adoption.com

adoption.com

 
JOIN 800,000+ MEMBERS JOINJOIN Cancel
image






Adoption Forums®

Members List Photos Events Local Adoption Support Search Arcade Reviews Membership Upgrade
Welcome to the Forums. Register
If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ. You may have to register before you can post or search: click here to proceed. To start viewing messages, select a forum below that you would like to view or click View All of Todays Posts.
Forum Categories
User Name
Password

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-17-2003, 12:39 PM
dad dad is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 12
Total Points: 11,678.82
Donate
Question Letter To Daughter

Hi I am a new member today.
I found this site whilst looking for information about writing a letter to my daughter who has been adopted.

My daughter was taken away from me (me and girl at the time)
after the mother seriously hurt the child from birth - infact even before birth as she was 10 weeks early because of what the mother did.

She spent the next 6 months causing numerous injurys.
This can be explained at a later date.
For now I am wanting to know what advice or help anyone can offer me for writing my 1st letter to my daughter, she is 5 now.

I await you kind responses

Paul (Alisha's dad)
Reply With Quote
Adoption Community Information
Cody & Jenevieve (MN)
are hoping to adopt
Cody & Jenevieve hoping to adopt A Service of Adoption Profiles
Hoping to Adopt?
New Jersey
Click here to visit Adoptions From The Heart
Building beautiful families through adoption since 1985. A leader in open adoption, AFTH provides services to pregnant women wishing to create an adoption plan and adoptive families seeking to create a family.
Adoptions From The Heart
(800) 355-5500   Fax (610) 642-7938

  #2  
Old 11-17-2003, 08:59 PM
luvly74's Avatar
luvly74 luvly74 is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 4
Total Points: 605.00
Donate
Im there for you

Dear Paul,

I understand how hard it is for you. My daughter is now 7 years old and i have a very hard time also. I have only written her twice and i feel bad, but is is hard to find the right words to say.
Maybe you can start by saying sorry it has taken so long to write to you but it is hard to find the right words. Just saying i love you and im sorry doesnt come close to what you deserve from me. You are so beautiful and special and i love you so much. Things didnt turn out the way i planned and i am truly sorry.
Paul i know its a tough thing to do, but you have to. The longer you wait the more it will eat at you and the more it will hurt. Take it from some one who knows.
She is going to know that you love her and you did what was best for her, But she will never know unless you write the letter. Mybe send her a few photos of you and your family so she knows if she looks like you.
I hope i have helped. Im still trying to get through the same thing myself but if you need anything else, maybe just some one to talk about it with, you can email me luvly174@yahoo.com
Good luck with your letter.
Fawn
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-17-2003, 11:25 PM
myknstef myknstef is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 3
Total Points: 342.00
Donate
Paul,

I'm sorry you are having to go through this but I think that writing a letter is very important for both you and her. I also think that you should write a letter and have it placed in her adoption file should she decide to find you one day. Take it from someone who is adopted, it's an easier travelled road when you know that your bparent wants to find you as well. Half of the battle for an adoptee is not knowing whether there is rejection waiting at the other end. Good luck with everything and may God Bless you!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-18-2003, 06:42 AM
dad dad is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 12
Total Points: 11,678.82
Donate
Thanks for the quick response.
I struggled last night to even put pen to paper and when I did I could not put down in words what I want to say.
Problem is I just don't know what to say.
mostly I feel a failure "quoted by court - failure to protect the child" which I obviously was, but the injuries were hidden or disguised from me at the time.
She was born some 10 weeks early and was only 21 cm's and weight 1lb 10.5 oz
Alisha was taken into car by social services on the night I took her to hospital, she had a fractured skull and 4 cracked ribs and a broken ankle.
I left the house then and never went back.
She was only 6 months old, I visited her daily at Social services until the courts put her up for adoption by then she was 2 1/2 years old, I have not seen her since.
I recieved a letter and a photo a few weeks ago, I have to reply and say what...........
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-18-2003, 08:21 AM
Jensboys Jensboys is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 1999
Posts: 5,423
Total Points: 165,994.28
Donate
Say that

Hi - I adopted two boys then ages 3 and 4 who had also had visits with birthfamily and had been abused. Here is what I would suggest after parenting children in that situation.

