want to know their birthfamily and then suddenly it ALL ABOUT THEM!! My parents did everything they could to prevent me from meeting my birthfamily including lying to me when I asked them if they knew where she was and returning and destroying letters she sent AFTER I turned 18!! Luckily we still found each other. My Mom saved copies of everything she sent me. AND I found out she was supposed to have been getting pictures and letters about me and she never did. All my parents managed to do is cause me to mistrust them and now we are not even speaking. My birthmother and new brother and sister are wonderful people and my parents are really missing out, and Im hurt because I wish I could share this with my parents.

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Originally Posted By Leigh

Sean,
I am so sorry your adoptive parents did this to you. They allowed their fears, insecurity and jealousy to destroy their relationship with you. Your story should be a warning to any adoptive parent who cuts off contact with the child's birthfamily.

I am so happy that things are going well with your birthmom and new siblings! It is a such a shame that your adoptive parents can't be happy for you too. Children are not possessions, but all too often they seem to be treated that way in adoption. There are a lot of adoption-related groups online for adult adoptees and birthmoms in varying stages of reunion. Talking to a other adoptees who have been in your situation may help you feel better about this.

Sean, please also consider posting your story on some of the open adoption boards around this site -- I have seen a lot of adoptive parents make comments about how closing an open adoption is not a bad thing. I don't think they realize what it will do to their child later on in life or to their relationship with him or her.

I hope your relationship with your birthfamily continues to be wonderful for you. You are very lucky to have found them!

Best wishes,
Leigh

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Originally Posted By Linny

Sean:
After reading your post, it seems that there are two situations here. On one hand you say that you are so angry with your parents for lying to you that neither you, nor they are speaking. On the other hand, you mention that you are hurt because you cannot share the new found birth relatives with your parents.
I'm an adoptive mom, six times over. I would never, ever lie to my children. (A down-right sin in my book....to 'lie about anything to one's kids'). However, have they given any kind of reasoning as to why they seemed to be so afraid of your receiving letters, etc. from your birthparent? If you've not discussed this, I would try to. (I'm not in any way excusing their behavior, because I do believe lying and secrecy are two of the biggest reasons adoption is where it's at now.)
However, it seems to me, that only if you try to understand 'their reasoning', will any of you be able to go on with any kind of good relationships at all.
(Please don't misunderstand me......I'm with you concerning how wrong they were to lie.) Maybe, somehow, they felt there was a perfectly good reason to behave in the way they did. And, whether or not it's good reasoning, it would seem that only you can decide to 'go on' and accept their mistake, or make it a wedge between the three of you forever.

Either way-----it's not an easy choice to make....

Sincerely,

Linny

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Originally Posted By Elizabeth Kinlein

First off you do need to think about your adoptive parents feelings. They gave you a home when they didn't have too. I do believe they have gone about this the wrong way. What they are feeling is probably jealousy. Try to talk to your parents the one thing they are probably worried about is that you love your new family more than them. I was adopted at the age of eight and I am still looking for my birth parents haven't had any luck yet. My mother is worried what will happen when I do find my bio mom. I simply tell her that I love her and I will always love her that no one can come between me and her. Try telling your parents that you love them very much. Tell them you will always love them. Also tell them that you would like to get to know the person that brought you into this world and this is something that you would like to share with them.

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Originally Posted By Cherie

They did it because they felt threatened. It's mostly about you, but its still a little about them. They took you into their lives as their OWN, regardless of the obvious. Give them a break, if you've ever been in a relationship w/someone who still had feelings for a previous sig other you'll understand. You're parents feel like, 'how can they compete?' But they raised you and loved you through the most trying times in your life. They are the ones who deserve to be called Mom and Dad. Believe me I know. My birthmother is absolutely wonderful too, and my half brother is the greatest. But you can't forget the people who watched and helped you grow into the person you are now.

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Originally Posted By Cherie

Be honest w/you adoptive parents. I don't know how old you are but they don't understand how much is inherited or how much we feel the void of something missing. Include them in your feelings at the same time reassuring them that your not looking for a replacement. I had my birthmother and her parents stay w/my adoptive parents when they came for a visit and it was the best thing I could have ever done. Everyone found their own peace.

