[rahulsmom]

After 5 years of waiting...we have a son!

Have just adopted a 2 1/2 year old boy who seems to have settled in very well. He speaks another language in which we are semi fluent and is learning English slowly and steadily. He was brought up by his bio dad as his mother died when he was about 9 mths old. He talks a lot/sings and dances and is very vocal - Doc says he's above average intelligence for his age. He has taken to us very well and is enjoying the attention, the toys and the love he gets from the family but doesnt speak bout his bfather, his uncle who was more like an elder brother or his early days. Is this normal considering he lived all of his 2 1/2 year old life with them till about a month ago? Am a little worried and just want to make sure that he's okay.

[dpen]

Hi, I was adopted at the age of 2.5 years and I have no memory of where I was before! Now, granted, I am now 45 and the memory is questionable anyway(I think its hormones,hehe). But I don't ever remember growing up with any memories, I do have a few things that may trigger something. The smell of custard, my mom didn't have that, so I assume it was given to me before I was adopted. My earliest memory is sitting on my dads shouldar, in front of the judge and the judge smiling. I think it was when my adoption became final. I am sure your son has memories and they may come out at some point...I don't think its a problem...then again I am no expert...

Good luck and have fun with your son! Donna

[rahulsmom]

Thanks so much for your posts dpen and crathke

Was a little concerned and your messages allayed my worries. Just wanted to ensure that my baby is as happy as he looks to be...

Thanks again...

[Jensboys]

You must also be aware that grief in children is not exhibited in the same way as grief in adults. The reality is you WANT him to experience grief at the loss of his first family as that shows he is emotionally healthy ... and he needs to work that through. Signs of grief in a toddler might express itsself as sleep pattern disruption, lack of activity or hyperactivity, eating disturbances, increased or decreased crying, etc etc etc I would STRONGLY suggest reading "Toddler Adoption Weaver's Craft". Essentially you just have to be alert and proactive - allowing him the opportunity to express his sadness to you. For example, if one night he seems expecially inconsolable because he spilled his milk/stubbed his toe/doesnt want to take a bath, it would be healthy for you to verbalize, "I bet you are feeling really sad because you miss your papa" or something along those lines.

Our sons were 3 and 4 when they came home. Our 4 year old exhibited more classic signs of childhood grief immediately, our 3 year old functioned as "normal" for around 6 months and one day just collapsed on the floor in gut wrenching sobs ... I just pulled him onto my lap and let him cry ... I found it very effective to sing what I wanted him to know or what he might be feeling as I comforted him "LALALA Eric is feeling sad today because he is missing Mommy Debbie lalalalalala Eric is angry today because he is feeling scared lalalalala Eric will never have to leave mommy and daddy ever ever every lalalalala" Anyway you get my point.

I think its best to be aware that 30 month old child will experience grief but that it might come up in fits and spurts and not be visible on a daily basis ... It took our 3 year old at least one year to come to complete terms with his grief and our 4 year old (now 8.5) stills has times throughout the year when he is overwhelmed with grief. But most days are filled with hugs, laughter and lots of joy!!!

[Linny]

While I would agree that children will probably show some signs of grief when adopted at this age, I would also be sure that I didn't press the issue either.
I have found that as adoptive parents, sometimes we 'see' things in our children that are really just 'normal kid things'....but because they are adopted, we immediately think they have to be 'grief over separation, or attachment disorders, or some mental conditions'....when in fact, the kids are only being kids.

Jen is correct, I think, in saying that you should be 'pro-active' in seeing what your child does. Just as it is wrong to assume they will show great grief, it is also wrong to assume any previous life will 'just go away'.

Each child is so different....and I'm not sure that I would ask him, 'who's this, etc'......as that may be pushing him into more confusion. Not every child is going to deeply anguish over separation. (Believe me, I've gone down this route myself....)

I hope this doesn't sound too confusing.......and as I read over it, it may be. I just think we as parents can worry in excess about our childrens' memories.........and can actually project what WE think they are thinking....when in fact, it isn't what was going on at all in the first place. Let him come to you with questions....and be ready to explain and comfort if/when the time comes.

