[teesah]

The adoption is final 1 1/2 yrs later bmom contacts me she now has 2 more kids one we know 1 we have not seen. She wants he picture with all of her kids and all the sibling together as a family. Would this confuse my 4 yr old?

[mom2GRLC]

I think it depends on the relationship you have with her bmom. If your daughter hasn't seen her for a year in a half it may be a little confusing.

We are adopting our little girl now 3 through fostercare. We've had her for almost 2 years. Her bmom and family are coming up to visit her this weekend and we are hoping to get pictures taken of them all together. I'd also like to get a picture taken with just bmom, me and our daughter. I think it will be something special for her to have as well as our daughter. I'm hoping it won't be confusing for our little girl. I'm hoping that in the future she will be greatful we wanted this for her.

We'll see how things go. It's been a few months since she saw her bmom last...so we are planning on having a visit first....rather than trying to start of their visit by...something our daughter hates anyways(smiling for pictures). That way they can get to know each other again first.

[spaypets]

Why would posing for a photograph be confusing? My daughter poses for photos with her cousins, with her friends, with the dog, with her grandparents.

Clearly the birth mom wants a photo of all her children, the ones she's raising and the one she isn't, together. Just like my parents like to have photos of all their grandchildren together -- the ones that are bio and the one that's adopted.

The fact is that your daughter has siblings being parented by someone other than you. It's the reality, and it's only confusing if you make it. (IMHO, it's a heck of a lot less confusing than the poor kids who have to split their time between divorced parents who have gone on to have other kids.).

[Shoshana]

I completely agree with Spay.

[pingaa3]

someday your daughter will thank you for having pictures of her half-sibs to look back on, especially if she misses the opportunity to get to know them in person.

Inga

[teesah]

I agree with you however...
the bmom's rights were terminated because of abandonment and she is obveously bitter towards me and has said that she will never respect me as the parent, and she will her child to do the same, and that I stole her . My a child is 4 and in the 4 yrs has seen her bmom only 9 times does not know her as her mom even though I expained she came from her tummy. bmom wants a family portrait to show her that they were a "happy family" she does not have any children siving with her 1 w/great aunt, 1 w/ grandma there was never a family unit. She wants my achild to resent me is what the bgrandma said.

[teesah]

the bmom has also told me that if "her" daughter ever addresses her as anything but mom she will "slap the crap out of her"

I am not sure it would be in the best interest to have a visit, let alone a portrait taken. Maybe if she calms down.

She has to be civil and respect me as the parent.
Right?

[teesah]

It is an important fact to know that the bmom asked me to babysit her at 3 days old and did not come back for a month. when she came back said she could not handle it and just wanted to visit...I got power of attorney at 1yr, guardianship at 1yr 8mo and adoption at 3 yrs 4 mo has only visited 9 times and never supported her child in any way, said I could raise her child til she was 18 for all she cared but her child would never be adopted!
I am not opposed to visits or knowing her bfamily I think they need more time to adjust and calm down.

Thanks for all of your advice! I am a single parent adoption and decisions are tough, I want to be fair, but not taken advantage of.
teesa

[joskimo]

I can definitely understand your feelings towards the bmom however having such a picture might not only mean a lot to the bmom but also to your daughter later and to her siblings. Adoption doesn't erase the past, she will always have those siblings (I'm not sure that I understand that the bmom is raising them or if others are).

that being said, I think you need to lay down the law that no one under any circumstances slaps the cr*p out of your daughter and that the appropriate name for her is "other mom" or whatever you have decided. I think that should be negotiated ahead of time.

I wish you luck ---

J

[coco46]

Wow, what a tough situation. In this instance, I'd probably agree to the pictures for your daughter's sake. Whatever "visit" there would be would revolve around the picture taking, then as brief a contact as I could get away with.

On the other hand, you don't have to be a doormat for anyone who wants to be a wedge in your relationship with your daughter. From the situation you've described, it sounds like bmom regrets her actions in her childrens' early lives, and rather than taking responsibility for them, she's blaming everyone who she feels "stole" her children. That being said, I'd firmly but calmly set down some ground rules. She will NEVER "slap the crap" out of your daughter. You are her mom, and bmom must deal with that respectfully, regardless of her personal feelings. If any physical contact ever occurs, you will call the police, file charges of abuse, and cut off all further contact. No unsupervised visits. Any verbal bashing will result in a visit being ended immediately. I'd also arrange for all visits to be in public places like a park or restaurant, where conflict can be more easily diffused or ended quickly, rather than at bfamily's home or your home.

I truly admire your desire to keep the lines of communication open, but you need to carefully safeguard your daughter's mental health, too. Hopefully, as time goes on, you can build up a solid and more open relationship with at least bgrandma and other members of the extended family, even if bmom never really comes around. Best of luck.

[teesah]

no children currently live w/the bmom, she is a crack addict and social services was at her house 6 times this year to investigate her , one child hospitalized w/ 3rd degree burns, later dislocated shoulder, most recent wrist elbow out of socket.

I tried to set some ground rules when she contacted me 1 yr ago and wanted to visit and show my daughter her new sister. She said that they were all ______ rediculous and I cannot control her and tell her what to say and do with "her" daughter, she'll so and say what she wants. Part of the conversation was about paternity there are 5 possibilities one was eliminated at adoption she was positive it was him. now she says it has to be ___. She does not know. All I said if asked, that she please tell her she's not sure. When she is older we can gladly out search the other 4 and find him but not to give her names...my daughter spent the 1st 2 1/2yrs thinking this guy was her father now we are trying to have her understand he is just our friend.

public visit sounds like a really good idea, will help it not be as tense.

The bgrandmother is great to work with and visits 2-3 times a month. very supportive, however when it comes to her daughter she has nothing to say. Her daughter has a right to feel how she feels

I do send the bmom pictures every month and she is very ungrateful because she hates the fact I put her new last name on them --I only changed her last name.

Great Idea's!
Thanks again
Teesah

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

OK - do not know how to copy things in the blue box - so, based on these 2 parts of Teesa's message:

one child hospitalized w/ 3rd degree burns, later dislocated shoulder, most recent wrist elbow out of socket.

I tried to set some ground rules when she contacted me 1 yr ago and wanted to visit and show my daughter her new sister. She said that they were all ______ rediculous and I cannot control her and tell her what to say and do with "her" daughter, she'll so and say what she wants.

I would cut off all contact with bmom. Sorry if this offends someone, but this is not a healthy relationship, and I cannot see how it is good for her daughter. Keeping up contact with BGmom is fine, but the bmom is dangerous, and I cannot see how it could be good to expose her daughter to someone that is unpredictable in what she would say or do.

Kay

[coco46]

Teesa,

Yikes! based on the additional info. you provided, I have to agree with Kay. This person sounds unstable and possibly dangerous.

Cut off all visits w/bmom unless she by some miracle turns her life completely around. I'd work with the other members of the bfamily to coordinate pictures of the kids together, but leave her out of it.

So sorry you have to endure this, but kudos to you anyway for still trying to keep a relationship w/your daughter's sibs & bfamily. This forum is a great place to talk and vent, and just to chat!

[Howdy]

If a 4 yr old child is already confused about a 'dad' not being a dad after all, I would not risk letting her bmom tell her that the woman she thinks is her mom is not her mom and stole her. I would think that might be quite frightening to the child.

[ellemeth]

Your daughter's b-mom sounds scary. Good luck with whatever you decide but I know I wouldn't let her near my daughter.