Tell her you love her and WHY you love ... be specific. "I love you beautiful blue eyes or brown hair" etc ... I remember the first time I saw you and how perfect you were. (Kids who have been abused need to be told they were lovable and it wasnt their fault). Talk about ALL the good things you saw in her ... how she smiled, how she used to give great hugs etc... how she wasnt a bad baby at all but was simply the way she was supposed to be.

Take the time to agknowledge that bad things happened and you are so sorry. That you DID love her and when you realized what had happened you took her to the hospital to get her help right away. (Kids need concrete things to understand what happened). Dont go into details ... just agknowledge that she was hurt, you are sorry you couldnt stop it but that you are really glad the doctors could make her better.

Agknowledge her parents -- help her to know that she is PERMANENTLY with her current parents. Obviously they are reaching out to you if you got a picture and a letter, and your being respectful of them as her "Mommy and Daddy" will INFINATELY help her to be secure. Say something like "I am so glad that your mommy and daddy love you so much. And even though I miss you, It makes me very happy to know that you are somewhere where noone can ever hurt you again. From what they have told me, they love you very very much too. They told me you are the most special five year old in the whole world" I know that may not be an accurate in-depth description of your most intimate feelings on teh subject, but your daughter is 5 and she needs to feel secure.

Ask questions ... kids LOVE to know someone is interested in them. EG "I really like popsicles, especialy the blue ones, do you like popsicles too?" "When I was 5 I always wanted to have a puppy, do you have a puppy at your house? Maybe you could send me a picture of you doing your MOST favorite thing"

Do you have pictures of you and her together ... make copies at a photocopier and send them along with a description in story terms. "This is a picture with you and me going to the store ... it was a fun day because we saw Santa ....." "This is a picture of you and my mom, you used to call her gradma, she loved to make you cookies" etc...

Be fun, be loving and mostly just try to make a connection. If you are looking for a little gift to send along ... little girls that age love craft supplies ... send along felts or crayons and ask her to draw you a picture that you can put on your fridge.

I would also HUGELY and separately thank the adoptive parents for allowing this. Your agknowledgement of them will go A LONG way to facilitating future contact. I know the letter we got from our sons bdad absolutely made the difference between us wanting and not wanting direct contact and visits with him. It was a really great letter.
__________________

Jensboys -
Mom of 4 Boys
AS - 19 born 1995 adopted 1999
AS - 18 born 1996 adopted 1999
BS - 16
BS - 13

And Mom of 3 Girls (bio sisters)

AD - 6 born 2008 adopted 2009
AD - 5 born 2009 adopted 2009
AD - 1 born 2013 adopted 2013



I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-05-2004, 12:24 AM
dad dad is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 12
Total Points: 11,678.82
Donate
I finally did it a few weeks ago I got a letter which contained some photos and a drawing.
Made me cry for ages, she is 5 1/2 now.
I struggled to put pen to paper but after a short while the thoughts in my head just flowed from the ink of my pen to paper.
Having sent the letter I feel so much better.
Thanks for all your replies.
Feels like such a weight has gone off my shoulders, I know it's only the 1st time but it has now given me the confidence to do another.
I wait patiently for the next letter.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-11-2004, 03:27 PM
lilifelover lilifelover is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 375
Total Points: 8,579.96
Donate
Good for you. All children deserve to hear from their birthparents...especially the ones that love them.

Blessings on your new relationship! Keep it up...even if it is hard, it will get better.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-20-2005, 01:51 AM
dad dad is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 12
Total Points: 11,678.82
Donate
Fathers day card

Hi all,
It's been a while since I posted here but I have been reading posts.

