[Sabra]

Hello Everyone:

The following comment is not posted to indicate any type of disrespect to any adoptive family. The comment relates to part of what some call one of the possible realities of adoption. It is not a judgemental comment or mean't to put anyone down or to feel badly or to hurt feelings. It is for discussion purposes to read about adoptive parents current feelings and to learn how adoptive families embrace the differences that a special family formed through adoption lives with.

Please let us know what you think of this comment?

Adoptive families are different, not deficient, just different. When these differences are acknowledged and accepted, embraced, recognized, adopted children deal more successfully with the psychological effects of those differences.

Please post your thoughts in a caring, respectful way.

Thank you so much. Again I hope that this type of discussion helps not hurts.

As we discuss topics that are sensitive let's please be be supportive and kind to one another.

Thanks again.

[Linny]

You know.......when I typed the first sentence of this post, I was going to say that this applied in our family only to our older child adoptions. However, we have also adopted internationally and transracially.....and, I guess, I'd have to admit that in some form or another....the comment applies in our family across the board.

I would add though, that in adopting our older kids.......it was not until we realized that the bond would not be the same as with the infant adoptions; that we could more fully understand them as our children. There are 'confusing' and 'understood' days, so to speak.


As far as the international and transracial adoptions (and these have been the infant adoptions as well)......I'd have to say that the 'differences' have been joyful. They have brought about MORE (emphasis only) of a bond and sense of family. It is these differences that we embrace. Whether this is solely because of the difference in race, country or being an infant at adoption.....I'm not sure.

Also, in my observations, I would add, that families who are proud of adoption, that try to instill a pride in their children who are adopted.......seem to be the 'most together' families with the better well-adjusted kids. Those families who 'hide' the adoption......get all bent out of shape about politely asked questions.......who unconsciously consider adoption as a 'second choice'.....seem to have the children who feel empty and unfulfilled as adults

......Just our experiences.



Sincerely,

Linny

[MomTo1]

"Adoptive families are different, not deficient, just different. When these differences are acknowledged and accepted, embraced, recognized, adopted children deal more successfully with the psychological effects of those differences."


I don't know how I feel about this statement. All families are created differently. Step-parent families are differenet with different aspects, children of divorce are different, children living with grandparents are different, adoption is different. In each situation, we all have different issue's to deal with. I don't know if I like the first part of the statement in a broad sense because I feel each family is different.

Are adopted families different then anothers, sure, but so our other aspects such as religion, economical level, and values and perceptions. Different is not deficient, I know but when you say different I think you measure it up against a norm. What is that norm?


I do like the second sentence. I do acknowledge we have different issue's and we should embrace and reconogize those issue's in order to deal with them more successfully?

Good question to ask.... and ponder.....and discuss.....

[HappyTwinsMom]

Adoptive families are different, not deficient, just different. When these differences are acknowledged and accepted, embraced, recognized, adopted children deal more successfully with the psychological effects of those differences.

I would say that I agree with this statement and that I agree with MomTo1 in that all families are different...for different reasons. I believe it is important to acknowledge and embrace the things that make our families different, just as it is important to acknowledge and embrace that which make each person an individual. Whether it's race, religion, socioeconomic level, or having been adopted, if we allow for differences, we will all be better adjusted and deal more successfully with life on the whole.

I do think it's unfortunate, in today's climate of the ever-changing definition of family (e.g., same-sex relationships, stepfamilies, etc.), that so much emphasis is placed on someone having been adopted. Being adopted is how my daughters joined our family. That fact does not define them as human beings any more than their being born in another state defines them.

I'm not sure if I'm making my point very clearly, but let me say this: We are very honest and open with our children (who are only 2 years old at this point) about their adoption. We talk openly about their birthmother with great respect and love. We will make sure they understand that their relationship with her is theirs ...not ours. They will be free to choose how they integrate their adoption story into their lives...with our help as their parents, of course.

Interesting question, Sabra. Thanks for bringing it up. I hope it generates much thoughtful discussion.

[dl]

"Adoptive families are different, not deficient, just different. When these differences are acknowledged and accepted, embraced, recognized, adopted children deal more successfully with the psychological effects of those differences."

I would ask, different from whom or what? As MomTo1 asked, "What is that norm?" I also agree with HappyTwins Mom's comment that "it's unfortunate. . .that so much emphasis is placed on someone having been adopted."

Being adopted is something that I have always known. I never felt "different" and never felt my family was "different". My family was as "normal" as any of my friend's families. Being adopted was completely "acknowledged and accepted" but it was not focused on. It did not define me as an individual nor did it define my family. It was how I became my parents daughter. I was never referred to as an "adopted daughter", I was their "daughter" and they were "my parents" and we were a "family" .

I think it's sad that currently the media is stating "adopted child" as if that makes a difference. The coverage of Bob Hope's death is an example. His "children" are in their sixties and have been "Hope children" all their lives, yet they were repeatedly referred to as "his adopted children" in the news coverage in a way that seemed to infer less than or "different".

[spaypets]

As a bit of a grammarian, I'm with dlouis in asking different from what. In fact, I agree with the other posters too.

I also don't like the assumption implied in "not deficient." Not everyone looks as adoption as second best, last resort or odd, so to include that assumption only looks as if you are protesting too much.

I say this because not one person in my family or extended circle ever even accidentally implied that our adoption was anything but a joyous event.

I agree with the sentiments about being honest and forthcoming and embracing the differences.

[faith_amom]

I agree w/everything already said. Like spaypets, I, too, was a little taken aback by the "not deficient" statement. I would change it to "not better or worse."

- Faith

[Opus]

Dlouis,

I agree with you on the overuse in the media of the term "adopted child". Unless it is directly tied to the topic of the story, it's use is definately inappropriate.

