[DeNaJa]

In the year and a half since we adopted our daughter, we have gotten odd questions and side comments too. We have 2 bio kids. My bio and adopted daughters are 6 months apart. I of course get "are they twins"...but one is a pale, blue eyed blond and the other a richer toned, green eyed wavy brunette! Then they correct themselves "oh no, they can't be twins! Are they both yours?" Many people think I just am babysititng and hauling someone elses kids around to the grocery store! LOL! I jsut say, "Yes, they are all mine." Then when they ask their ages, I tell them and watch them do the math. Some struggle with DYING to ask how they can be 6 month apart (I tell them I have Magical Powers and smile) or they cannot stand it and have to ask! This is kinda fun. I am open and honest because I don't think most people are trying to be offensive, they just are curious and don't know how to word things. Many have not had this situation come up so they don't know how to phrase things in a non-offensive way. I think it helps to lovingly correct their terminology so they don't go on to insult others. My husband was asked rudely "why would you wnat to go and adopt all those kids?!?" I am amazed he didn't lose it! She, a total stranger, asked this loudly in front of a room full of total strangers. RUDE! He totld a little of our story and made her look heartless and the crowd was giving ehr the evil eye by the end of the story and congratulating him on his beautiful daughter! My DH and I are caucasion as are our bio kids (duh), but our youngest is bi-racial...she is very light however and no one suspects it. However, we do have some relatives and friends who do know and they often bring it up with comments that rub me COMPLETELY the wrong way...like EVERYTIME they see her, they comment on her coloring! How light she is, how she doesn't lokk bi-racial, how no one can really tell, or she seems to have gotten darker, bi-racial people are the prettiest people....just look at Halle Berry, are you going to tell her she is bi-racial, gee, you can't tell she is half-black! etc... It is sooooooo infuritating that they make this such an issue! We could care less about her race. I have a hodge podge in my heritage as does my DH and all our kids. Who cares!?! I don't want people talking about this to her or around her making her think she has something wrong with her or that she is odd in some way...particularly since she is just a baby and doesn't understand what is happening. And my oldest may catch on and I don't think it is anyone eleses place to discuss my children that way...we have not even discussed it with them becuase they are too young. Why can't they just say she is a beautiful baby...not a "beautiful for a half-black baby"! We knew she was bi-racial before her birth. We didn't care. She could be the lightest or the darkest...it just doesn't matter! Most of the people who talk like this are outdated in their feelings towards different races anyway...but they are fast learning to keep their opinions on that subject to themselves around ME...the Mama Bear!

I think it is fun to ge the "she looks just like her daddy!" comments! I ususally answer "yes she does, doesn't she! I get that all the time!" This week I got, for the 1st time, "she looks just like you!" I thanked the woman with a smile.

[skootinalong2]

The cute little elderly woman next door to us thinks I am a tramp. I have 4 kids 25, 22, 14 and 2. My DD, her DH and 2 year old son live with us. We do foster care. We are LG of our 14 yr old and the 2 yr old is our ason. Our 14 yr old has a different last name and does our DD because she is married. Our neighbor is dying to know why we have 3 different last names at our house. She has asked if A was our son. We say yes. I tell my DH that some day I am just going to tell her I sleep around. LOL. I guess I shouldn't be so secretive about it with her but she is just too nosey. We now have a 7 wk old fdaughter. You should have seen her face when she saw me get out of the car with her.

[joby]

When we've talked to people about adopting, we get a huge flurry of responses, as they seem to reserve special ignorance about foster kids. "Isn't he lucky that you want him?" "What did he do to end up in foster care?" etc...etc... it never ends.

My favorite, " We're the lucky ones. He's allowing us to be his parents! What a precious gift he's giving us! Did your child have a choice?" or my standard "Children end up in foster care because the adults in their worlds didn't know right from wrong, good from bad, appropriate from INAPPROPRIATE."

Of ocurse, it isn't 100% true in all cases, but it certainly makes a point, and they usually try a different approach to the conversation if they can getpast the bruised ego blocking their vocal chords.

J.