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Originally Posted By Tim

Dear Sean; As a reunited adoptee myself, I know the emotions involved in a reunion. My adoptive parents were deceased when I found, so I never had your problem. I have done a lot of reading though, and can tell you that, while I don't condone what your parents did, there may be many reasons behind their actions. Many times, agencies promised the adoptive parents confidentiality, and having a relationship with your birthmother wasn't even a thought. You don't say how old your parents are, but they may be from the 'old school', and believed that once they adopted you, you were their child, period, and no one else had any other claim over you. They may fear that they are losing you to your birthparents. You need to reassure them that they will always be 'mom and dad' to you. Finally, they may just not understand the need for you to connect with your heritage. I urge you not to turn your back on them, but let them know the door is always open for a dialog. Just to let you know, I am also an adoptive parent. I know where my daughter's birthmother is, and I know it is going to hurt when she grows up and wants to spend more time with them. But I was her dad, and always will be her dad, and should be happy that she had found her other family. One thing that parents don't always understand is that, once you have raised a child, you have to let them go live their own lives, even if you don't agree with it. I hope all of you can eventually have a loving realtionship.

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Originally Posted By Ronna

Sean,
As a birthmother I just wanted you to know that most of the birthmothers I am in contact with do not want to re-connect, re-enter the lives of our bchildren to cause a disconnection with your adoptive parents. We know we can never go back and 'parent' our child.
I see lots of adoptees and birthmothers that are seeking a real relationship with each other, however, I rarely see on the boards adoptive parents who adopted 20+ years ago speaking out on any of the issues one way or the other. You might want to reassure your parents that you love them and are thankful. I do believe though, that you have every right to know your birt relatives and should never ever feel guilty for following your heart.
My own birth sons parents are unable to accept me in his life, its been almost 4 years since I have found him. They just weren't ready for it!! I wrote them an extremely long letter that took a year to compose, that was 3 years ago and I haven't heard one word back from them, the silence is hard. They just have a lot of fears to overcome and thats not an easy task.
Hang in there.

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Originally Posted By Patti

Hi Sean,
As you know, your parents have made some big mistakes. They shouldn't have lied to you and they should have kept their promises to your b-mother. You should know that not all adoptive parents act that way. I suspect that adoption was not a topic for open discussion when you were growing up, either.

I suppose that people who act like your parents, are extremely insecure in their entitlement to parent. They see b-parents has a constant threat. When a kid is little they are afraid b-parents will try to take them back. When kids are grown they are afraid they will lose their love. I think in their hearts they fear they are not "real parents".

As an adoptive mother I can never understand those who don't support, at least adult children, in search, reunion etc. No one owns their children.

I also cannot understand cruelty toward those who placed their children for adoption. What does it take to send letters and photos?

Patti

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Originally Posted By paulie_girl

