[Nicole_Is_Great]

My fiance wants to adopt my children, but I'm not sure about it. As much as I "dislike" their Bio-Father for outright refusing to support them or be a part of their lives , I don't know how they would feel about him when they got older. What if they find out about their Bio-Father and want to get to know him or his family? What if the marriage fails or my fiance has a change of heart about being their father? Is there any way for my fiance to have authority in the kids lives, maybe a guardianship for in case something happened to me, without terminating their Bio-Father's rights forever? My fiance has been breaking his back to care for us as a family, he deserves the "Father" status, but at the same time, don't I owe it to my children to allow them the opportunity to know their Bio-Father if they so choose in the future (only 4 and 5 years old now)? What are my options?

[zxczxcasdasd]

It's not either-or, it can be both things. I'm an adoptive stepparent. My son is almost twenty.

If your fiance does adopt the kids, it does not erase the truth of who their bio-father is, nor should the children be lied to about who their biological father is. Your fiance becomes their legal father as much as he is already the Daddy who is raising them, and their biological father remains what he already is, the biological father. The adoption might terminate his legal parental rights, but not the reality of the children's conception and birth.

The kids will have questions through the years to understand this, as much as they will have questions about many things. It's part of your job as a parent to help them understand their unique situation...Daddy is Daddy, who makes the decisions and provides for and protects them and loves and raises them as they grow. The man who conceived them is the one who passed on his genetic heritage to them and they can know who he is and pursue a relationship with him when the time is right should they wish to.

The adoption does not necessarily mean that the kids shouldn't have the right to information or even a relationship with their biological when the time is right.

My son has always known who his biological mother is and they've met and are free to contact each other any time and have any relationship they wish to have with each other. At the same time, I'm Mom and always will be. I don't erase her and the adoption didn't erase her. It made me his legal mother and I felt so secure knowing that if anything happened to his father, I would have all the rights of a parent and his life would not be disrupted and we would not be separated. The adoption established the future, but didn't erase the past. Biology and adoption are both permanent realities.

Usually, you have to be married for a minimum time period (often a year) before you can petition to adopt. You will have to notify the biological father and give him a chance to respond. You will need to demonstrate that your marriage is stable and that the adoption is the best decision for the children's future.

Hope this helped.

[Nicole_Is_Great]

I understand exactly what you're saying. My fears come from my own childhood living with a stepfather, having my mother first deny that he was my "step"father and then refuse to give me any information about my Bio-Father. I had to literally 'steal' my own birth ceritificate from her just to get his name.

I just don't want to be like my mother in this situation. I don't want my kids to feel like by having them adopted I tried to erase their Bio-Father. At the same time, I don't want their Bio-Father to disrupt their lives whenever he feels like. He makes empty threats to "take them away" and says that as long as I'm with my fiance he will have nothing to do with the kids, which breaks my heart.

Alot of people try to terminate the other parent's rights out of spite, I don't want to do that. I worry about the unknowns, like if something were to happen to me, my kids would be taken away from the only father they've only known and live with complete strangers. I know the Bio-Father would not allow my fiance around them after that. I just want to protect my children and do what's right for them. I would love for the Bio-Father to be involved but he refuses. I shouldn't have to feel like the bad guy in this.

We are aware of the one year period, just wanted to take our time and make sure we are making the right decision.

[zxczxcasdasd]

It sounds like your conscience and common sense are already right on track. Best wishes while you consider this important decision. Please know that just because your mother handled it very poorly doesn't mean that if you decide to go forward with an adoption by your fiance, that you would be doing the same thing to your kids. You can do it ethically, truthfully, and openly. You can protect your kids and also honor and respect their right to know about their heritage and to pursue their own relationship with him when the time is right, if they wish. None of it will be easy, but parenting never is. If you have any questions or need support, we're always here. There are a few other moms here who have had their spouses adopt their children, so they might be of help also.