[DeNaJa]

When we adopted our daughter, we would get a VERY upsetting and frustrating response by some. We have 2 bio-kids and they would ask how it was that we could adopt our daughter when we already had our"own kids" and so many other couples have been lanquishing away on a list somewhere waiting for the chance to adopt...don't we think we should give her to one of those poor couples? Um, NO. She is our DAUGHTER not our dog! We fell in love with her before she was even born. Her birth mother asked us to raise the baby. What, if you give birth you are not allowed to adopt? I think the problem is that we got her as an infant and it seems EVERYONE knows someone who is trying to adopt and many wnat an infant and have been waiting for an infant and we "magically" got one. They seem to think it is some how wrong and we didn't "pay our dues" by waiting and besides, we have bio kids so we are some how exempt from being able to adopt an infant...and older shild maybe, but not an infant...infants are suppose to go to infertile couples. As upsetting as these comments are, I know they just do not understand the specifics of our adoption. I would love help with a good comeback for this one! I don't get it so much anymore now that she is no longer and infant, but I am sure I am not the only one who has heard such ridiculous comments.

Oh, and does anyone have a comeback for those who think they need to tell you adoption horror stories the second they hear you are an aparent...as if you need more to worry about? I get the "I read this article about how a family had a baby since birth and when he was almost 4 years old, some judge gave him back to his real mother! Aren't you afraid this will happen to you? Are you sure she won't come back and want the baby?" OR "I have a friend who adopted a baby and now the kid is teenager and is struggling and asking a lot of questions and it is very hard. Her son is acting out a lot! How are you going to deal with it when she starts asking about her real dad or wants to meet her real family?" Um, well, my child is NOT a teen yet and teens tend to act out REGARDLESS, but I digress. My child is still a baby and I have plenty of time to sort out how I will handle different issues based on her own personality. We are open about the adoption and will continue to be and to answer questions as they come. We also want to get involved with other parents who have adopted so that our daughter knows other adopted children. I think I will worry more about this when she is actually VERBAL! LOL!!! Right now she wants to eat, play, cuddle and have clean pants! Issues of adoption are not even on the radar!

[cmdunn1972]

I haven't come across that one yet. My thing is because my DS looks like me, people assume I was pregnant when I wasn't:

Stranger: You're too thin to have had a baby!
Me: Just lucky, I guess.

Stranger: Is your husband big too?
Me: I'm not sure where he gets it from.

I guess after a while you get really good at coming up with the quick non-answers.

[On a side note: When it's people that we see all the time who are relative strangers being nosy (such as the people who work at the grocery store where I shop), I really don't want his adoption to be his entire identity so I don't bring it up. Adoption is only a small part of who he is! He's only 3.5 months old now. I'll let him be the one to tell people he was adopted (when he's old enough) if he so chooses.]

It'd be great to get a catalogue of goofy comments made by strangers and snappy comebacks from parents about adoption. It'd be quite helpful for those of us just starting out! We've all been there, right?

[aspenhall]

On the reverse, my cousin is pg with QUADRUPLETS.... my 4 yo daughter (adopted at 3.5) was thinking about it one day and told me we needed to tell Lydia to give 3 to 3 other moms who need babies...she can just keep one and that she needs to share and not be selfish!! LOLOLOL

[cmdunn1972]

Originally Posted by aspenhall

On the reverse, my cousin is pg with QUADRUPLETS.... my 4 yo daughter (adopted at 3.5) was thinking about it one day and told me we needed to tell Lydia to give 3 to 3 other moms who need babies...she can just keep one and that she needs to share and not be selfish!! LOLOLOL

LOL! That's priceless! Kids say the funniest things sometimes. I'm curious how you responded to that one.

[aspenhall]

I think it was something to the effect of ..."Heavenly Father gets to decide who gets kids and how many and I guess He wanted Lydia to have 4...Just like He wanted you to live with Sarah first and then us now." She still thought it was pretty unfair that Lydia got 4 and some don't have any babies. She's already pushing for US to get a baby and we haven't even finalized yet!!

I also added something about only the most special kids get to have "2 families" (our words for adoption)...not just everybody. And she responded with, "...special like me huh mom?..." I also point out others with 2 families as we come across them... superman...etc..

[ladybird1980]

My husband has been asked so many rude questions about the adoption. It seems that hardly anyone can believe that a man can love a child that he didn't biologically father. The worst question that he was asked was if both children were going to die and you could only save one which one would you save? I think that is the absolute worst question you can ask a parent. There is no way to choose. I saw in the Tsunami coverage that this happened to a parent. Both children ended up living but I would never want to be in that situation. I think if you can answer that question you should stop parenting right now.