After 6 years it hit me last night that I've not had a fathers day card from Alisha.

I get a christmas card in about feb/march but never had a fathers day card.

Is this what adopted children are told not to do? alright she is only 6.5 and can't exactly go to the shops and buy one to post, but is it not the resonsibilty of the new adopted mother to do this.

Or is this a taboo subject that adopted children cannot do?

Or am I to be punished for something I did not do for the rest of my life.
Reply With Quote

  #9  
Old 06-20-2005, 10:37 AM
Jensboys Jensboys is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 1999
Posts: 5,423
Total Points: 165,994.28
Donate
Well to be honest its not something alot of adoptive parents think about. Father's Day, particularly for young children, are about agknowledging and celebrating "Daddy". If an adoptive parent is thinking about it long and hard, they may realize that the birth parent wants and should be agknowledged on Mother's or Father's Day - but many aparents dont.

There are a couple of possible reasons why ...

#1) Insecurity. They are her parents therefore agknowledging another parent on those special days can make them feel like "lesser" than they want to feel.

#2) Not knowing how it will make you feel. Often times aparents ignore those days because they dont want to make you feel badly. They dont want to "remind" you of your loss.

#3) Not even crossing their minds. Your daughter has a daddy ... so in their books he is the one who gets agknowledged. Not necessarily the kindest or most generous attitude -- but it is out there.

Why cant you send HER a card for Father's Day? Saying something along the lines that you wanted to send her a special card because on the day she was born you became a Father. If they ARE insecure, I would also suggest sending her dad a letter as well agknowledging his role in her life as well.

Jensboys
__________________

Jensboys -
Mom of 4 Boys
AS - 19 born 1995 adopted 1999
AS - 18 born 1996 adopted 1999
BS - 16
BS - 13

And Mom of 3 Girls (bio sisters)

AD - 6 born 2008 adopted 2009
AD - 5 born 2009 adopted 2009
AD - 1 born 2013 adopted 2013



I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-21-2005, 02:49 AM
dad dad is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 12
Total Points: 11,678.82
Donate
Quote:
Well to be honest its not something alot of adoptive parents think about. Father's Day, particularly for young children, are about agknowledging and celebrating "Daddy". If an adoptive parent is thinking about it long and hard, they may realize that the birth parent wants and should be agknowledged on Mother's or Father's Day - but many aparents dont.

That's a very good point, now that I have come around out of feeling sorry for myself a bit and realised my selfishness.


Quote:
There are a couple of possible reasons why ...

#1) Insecurity. They are her parents therefore agknowledging another parent on those special days can make them feel like "lesser" than they want to feel.
Good valid point, never really thought about it like that.

Quote:
#2) Not knowing how it will make you feel. Often times aparents ignore those days because they dont want to make you feel badly. They dont want to "remind" you of your loss.
True, it must be hard for her adoptive parent to write even the letter and christmas card. I did hint on when my birthday was but nothing came of it - was I selfish?

Quote:
#3) Not even crossing their minds. Your daughter has a daddy ... so in their books he is the one who gets agknowledged. Not necessarily the kindest or most generous attitude -- but it is out there.
hmmm possible.

Quote:
Why cant you send HER a card for Father's Day? Saying something along the lines that you wanted to send her a special card because on the day she was born you became a Father. If they ARE insecure, I would also suggest sending her dad a letter as well agknowledging his role in her life as well.

Jensboys

One thing that has come back to me is that I am sure very sure, that the adoptive parent who was single at the time with another child, that she STILL is single.
And that I could be wrong but gives off the impression she is not interested in men.....

That's a good stable relationship upbringing for my girl.


Are you saying I should send her a fathers day card on fathers day? or for when she was born?
I think either would be a great idea, thanks.


If there is a Mr Dad around, then I don't see why they/he should feel insecure. it's not like I come around every sunday and take her away from him.

