[MaggieMay06]

The questions raised and answered on this thread are a big part of why I joined this forum in the first place. I am a very sensitive and sometimes sarcastic person by nature. When people ask rude or inappropriate questions, I struggle with my responses. It can be VERY difficult to not be sarcastic. I am trying very hard to learn how to respond politley while still making my point clear. How I respond to these people is how my A-son will learn to respond to them. Sarcastic and shut-down responses were fine in the beginning, but now he's 19 months old now & understands so much of what is going on around him --- I really need to be careful with how I answer.

Originally Posted by spaypets

The difference is that your family's business is private and you shouldn't have to discuss it with the world.

However, your child's adoptive status is his/her story and the child should be dealt with honestly right from the start. Just in the same way parents tell their bio children about the day they were born, so should children who were adopted be told their history. How his birthparents couldn't take care of any baby, how they searched for a family who could. How excited mommy and daddy were when they were chosen.


But that information is private--not secret--private and shouldn't be shared with the world at large.

I whole heartedly agree with this post. How do you do it? How do you balance living an open adoption, being honest, yet maintaining privacy so that the adopted child can tell his/her own story? I feel like I'm the rope in a wild game of tug-of-war.

[Hipi]

This subject brings up a good point... I just don't think there is much education out there about adoptions. There is no protocol, because there is no general education about it. Really, unless you know someone who is adopted, has adopted, you've adopted or are thinking about it, what information is there out in the public about it? Not much.

That's not to say that there aren't jerks out there. I do believe people make rude or stupid comments because they have no idea how to handle this situation. And I think it's because there is a lack of education out there.

I wonder if there is something people can do to educate the public about adoption. That way maybe there will be less ignorance out there. Any thoughts?

[ourdreamcametru]

We've never really gotten the why response. The one that bugs me the most is when I see somebody and tell them we have children ages 17,13 and 3. Their response is always God bless you, was it a mistake!!! We even had a lady respone the other night while out to dinner, "is her name surprise?" WHAT????? My response it that we adopted because we wanted three children chose to add to our family in this way> if they say God bless you I say "He already has!"

[zempagirl]

What I hate is when people say do you still let the bmom see your son. I say we get along and we love seeing her and people just look at me weird or say I couldn't imagine seeing her and having that arrangement. I say I guess you would have to be in my shoes and know her to understand. I think people have misconceptions of domestic adoptions from the 20/20 or Dateline shows that show the negative aspects of adoption. I think education about adoptions are needed. In all cases I try to educate others and tell them all the aspects of what our adoption has been.

[InHisRest]

I agree with faith- In all honesty I do not believe that I could have had a child as great as my blessing. As an adoptive parent "You Chose" and to be honest I truly don't believe that non-adoptive parents will ever understand the feeling of Joy that we experience. As one person said "Ignorance can be overcome, but stupidity is forever." Some people just don't get and never will. As a Christian when Christ leads me to do certain things and other ppl just don't understand, scripture says those who don't have the spirit don't understand the spirit. Take it for what it is. Your Blessing and Your understanding no one else really matters! Stay strong~
D

"Be A Vertical Thinker"

[Momto1human-2furry]

I initially had those. I was told "now i will have my own" or WHY did you adopt". Gosh i can't remember how i handled it. But it had pissed me off a great deal then and i had answered sarcastically. "Adoption is not a cure for infertility. Only 2% are those people who conceive after adoption and are always talked about like it happens all the time.
Why i adopted ? WHY NOT ??

These are just a few of the BULL %$& questions i was subjected to. I had some very distant relation wanting to know details of the Birth mom Gosh! can't people just respect privacy.

[marythemom]

It's a bit different when you suddenly have 4 children instead of 2. We also adopted children older than our biochildren.

I get more stares and comments though when my 5'9" 190lb, 15 year old (who looks 17 or 18) calls me Mom. I look very young for my age and most of the comments and stares I get are from people who can't believe I have 4 kids (most of which are big for their age). Most of the time, I can head off nosy questions by trying to get them to guess which 2 are adopted! I had to adopt to get a brown haired, brown eyed child like me (so much for dominant traits). Most people guess wrong. My kids are usually very spacy and pay no attention to adults so I don't worry too much about them being hurt by comments. Plus, they know they are adopted.

I get a little tired of the "You guys are saints, I could never do that..." comments, but I like educating people about adoption.

My biggest thing is that I like connecting with other adoptive parents. Sometimes I see families with children that look adopted, and I just want to say something to them, but have never thought of an appropriate way to bring it up. Is that just as rude?