In response to the post about you took the easy way out with adoption. I have to say that I have two children. I found out I was pregnant with my son on Saturday. The Tuesday after that my Daughter was born. Her adoption finalization didn't happen till she was 15 months old. I personally feel that her adoption was harder. When I was pregnant with my son I knew where he was at all times. I never had to worry about it and hope that he was safe. With my daughter I knew about her since her mother was four months along. It was the absolute most stressful time of my life. I would get a call that said oh bmother was beat up again and is in the hospital. The worst call I got was that the doctor had told bmom to abort her since her heart was too small. I just cried thinking that there was nothing I could do to help her. I researched heart transplants and everything. I was then told a few days later that her mother hadn't gone through with the abortion. It went on and on. Her mother was always drinking and getting into fights. I am not usually an emotional person but I cried alot through this. I had to wait for 15 months after her birth hoping that she would be mine. I am not going to say that my own pregnancy was easy. My pubic bone felt like it was going to split for months. I had an excruciating 30 hour labor. For anyone to say that I got either of my children the easy way they must be insane. I love my children with every bit of my being. I get asked the questions alot since my children look very much alike. I was asked if they were twins since my son was about 6 weeks old and my daughter was 9 months old. She is very tiny and he grew very fast. I usually say that she is adopted and he is the surprise. We thought we were unable to have children after 8 years of marriage no protection and no kids. I was on Clomid a few times and had one miscarriage on it. Sorry for the long post.

[DeNaJa]

That question to your husband is HORRIBLE! People can be total idiots! I have 2 bio kids and 1 adopted kid and 1 on the way. My husband has a special bond with our youngest (who is adopted). She is a complete Daddy's Girl! He ADORES her! He has a bio daughter and he loves her tons, but there is just a special place for our youngest. When we are putting all the kids in the van for a trip, she is on his side and the others are on mine. After she is in her seat and the door shut, before getting in his seat, he will open the door, give her a kiss and THEN we can go. She gets sooo excited! I don't think people get that they are ALL your children. You don't think about it the way they do. They are not posessions, but people! People you LOVE and adore more than your own life.

Also, I would agree that adoption is NOT the easy way! It has been the most emotional experience of my life! I tell people who make ridicuous comments that I may not have had physical labor with her, but I had months (more than a year) of emotional labor!

[mum2many]

We have 5 children, all girls, all teens (19,18,18,14,13). 1 bio, 4 adopted. We get the same questions/comments about adopting. Especially when we tell them our 3 oldest are the same age for 2 wks out of the year. Are they triplets or twins & a single? Why are all your children so different? RUDE. (2 black hair/brown eyes--just like my husband; 1 brown/green eyes; 1 blond/green; 1 blond/brown eyes; i have brown hair/blue eyes). If you were able to have bio children, why dont you, why do you keep adopting? We tell them god placed these wonderful children on this earth so we could find each other & ALL of my girls know they are loved & wanted. The girls know they are adopted. Not only did we choose them, they (the kids) chose us. When people ask why they were up for adoption, we tell them it is a need to know basis, and they dont need to know.

[dr.kad]

My husband and I are still in the process of being matched with a child, but I'm already getting tired of all the comments.

The one that makes me CRAZY right now is, "I'm so impressed. I couldn't adopt. You guys are so nice to adopt." We hear this from strangers, colleagues, friends, and family.

What's that about????? that comment belongs in a Charles Dickens' book.

My h just responds, "We're lucky because the child will give us more than we can give her." AGH!!!

[miakajade]

I know this is an old thread but is a topic I had to respond to...

I just have to add a story to this thread. I too have had infertility issues and stopped we chose to stop short of in-vitro. Compliments of the Pergonal I believe I have ovarian cysts now to boot. A girl I work with who just came back from her 3 month maternity leave and knows I've had fertility issues and plan to adopt blurted out on the way back from lunch 'What kind of birth control do you use?'....WHAT???? Are you kidding me???? I looked at her like she had 3 heads... I know she wasn't thinking but I haven't thought about birth control in a good 8 years... And boy do I know what you mean about being told 'You just need to relax' or 'You'll probably get pregnant as soon as you adopt...' NOT!!!! I wish they would take those phrases out of the English language!

Back to the original poster though, I hadn't even thought very far into ignorant comments people might make once I had adopted. There are some great responses on this thread...

[HBV]

My answer to any question I think is too nosy is "I can't imagine why that would interest you." It's almost always followed by a rapid change of subject or an embarrassed silence.

[rachelandbrad]

I love this thread!


A few people that we told we were adopting domestically tried to give me the well why not foster/international/whatever, and I always just replied with I don't tell you what position you should conceive your kids in so don't tell me how to get mine! This usually worked great until my husband heard it being said and about killed over, he is a little conservative and I think it's funny.

My SIL and FIL in fact almost all of my in-law’s thought it was downright crazy to get to know the bmom, and there are several people in the family who are adopted, I had the hardest time explaining that just because she knew us she wasn't going to change her mind if we were nice to her.

Rachel