Thanks for listening/reading. I feel much better now.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 08-16-2005, 08:33 PM
lilifelover lilifelover is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 375
Total Points: 8,579.96
Donate
Wow,
birthmothers everywhere wish that they had had a man that would have cared for them and their baby...as you seem to truly have wanted to. Your daughter's birthmother was blessed and did not realize or appreciate it...just to let you know you should be proud that you are starting to initiate contact, most birthfathers run from it.

For your daughter...tell her she is beautiful and you love her. If you know anything about her that you like, compliment that. Let her know that you aren't ashamed of her, but instead loved her so much that she's with the family she's in now because you wanted her to have the best care that she could have as soon as possible. You could tell her what she means to you, any dreams you've had for her, well wishes and just a little about yourself. Kids are very curious and forgiving at a young age...so, with a little explination she should be receptive (like most 5 year olds are). I would avoid, however, gruesome details or negativity towards her birthmother...those are things that she needs to decide on for herself when she's old enough, and they can backfire on you (especially if she doesn't have contact with her birthmom). Just focus on the positives between you and her, tell the truth and make it personal.

I hope I could help, I've had some experience writing to my birthdaughter, my "adopted birthson" (her older brother from another uninvolved birthmom) and I've had years and years of work with kids...hope some of this can help you with that big first step. Hugs to you for doing it.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-16-2005, 08:35 PM
lilifelover lilifelover is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 375
Total Points: 8,579.96
Donate
sorry, I didn't read the responses till after I posted...so some of this stuff has already been discussed...
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-31-2005, 10:21 AM
monmon's Avatar
monmon monmon is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 13
Total Points: 2,199.00
Donate
Wow Dad, when I first read your post, I could swear you were talking of our adopted dd, but from her birth mother's perspective.

Unfortunatly, her mother has NEVER made any indications that she wanted contact again or letters, pictures, etc. (even though it is no access). She was charged for fail to protect and convicted of it. It is nice to hear that others in similar positions as her are actually intent on letting their children know it was NOT THEIR CHILD'S FAULT they were abused and are still loved. Our dd always was made to beleive it was her fault. She still tells me that *** hit her because she was bad. Many years of councilling is ahead of her, but for her to hear from you that this is not the case and she is loved is very important. Our dd too was removed at 2.5 and is now 5.

I pray your daughter finds peace in herself to know it was not her fault. Keep up the letters, as this will make the world of difference for her.
__________________
Monica
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-31-2005, 04:36 PM
lilifelover lilifelover is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 375
Total Points: 8,579.96
Donate
Monica, if it's closed how could she possibly indicate that she would like to know about her daughter? Of course you've never heard anything...cause there's no open line of communication....
So, that would be why. It don't have to be a lack of interest on their part any more than it is on yours...if you don't have contact for the safety of your child (by court order) then more power to you, but if you want to tell everyone the birthmother isn't interested at all then be sure! Maybe you'll be surprised...and maybe she's changed...then again, maybe not. If she has then you could possibly get a letter (or visit) from her assuring your daughter that it was never her fault and that she is loved by all members of the adoption triad.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-01-2005, 08:15 AM
monmon's Avatar
monmon monmon is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 13
Total Points: 2,199.00
Donate
lilifelover,


As my dd was adopted through CAS it is a close adoption.

Even though, her social worker has tried to remain in contact with her bmother for pictures, letters, etc. that K could have. The bmother so far has indicated she wants nothing to do with her. So, we are very sure that she wants no contact. Just last week, our SW tried to get at least some baby pictures from her bmom or bgrandmom and was meet with hostility. I wish this was not the case, as we have nothing, not even pictures of the bmom or family to show K.

We are not aloud to send pictures, etc. at the moment, but we can definatly receive them.

I hope this will change.
__________________
Monica
Reply With Quote
Reply

« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Points Per Thread View: 1.00
Points Per Thread: 15.00
Points Per Reply: 5.00


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:38 PM.