I'm so sorry for what you are going through... I am an adoptee as well, and reunited with my birth mother.. it has been weird, but not so harsh as your experience.
This may be a little elementary, and I hope it's not insulting to you, but your story reminded me of something in my own that I hope might - in some small way - help you (or maybe even someone else that sees this!)
Without getting into the whole long, drawn out history of my life... assume the usual, typical adoptee story. Adopted at 'birth', (before open adoption!), closed records, denial, blah blah blah... at 24 years of age I finally decided to address my issues and situation. Started searching, started asking questions, started bracing for the possible injuries, etc.
To make a long rant shorter... I did succeed in my search, I did repair a lot of my own damage, I did meet with many more questions than I knew I had.
The funny thing is, with all the issues and all the unanswered questions and all the little leads I followed and all the loose strings....the LAST question I thought to ask was "What must this entire adoption experience have been like for my ADOPTIVE PARENTS?"
Of course I had spent years of energy to determine what it meant to me, naturally I considered all the myriad of possible scenarios that might have existed for my birth mother/father, etc...
But... it wasn't until it was ALL said and done that I thought to question my adoptive folks about how they came to be my folks... Who they were BEFORE ME, as much as after... Yeah, I knew my mom couldn't have kids... I grew up on the usual "you're special because..." stories and lore....but that's about the extent of it. And, of course, we had issues!!
Whenever I met with other adoptees, or I read about and actually met some "birth mothers"; I had a BILLION questions for those people over the years. It was so refreshing to hear about the experiences of others, and it sort of normalized my view of myself to meet other members of this weird club, check for similarities, look for insight - you probably know just what I mean!
But I NEVER thought to ask what the whole experience was like for my own mom and dad. I never really discussed it much with them, let alone picked their brains like I would readily do with a total stranger of similar circumstance... What were their fears, their obstacles, their hopes, their disappointments, their families and friends reactions, their attempts to reconcile the situation with a small child throughout the years... what was all that like for them? We never brought it up - I thought it would hurt them, they thought it would hurt me. We kept it nice, neat, minimal. Well... I finally asked!!!
Not suprisingly, they went through ALOT!!Notwithstanding the emotional scars that I know my mom carried with her as a daughter of the 50's and the Doris Day mentality she was raised with - only to find she was unable to fulfil her "purpose" as wife & mother... the family members from the old school who thought adoption was wrong, causing them to move to the US from Canada... the grueling process of proving themselves - a young, struggling, newlywed couple - worthy of being parents to the strangers at the agency... how many times they jumped through hoops and waited and had to start all over again...the whole SHEBANG! (and then some!)
It was very rough for them in ways that seemed unimportant to me throughout the years. No, not unimportant exactly - I never even CONSIDERED their "pre-Me" story. Everyone else in any point of the triad that I've met since a child has been fair game for my inquisitive dialogue. But it took me 30 years to have that chat with my own parents.
Since I sat down and had that talk with them, the doors opened up alot between us. At least I feel better, anyhow! (um..on THIS subject, I mean!!!) ;->
I think for ALL of us, it's still tense, and not surprisingly - these are all deep seated issues, as you well know. And in the day to day it can be uncomfortable. For instance, I arranged a "gathering" of my new, "extended" family - only to find my moms don't care for one another much, but that's ok. They're both a little looney in their own ways, and I am a product of them both - most DEFINITELY!
Especially in light of stories like your own, I'm very grateful they tried. I don't expect another get-together anytime soon... it's just too much for all of them, and just the teeniest bit overwhelming for me, too - I might add!!
I believe I still have a tendency to approach the situation with the emotions left from childhood, yet as an adult, I can see that they did (& continue to do) the things they've done with love and their best attempts at consideration for me, even when it managed to screw me up in the process... they are, after all JUST PEOPLE.
My parents, "adoptive" and "birth",are bearers of no special insight or ability to cope; they are no less subject to reacting poorly to long-neglected emotional powder kegs than anyone else. And they inherently all have their own baggage, guilt, disappointement, expectations, etc.
It helps me to remind myself that they are just human, and being part of the adoption process - they are also just another bunch of confused humans, like all of us adoptees. No family is perfect, they say... and this is just another one of those!! With an enormously emotional history, with less common beginnings, and with relatives that don't necessarily know or want to know each other - but just another 'fam-****ily', ya know? So you have to get to know them a little differently, but they're just your stinking relatives when you get right down to it!
I guess I digress - back on track, my point is, it helped ME immensely to ask the most basic questions about who all these PARENTS where/are/hoped to be for themselves, BEFORE ME... What formed their decisions, what filled their thoughts, what ripped at their heartstrings BEFORE my precarious entrance into their lives. I don't care how pretty a picture you paint, adoption is a compromise for EVERYONE CONCERNED!!! A very tricky one, at that. So what did it DO to THEM?
THUS... my query to you is: What are your parents going through... REALLY? And how did that come to be? Maybe they don't want to share, but I'm guessing it wasn't easy. And maybe their reaction seems to you to be completely unwarranted and hurtful, but it IS likely some (albeit unfair - if not downright twisted out of shape with reality..)outward manifestation & expression of their love and attachment to you. Maybe they've been through trials and emotional lows they've spared you from realizing... maybe they're just afraid.. maybe they're just your screwed up relatives! Love them anyhow!
Maybe they would respond to your sincere inquiries about who they are, where they have been and why they feel the way they do. Maybe you can see through the smoke screen they're putting up and unearth why they would act this way, despite how much they love you and you love them... Maybe it would help them to be asked, if not to say, and it sounds like it would definitey help you to know. Your message header is "Why did my parents do this to me?" Try asking them! (But maybe not until you can honestly desire to know - and without needing to change them! That just opens you up for more pain. When you feel ready to just understand, not judge...)
Maybe your first question should be the one we all start this process with: "Who are my parents?" Not the ones you searched for - the ones right under your nose! Who are they?

Like I said, it's sort of a simple idea, and maybe too simple... I hope it helps anyhow.

Love, sympathy, high hopes & best wishes to you!

paulie_girl@hotmail.com

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Originally Posted By Debra

Sean, I am an adoptee and a birthmother two times. I am not sure why your adoptive parents have done what they did. I think in their own minds, they were protecting you from the unknown. Some parents go overboard. As I have found out, alot of aparents are afraid of losing the adoptees that they have loved for so long. Some adoptiveparents are never really secure in the fact that the adoptee is theirs. They may be afraid of you being taken away from thyem like some of the movies show. Some of them are never really sure if they loved the right way, or taught the right things. I think mostly they are afraid of being rejected the same as the birthparents are. Unfortunately it is up to us, the adoptees to reassure our adoptive parents that we will love them no matter what. Try and see if you can get some kind of relationship back with your parents. And if not rejoice that you have found your other family.
Hugs and Love from a fellow adoptee,
Debra

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Originally Posted By Carol, Birthmom in reunion 16 years

