[rahulsmom]

Just wondering - how do you handle those well meaning but utterly annoying people (nosey parkers, in my books) you come across who say - oh you should have waited you would have got your own child - or enquire about your fertility status?

My adopted son is my OWN son and my fertility status is none of anybody's business. A little new to being an adoptive mom, maybe down the line I will get used to this but would appreciate some pointers from those who have been there, seen that, done this...

[wanttobeparents]

When people tell me I should have continued fertility treatments, I look at them with an incredulous look on my face and reply, "Now why would I want to go through all that for a small chance of a pregnancy, much less a live baby when I have this perfect child who IS all my own?"

For really persistant people, I tell them I had a hysterectomy (I haven't) and that usually shuts them up permanently.

Peggy

[tobeafamily]

I just smile and say 'because God wanted us to raise this beautiful little boy'.

Regina

[Linny]

I just look at them and say, "Oh no, adoption is where we wanted to be! ALL of my kids are adopted, and that's the way we wanted it!!!!!"

(I've never had the infertility stuff.....we always wanted to adopt.......but I HAVE had the 'oh gee, wouldn't you want one of your own' junk.)

I also think, with this comment, you let your child/children know that you think adoption is a great thing, and that they are beyond special by being adopted.


Sincerely,

Linny

[faith_amom]

I LOVE Regina's response!!

Here is how I would handle the comments:

(1) oh you should have waited you would have got your own child

"And lose out on being the mother to the BEST kid in the world?? Are you kidding me?? I couldn't have MADE a better kid."

(2) or enquire about your fertility status?

"If it hasn't happened in seven years, I think it's safe to say that it ain't gonna happen."

What's important is not WHAT you say but your demeanor in how you handle it. First of all, it is VERY important that you react w/full confidence in your decision, especially if the comment is made in front of your child. You are setting the tone for how he/she will handle nosey comments in the future. And, if you show how positively you view the adoption, most people will follow suit. Only real jerks are going to go down the "don't you have regrets" road when you are so clearly in love w/your kid.

- Faith

[sweetnoodle]

Hey, don't think you will ever get used to comments like that, because you shouldn't . . . because comments like that are downright rude and obnoxious and, sorry, IGNORANT. It's just pure ignorance, so, the others are right; educate the person in whatever way possible!

Most sincerely

[Dolphins1]

I am new to the group. I find it interesting when some people learn of our adoption plans and proceed to ask, with their voice 3 octaves higher, if our child is also adopted.

Best wishes to all

[rahulsmom]

for your thoughts. Regina, really liked your response, and Linny and Faith yours too.

Yep, Nancy - these ignorant comments make me see red - I guess there is a biological drive to procreate but I dont see why I should spend loads on fertility treatments (though am pretty sure I could have a baby if I wanted to) - when there are such beautiful loving babies in need of homes.

I wish these labels could be done away with - to me "adopted" and "biological" both add up to beautiful children that just have to be loved...

Thanks all - really is great to hear your thoughts

Karen

[mrs62098]

I'm a new adoptive mom to a 2-week old boy and I'm getting lots of "wow .... you look great!" from strangers. I'm still working on a good response to these comments (any suggestions would be much appreciated!).

Last week, a store clerk commented on me "losing my weight so quickly", I smiled and said that I had adopted my son. She responded with, "really? wow ... that must have cost you a pretty penny."

I was shocked! How rude!

I just replied with a gentle smile (or was it gritted teeth?) and a "worth every cent, don't you agree?" and walked away.

Talk about taking the wind out of my sail!

Now I just go along with it and say thank you to folks who say I look good ... although it feels awkward. Anyone else feel that way? How do you respond?

[cathy102]

When we adopted our daughter as a newborn..We had to stay in CA for 3 weeks. I would get people all the time that said, Wow, you lost all your weight. ..I would just say thank you. It did feel weird to say that but I was a new mom and really didn't know what else to say..

Now then people look at us (we are both Caucasian and our daughter is Multiracial) we do get some bad looks. One lady a few months ago looked at me and then my daughter and was shaking her head..She was old and I guess she thought I was married to a mixed race man, which is fine with me. I looked at her and said, what are you looking at and then kissed my daughter..There are so many rude people out there. I am so proud to be a mom to my daughter..

I have had people asked why we adopted and not tried on our own!!! I say, Geez!!! you try 2 IVF's and see how much you love it!! They tell me I just need to relax!!!! Ya right!!! Relax!!

Cathy

[stacyone]

My favorite answer is a big smile and the words, "What an interesting question... why do you ask?" Most people are just being nosy and will get embarrassed at that point. However, there are people who are genuinely interested in adoption and will say, "Oh, my _____ (daughter, brother, secretary) is considering adopting and I was wondering about ______" Then you get to educate the people who have a legitimate interest.

[Sarah'smommy]

I had a friend's mother ask me if I loved my dd as much as a bio. child? Isn't that dumb?

[mrs62098]

I had a similar comment over the weekend:

At my son's Baby Shower, my aunt said, "You're going to love this child like he's your own". "He IS my own" was my reply - along with my *smile*.

I know she didn't mean it that way, but then she went on to say, "you know you'll get pregnant now that you've adopted don't you?".

That's another popular comment among folks. It's as if adoption is a "cure" for infertility.

[Keana]

Risking an onslaught of different opinions, I do have to ask, only because I'm new at this, very confused, and really want to do the right thing.

I wholeheartedly agree, that when we adopt, they are OUR children, Period. Insenstive, crass, rude or hungry for foot people, can take a hike with a kite.

BUT! It almost feels like an oxymoron when there is so much advice in telling our children they are adopted. "11 months old is not too early".

Is there a delicate balance that aparent have found? Any secrets?

Keana

[spaypets]

The difference is that your family's business is private and you shouldn't have to discuss it with the world.

However, your child's adoptive status is his/her story and the child should be dealt with honestly right from the start. Just in the same way parents tell their bio children about the day they were born, so should children who were adopted be told their history. How his birthparents couldn't take care of any baby, how they searched for a family who could. How excited mommy and daddy were when they were chosen.


But that information is private--not secret--private and shouldn't be shared with the world at large.