Remember when George Burns died at the ripe old age of 100? They referred to his 71 yo adopted son being by his bedside. 71 and still the adopted son - yikes!

By definition, adoption is not a life long condition. Just as you are born into a family only once, you come into a family only once through adoption.

Tim

[JoanneFromNYC]

All families are different....show me two that are the same!!

[HappyMomAnna]

Originally posted by Sabra
Adoptive families are different, not deficient, just different. When these differences are acknowledged and accepted, embraced, recognized, adopted children deal more successfully with the psychological effects of those differences.

Adoptive families are different and our children need to be prepared for the remarks, opinions and ignorance they may encounter during thier lives.... By recognizing, embracing and accepting the facts that our families are formed differently our children will deal better with these differences.
My adoptive daughter loves to tease her older sister, my birthdaughter by saying, "I am specialer because mommy got to pick me."
Everyone in an adoptive family needs to work together to make a whole family and each person needs to feel good about how they became part of the family.

[rahulsmom]

I'm not too sure whether I agree with the first part of this comment. All families are different, and does the fact that DH is adopted, my mom is adopted, and my grand dad adopted, in addition to my son being adopted make us more different than a family that has just adopted a child? Or does it make us less different - there's nothing new in being adopted here?

For the second half, that DH was adopted was not entirely "acknowledged and accepted, embraced, recognized" until recently and yet he turned out pretty well. For my son, it would be the other way round - we fully intend to "acknowledge and accept, embrace, recognize" that he is adopted, and yet we will have to wait and see how he turns out. Which will be just our experience and not the litmus test of the second statement....

In my opinion, I kinda echo dlouis's thoughts. Being adopted needs to be acknowledged, but a family touched by adoption is no different from any other family - we all have our fair shares of ups and downs, joys and sorrows - kids will be kids, bio or not...

My 2 cents...

[Shai's Mom]

My immediate family consists of my husband, myself and our son. We love him, we care for him, we want the best for him. There is no difference to a "traditional" family and I certainly can't see anything deficient.

We have the added responsibility to let our son grow into the knowledge and understanding of his adoption, but that's part of parenting him.

Adoptive families are just that: families. Parents raising children. No more, no less.

Every child is an individual, has his/her own issues as they're growing up. It doesn't matter if he's adopted or not. Parents have to provide guidance in accordance with their child's needs.

[Missy M]

Originally posted by Sabra


Please let us know what you think of this comment?

Adoptive families are different, not deficient, just different. When these differences are acknowledged and accepted, embraced, recognized, adopted children deal more successfully with the psychological effects of those differences.

I agree more with the posted comments than with the above statement if thats at all possible....maybe if the above began with "Adoptive families were formed differently;" I'd better accept it; however the way it reads now makes it just seem to imply a degree of abnormality; very very "of out of the norm" when the word "different" is involved. It needs elaboration, as it is now it sounds negative and I have an issue with that. Let me try and explain.....What would happen here if you substituted the words "Black families" or "Mexican families" for Adoptive families? My question would then become different from what? Its as if there is a family to be measured by...what are the standards that would mark an a-family as different? No matter how you phrase it when the word different is involved it still implies less than, not as good as, and since all families are different its why single out adoptive families?
I totally disagree with the blamket statement in the second sentence. Of course its possible to say that SOME or MOST adopted children deal more successfully .....but certainly not all. My daughter wasn't told she was adopted until she was 25, so there were no apparent "psychological effects" to deal with successfully as she didn't know she was "different" or in a "different family."
On the other hand I know adoptee's in our support group who claim to have been adversely affected by all the attention placed on the fact that they were adopted. It was the FOCUS on it that they hated. They state that if it wasn't a "big deal" why make it a matter to be embraced? Its kinda like the celebraties mentioned in this thread who are being referred to as adopted kids 70 years later.
All in all its a very thought provoking question and I am taking it to my support group next week.....Missy M
dlouis Rocks....so wise!

[Missy M]

Originally posted by HappyMomAnna
Adoptive families are different and our children need to be prepared for the remarks, opinions and ignorance they may encounter during thier lives.... By recognizing, embracing and accepting the facts that our families are formed differently our children will deal better with these differences.
My adoptive daughter loves to tease her older sister, my birthdaughter by saying, "I am specialer because mommy got to pick me."
Everyone in an adoptive family needs to work together to make a whole family and each person needs to feel good about how they became part of the family.

Anna...I as the mother with 3 bi-racial kids AND a reunited b-daughter certainly understand a *different* family structure. My D/H and I are of different races, my placed daughter is of "my " race as she is his step child born before we were married; she also happens to be my second daughter , the oldest is his also born before we married and was kept ( a whole 'nother story) so I can relate to *difference*. I understand your post simply because you used the term "are FORMED differently" thats the extent of our family being different. Besides its formation our family is no different than the other families on the block......we have the same issues, joys, celebrations, math problems, favorite foods , laundry, and eletric bills that everyone else does. We just have to buy seperate hair care products. LOL>>>>Missy M

[leagh]

I personally think it would be nice if the word "adopted" could be taken out of everyone's vocubulary. I know once adopted - always adopted, but I almost feel like I have to wear a sign on my shirt to indicate that I was adopted...I guarantee someone's going to remind me sooner or later. I by no means am ashamed of being adopted!! I couldn't be any more blessed, but why does it "stick" on everyone? It's almost like introducing your "half" brother or sister as "My half brother..." Please!! Family is family! Regardless of color, blood, whatever!! I recently buried my father, and I had 3 people "remind" me during the funeral that I was adopted. They said, "Your **'s adopted daughter, right?" I politely commented, "No! I'm his only daughter!" When will people get some manners? (Thanks for letting me vent!)