Sincerely,

Linny

[dpen]

Linny, As a mom of 5, I can tell you I totally agreee with your post. We as parents want so much to "do it right" we sometimes get mucked up and don't see the forrest through the trees. Aparents, I think have an added pressure in this day and age of assuring our childrens emotional well being. I was very much like that in my early child rearing days.....now I am thinking back to what my parents did and saying.....I think THEY got it right!(somewhat) Also have 5 in the teens (or almost teen) does a world of good in terms of education! Kids will be kids...and try to get their way any way they can...thats when we have to be parents and put the skids on when needed! Another thing is they learn very young on how to manipulate us!!! And most of it is all normal...nature of the beast! They keep you on your toes, it exchausting but I would't change a thing!!! Gotta love them! Donna

[Linny]

Donna:
I posted that because I too, have been as you spoke of. We have adopted six....and we weren't the 'try ever-so-hard' parents with the wee ones we adopted....but when it came to the older adoptions......MY GOSH! Every caseworker wants to make sure that you realize practically every action is due to 'damage, damage, damage' in the younger years!
We look back and can see mistakes we made in trying to assure the kids did this or that. Our youngest 'older adoption' had just turned three when he came with his brother to us. He has problems now -----five years later-----but many of them are NOT due to grief but the 'middle child syndrome' if you will. We have a baby now....and hope to have another baby within the year. He gets along famously with the baby......but has regressed into acting very immaturely. And you know........I know bio kids that have acted the SAME way....hmmmmmmm!

While I wouldn't fool myself into my old way of thinking: That older child adoptions don't have issues.....I WILL say that those 'issues' are sometimes just 'kid things' (barring abusive type acting out stuff.....you know what I mean, I'm sure).

Sincerely,

Linny

[rahulsmom]

and thanks for your input everybody.

At the moment, my little one is just like any little one that age - demanding (now realising that he can have things previously he wouldnt have dared ask for) and testing the limits and yet as loving as ever. Luckily DH has more tough love than I imagined, while I'm trying not to be, but I'm a bit of a pushover.

Just thinking - we are planning to move to another country altogether in about 6 month and wondering if shifting from place to place will upset him - I see us moving to at least 3 new homes before we finally have one of our own.

Any thoughts on this?

[Linny]

Personally, it sounds like you are doing a terrific job. As far as the move...........as long as you keep him very close------and 'in the loop' for as much information he is able to process......I think he'll be fine.
Many kids move many times. It's the consistency of having loving parents that makes it alright.....even if the moves can be rocky at times. As long as he isn't put in daycare or somewhere else, where he can't realize 'what's going on' (and you know.....as much as a child his age can....common sense here).....he should be fine.

I've known people who have placed their biological kids with family while they've gone off for weeks to find a home, etc. If the children are familiar with the providers, it would seem alright. But, keep in mind that your little guy is only going to know you......and the more he is with you (even if it may be an extra hassle at times).....the greater than bond will grow.


Sincerely,

Linny

[Jensboys]

2 comments -- I too assumed much of my then 3 year old acting out behaviours were related to adoption/loss/grief etc until our bio son turned three ... wow, being three is tough!!!

Secondly, we have moved twice with our sons. I would say to expect some acting out and clingy behaviours, especially if you are busier and less available to your son during that period (which is pretty much normal with a move). Both times we had around 6 weeks of more difficult behaviours and regression BUT it was followed by some real growth. Some book I read along this adoption journey said that moving and the child realizing that they came with you and are staying can add to their security. We did lots of verbal reassurance, showed pics of the new room, talked about taking our toys with us and their bed etc... With both our sons, realizing that everything stayed "the same" after the move has really contributed to their feeling of connectedness and security.

SO - approach it with wisdom and sensitivity and you will do fine! (and I second Linny's advice about daycare being a big NO-NO right now!)

[rahulsmom]

Thanks so much for your input Jen and Linny. It really helps to hear from someone who has been through this - DH says I worry too much but I like to make 'informed' decisions...

So far (and though its only been a month) - the whole process has been a positive experience and then I saw this beautiful cherubic 4 month baby girl at an orphanage yesterday and its taken all the will power in the world not to go about convincing DH that we three must be four now...(even thought of a name for her!)

Though someday not too far off I will adopt again...

Thanks again for your help - I think my little one will have at least one of us home with him initially and possibly later we will have to work around this one. I have faith...