[LAJoy2008]

Ugh! I know what you mean. My best friend used to tell me to keep trying, that her husband was declared unable to father a child and that they have had 3 beautiful, healthy boys. Good for them. But after 5 years of trying (the old fashioned way) & 1 round of IVF (with ICSI-when you really need science b/c without it there would be no fighting chance) we decided to adopt. Now it's not so much that they ask me why we didn't keep trying, rather they ask all kinds of questions about details of the adoption (independent/open, etc). I am tired of rehashing the details, especially to strangers who really need not know that it was an open adoption and the amount of contact/or not we are going to have with the birth mom. (Because they will certainly have an opinion about that too). Ugh! I need to come up with a quick answer to the adoption question. Or perhaps not even tell anyone that he is adopted anymore. I mean, what difference does it make? He is our son!!!!! And we will love him just the same.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Jensboys]

I recently wrote about this on my blog ... A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense: Three Types of People after a particularly frustrating experience with someone who insisted on asking inappropriate questions (personal ones) in front of my kids (now ages 12 and 13).

Three Types of People
Imagine for a moment that you have a facial disability. A scar, a deformity, a birth mark? Maybe it was caused by an accident, maybe its a birth defect, but either way its a visible difference that everyone sees the minute they meet you. It can't be covered with makeup or wearing a hat, and really, you don't want it to be. You might be different than other people, or at least look different, but that's just fine with you.

You find, however, that there are three distinct ways people react when meeting you.

The first group we will call The Happily Indifferent. The T.H.I. meet you and notice your difference and then in a space of around 5 seconds think "oh a facial difference. Cool." and move on. They are neither emotionally vested in your face nor personally affected by it. Some might make a passing comment about it but to them, its not important or relevant. You might look different but are still normal and they treat you as such. You find this group easy to deal with and they don't affect your self esteem in any negative way. You don't share personal information with them about your disability, but that's ok because they really aren't interested in it anyways. You find that most children and 98% of men fit into this category.

The second group we will call The Supportive Set. T. S.S.'ers understand that life is more challenging with your disability. Often they are personally connected in some way and have taken the time to educate themselves about what life is like with a facial deformity. Mostly this group is comprised of your closest friends and family, but sometimes strangers fit in to it. They might approach you at the grocery store and gently say something like, "I have spent time at Facial Diffrence Hospital too, some days are hard, aren't they?" or "I am genuinely interested in understanding Facial Differences, would you mind sharing some generalities". T.S.S.ers know not to pry for your personal information. The reason why your face is deformed. How this has affected your life. They know, when you trust them, you will share those reasons. They respect you. They respect your privacy. They instinctively know your boundaries. These people are your "safe" people. The ones you trust. The ones you cry with and share with. These are the people that make life worth living.

The third group we will call The Nosy Wenches. T.N.W.'ers and their questions make you want to throw acid in their faces and stab their eyes out with little tiny sharpened pencils. You don't. But boy do you have fun imagining it some days. T.N.W.'ers see you not as a person but as a deformity. They pry. They prod. They offer unsolicited advice because their sister's cousin's son has a club foot and they obviously know ALOT about your facial issues. They ask intimate and personal questions in public places. They feel entitled to know the why's, the how's and the happenings of your history because you do not fit their idea of normal, and as such aren't entitled to any privacy. They think you should be willing to discuss your personal life no matter where you are or what you are doing because you are differerent, and they are curious. They do not respect you, or your personhood. When you try to protect yourself and your privacy by not answering their questions, they are offended. Hurt that you DARE not understand that they "just want to know". You become the benchmark by which they judge all future interactions with people with your disability. So some days you grit your teeth, smiley nicely and answer their questions. Other days you do not have the strength. You find that almost 100% of the T.N.W.s are women. "Nice" women who use politeness to hide their biting comments and morbid curiousity.

Now imagine for a moment that its not YOU with that disability, but rather your child. You smile and breathe a sigh of relief every time your child interacts with The Happily Indifferent. You cling to The Supportive Set and surround your family with safe people. Now imagine being the mother when you have to constantly protect your child from The Nosy Wenches. How you are judged if you don't protect your child from their rude questions, but also judged if you DO protect your child from having their privacy violated just because they are "different". You face questions like "Wow what did you do to cause that?" or "Does that mean they can't talk" or "You are such an angel to keep a child who looks like THAT around". Your child hears themselves discussed by strangers as if they are unable to understand, despite the fact they are close by.

Now obviously, the vast majority of my readers would understand that questions about a physical disability of a personal nature are rude. Inappropriate and completely unnecessary. A good mother protects her children from the nosy wenches. A good mother surrounds her children with supportive people.

Now imagine for a moment being a transracial adoptive family. Obviously, being a minority is not a "birth defect" or a "deformity" and I by NO MEANS am implying that, but what I am doing is hoping that people begin to think and understand. Being visibly different in ANY way does not automatically mean all rights to privacy are sacrificed to fulfill curiousities. If your child was missing an eye, I would hope you wouldn't feel it necessary to tell me it was caused by your prenatal drinking binge because I am standing behind you in line at the grocery store and am curious. I would hope that OTHERS wouldn't think it necessary for you to answer that question if I asked it of you (ESPECIALLY in front of your child) just because I wanted to know.

If you dont get that basic privacy rights are still held by the minorities of our society - By the different, By the visible - you have some learning to do.

