[gad140]

My ex husband and I have two young children, ages 5 and 3. After we separated he and his new girlfriend had a child who is a little less than a year. Things didn't work out with them and they aren't together anymore, with no chance of getting back together.

The ex-girlfriend has a bit of a... um... history. Without getting into details that aren't really mine to share, she had two children before having a child with my ex, both of which she lost custody of. When history started to repeat itself, the baby was removed from the home last year at only a couple of months old and has been in foster care since. Both of the baby's bio parents have remained in his life with frequent visits. After several months of court dates, it is apparently starting to look like she will have her rights terminated.

My ex has decided not to parent should the baby's mom regain custody and hopes to arrange an open adoption. Months ago my partner and I offered to care for the baby, as with us the baby would have the opportunity to see his bio dad frequently (as bio dad is over to visit our two children often), and so that the baby would be with his two half-siblings.

My ex recently asked if we were still interested in caring for the baby, and possibly adopting him should bio mom's rights be terminated. We are finding this to be a hugely conflicting decision. While I feel that it would be ideal to have the baby grow up here with half siblings, there is a huge potential for drama when he grows and realizes that bio dad chose to parent his two half siblings but not him. But given the fact that bio dad is here visiting the older two so frequently, he most likely *would* be parenting a bit, which kind of rubs me the wrong way- it's like he gets out of the responsibility of parenting but gets all the glory as the "fun guy" who comes to visit. Bio dad would be such a prominent feature in his life that I worry that he would never feel like we were his parents- or that we wouldn't feel like we *were* his parents.

I hope I'm making sense here. Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated, as we are feeling very overwhelmed and torn!

[wcurry66]

Welcome to thee world of kinship care.

While the details of your experience may vary from those of us who are connected to BPs by blood, you're struggling with many of the same obstacles we've faced.

Inconsistent parenting commitments towards different siblings and fears that it will one day blow up

Detached, uncommitted parents (mostly BFs, it seems) who seem totally comfortable having someone else care for "their" child, yet feel entitled to parent as they see fit

The general anxiety that appears when someone asks you to take in their child

The exposure to DCYF in non-planned, unprepared for ways.

etc, etc

Dealing with the BP relative (as your child's father, he's a relative) post adoption requires firm boundaries and well defined OA - actions and consequences. In your case, this is complicated by an existing visitation arrangement with your other children. Just remember, once adoption is finalized, the choice to let him participate in parenting the AK is 100% up to you.

As for how the kids will react at the at the inconsistencies.. yep, a lot of us have that fear. All you can do (other than choosing not to adopt) is to set the consistent message from day one.

Good luck in whatever you decide. And, by all means - feel welcome at the relative caregivers subforum.