Sean, there are several stories/articles in adoption.com's library (http://www.AdoptionLibrary.com ) that can be of much help to you. Some can be copied and sent to your Parents to help THEM understand your feelings.
Unfortunately there ARE Adopters who are uneasy with their child's desire to meet his/her birthfamily. In most cases they feel threatened. They have a sense of "ownership" of you because they raised you and sacrificed for you.
They don't understand that NO ONE "owns" another human being. Parental love is meant to be unconditional.
I was very fortunate in that my daughter's parents were mature and understanding. They WANTED our daughter to know me, and they WANTED to be able to relate to me. They succeeded in earning my devotion and respect over these 16 years of reunion.
Try to understand your parents and at least TRY to help them understand YOU and your needs.
Check out our library .. There is a great letter written by an adoptee to her parents about the need to know her identity," Dear Mom and Dad" that you might want to print and send to your parents.
Also, Colleen Buckner, an A-mom who helped her daughter search for her biological family, wrote a "letter" to Adoptive Parents, from an Adoptive Mom.; the title slips my mind, but you shouldn't have any problem finding it.
You have to scroll down the list before finding most of the reunion related articles, but it will be worth the search.
MAYBE your parents have calmed down now and will welcome a chance to understand your needs better.
Love is something we have an abundance of ... I wish adoptive parents would understand this. they have to share you and your children with others when you marry, anyway.
Good luck and God bless you in both relationships.
Hugs, Carol (mcbird@bellsouth.net)

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Originally Posted By Edwina E.

Dear Sean C. I am soo sorry about what you endured coming up.And yes I do think it is wrong for parents to mislead someone about their biological parents.the truth is eventually gonna come out one day.and all that does is stirr up confusion between the birth parent(s) and the child,which will take years of rekindling lost emotions.Im in the same situation but I am the birthparent and I will be FORCED to give up my child for adoption. I am 27 years old,I have 5 children already.Iam pregnant.my boyfriend of 5 months wants me to abort my unborn child.I'll be 3mons.soon and each day it gets harder and harder to bear knowing that I will have to do this.I mean what will he/she grow up thinking about me? will they ever get to know about me? what will they be told about me if so? and will they really know the REAL reason I did what I had to do? every day I STRUGGLE with these thoughts.Im gonna keep it real,I am in a low-income situation in search of work, its a task just to keep food on the table. I alone, struggle with bills and raising 5 kids on my own. You know things happen and I did protect myself during conception of this child but this is living proof that condomns aren't 100% reliable.So quite naturally I gotta do what comes from the heart I gotta try to make sure I can find him a nice loving family that can give him what Im afraid I can't right now. and my boyfriend,soon to be ex-boyfriend can **** off be cause Im not about to dare kill my little innocent baby,who 1,didn't ask to be here.and 2,doesnt deserve none of this. How DARE he even entertain the thought! but all I'm saying is that, I hope and pray that one day we can reunite under good terms and iron out all the misunderstandings (if any) cause I KNOW he's gonna wanna know why I couldn't keep him and I kept the other 5. and I sure as hell don't want his/her mind to be poisoned with lies and fictitious stories. The only reason Im doing this is because I love him/her and wanna do whats best for 'em.BECAUSE ANY THING BEATS KILLING HIM.

thanks for listening

EDWINA E.

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Originally Posted By Greg

Hey....
well i might be younger than you
but i can understand how it feels
Try to work things out

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Originally Posted By Susan

I am an adoptee who has just reunited with my biological family. My parents told me that they didnt know my birthmom. Lie. My bio-grandparents even confirmed that they, along with my mom, met my adoptive parents. They also told me that they were supposed to get pictures and letters about me. They never got anything. My mother has lived for the past 19 years terrified that I died or something. I know none of this is my fault, but in a way I feel guilty because I have been a source of pain for so many people. Its a miracle that we found each other, but I know God wanted it so that my family could finally have some peace. I just wish my Adoptive Mom and Dad had not hurt so many people on my account and treated my Mom so bad. I read on one of these boards an adopted parent wondering if adoption was "adoption" or just a "short term lease!!!" A Lease? Ins'nt "lease" a word you use regarding renting some kind of property?? A car? A house? Im a person!! My parents make me feel so guilty for wanting to know my family and I try to tell them it has nothing to do with them or them being my parents. Even some of my friends tell me Im wrong and I should respect my adoptive parents wishes not to see them and just be "grateful" to them for taking me in after my Mom "abandoned" me. Thats another thing! I was always told I was abandoned, but I dont think I was, if my Mom met my parents and knew where I was going! I feel a lot better knowing she cared, and after all she was only 16 and really didnt have a whole lot of choice. I feel really torn and angry I should have to make a choice. I wish they could be friends.