[InHisRest]

I dealt with the same thing, finding myself telling folks he is adopted and hearing the same questions. I just stopped telling ppl. B/c frankly, he is our son and God blessed us with him and it is no one else's business. They can join in on the blessing and invited comments, but stay in control of the conversation. I have learned the hard way, one man's curiosity is another's gossip. Everyone doesn't need to know.
God Bless~

[Mikosmommy]

My all time favorite: a little old lady comes up to me and my hisp/AA daughter (I'm cauc.) in Walmart (where else?) and says "what a cute baby...does she favor you or her father?" to which I thought for a moment and said "I really don't know who she favors because I don't know who the father is". Which is factually true. I thought she might have a stroke right there. Anyhow, back in 2003, when I first posted to this thread I had just my daughter. This year we were blessed with a beautiful son (AA). Now then of course she's almost 5 1/2 years old so I've toned it down a lot. I've never been one to suffer bad manners & stupidity but I am trying to set a good example for my kids. So the answer (or lack thereof) changes as time goes by. In my experience, people seem to have enough sense to not ask questions like that when the older child is standing right there. The dumbest questions always came when she was an infant and presumably too oblivious for it to have an impact.

[DeNaJa]

Ha ha ha!!!! That is priceless! My daughter is multi-racial (Cau, AA, & NA)...she looks like a darker version of her birth mom...unknown BF as it was unconsentual. Anyway, when she was a baby, everyone said she looked like her daddy...my husband...which must be because I am gastly pale w/ very straight hair. Once a woman said, "she looks just like you"...I about choked. (it was a 1st to have anyone say we looked even remotely alike) She looks nothing like me! LOL!!!! But I thanked her warmly. I get strange questions...once a woman who found out our daughter was adopted, marched up & asked, "so was she a drug baby? was her mom on drugs?" Uh, no. Also, since my daughter's BF is unknown due to a situation of rape, I was questioned about her genetics. She is special needs & we were sent to various specialists who ran a battery of tests, including 2 different sets of genetic tests. We have info on her birth mom & medical info of her pregnancy & delivery. Now, specialists have determined my daughter has medical issues due to an attempted abortion at 20 wks where a doctor began the dilation process to perform a D&E...all genetic tests were negative...one doc even said to ME with HER present..."It isn't a problem that they were doing a 2nd trimester abortion. It is that they didn't complete it. Stunned & insulted beyond comprehension, I replied, "Well, I'd rather she be delayed than dead." And we left...never went back. Anyway, the person who was overly concerned about the details of her genetic paternity went on to say "I'm a big believer in genetics. My ex-wife & I are of good stock & our kids are of good stock. My grandkids have good genes." And what...my kid DOESN'T have "good genes"? Thanks, Hitler. I thought we were a little farther past that eugenics garbage. This is the same mentality that caised my daughter's birth mom to consent to the abortion. The clinic counselors told her "no one will want a bi-racial rapist's baby"...that because the baby is 1)bi-racial & 2)has a gentic link to a rapist, then no one will want it...as if this baby will be born & will be a mini-rapist! Sigh. Yeah, I'm sure NURTURE has nothing to do with it. Sad.

[jalapeno]

Jensboys - Really powerful essay. Thank you so much for sharing it!

[Jensboys]

Thanks

I wanted to comment on the person who said that comments come less as the child gets older and say to a CERTAIN extent that is true, but it isnt completely true. My boys are now 12 and 13 - taller than me. My 13 year old is a BIG kid - looks much older than 13. We have incidents AT LEAST once a week where people ask inappropriate questions of me in front of the kids. I KNOW he doesn't always share with me what he gets asked at school.

We get less "pats on the head" now, and less "how long have you had thems" but we still get racially based questions ...

"Are they REALLY brothers?"
"Where are they FROM" *because remember if you aren't white you arent FROM here and must be FROM somewhere else

The kicker was "what language do they speak?" THIS question from someone who was just introduced and carried on a conversation with all of us (including the boys).

Idiots don't go away and being an advocate (and a privacy advocate) for your kids is HUGELY important, no matter what their age.

[catmommy]

Rude person: How come you couldn't have real children.

A: What do you think she is, imaginary?

Q: No, how come you had to adopt?

A: No one held a gun to my head and made me do it

Q: No, no, how come you couldn't have children of your own?

A: Who do you think she belongs to, the neighbors?

Q: No, how come you weren't able to give conceive and give birth?

A: When is the last time you masturbated? OR What makes you think I couldn't? OR Why is that any of your business?

Q: Does it bother you to have a child that doesn't look like you?

A: I am just grateful she doesn't look like you.

Q: Well, are they real brother and sister?

A: No they are wooden puppets.

Q: She so lucky to have you.

A: Actually, she's lucky that she didn't end up with a parent as ignorant as you.

Q: Why didn't her real parents want her?

A: How dare you suggest we don't want her!

Q: No, I mean why didn't her birth parents want her?

A: How dare you suggest they didn't!

Q: Well, then why did they place her for adoption?

A: Why is that any of your business?

.................................................. .....................

Rude person: Is he your real child?

Cat daddy: Are those your real breasts?