[jenesnow]

If anyone could help me with a little problem I am having it would be so appreciated. A little background, my son was 16 mo when I met him, 3 when I married my DH he is now 7 we have 2 other children 3 and 18 mo. We have not told him about his biological mom because she has not had contact since abandoning him at 9 mo. My DH feels so guilty about the subject, and feels it is his responsibility to tell him. I do not agree. We are currently in the step parent adoption process. Whoo hoo! Our attny says that the case is pretty cut and dry, she has not paid child support, or attempted contact in 6 years. I was wondering how everyone would go about telling him the truth. It gets a little awkward here and there when he asks normal little boy questions and I feel as though I am lying to him. Any help would be appreciated.

[kimmom]

I told my daughter when she was three. We call her biodad her "first daddy," or her "before daddy," or by his name. Simply put I noted that some of her characteristics were from her first dad, she and her step-siblings said "Elena has another dad?" and I said yes his name is....he lives in....and he was your dad when you were in my belly. Now he is still your dad, but you have a "now daddy" too, they both love you very much. When she asks questions I answer them, I never want her to feel like anything about her is a secret, including her paternity. When she told me she didnt love her "before dad" I said that it was fine bc she doenst know him, but he will always love her, and he knows about her "now daddy" and is glad that he loves her and that she loves him back. So our situations are somewhat different but I would just say: I am your mommy now and I will love you FOREVER, but you were in a different mommy's belly. She was your mommy before I knew you or daddy. Your first mommy didnt really know how to be a good mommy so she let your daddy find me for you and I am sooooo glad that happened, because you are sooo special and I love you soooo much. When he gets older he will want to know more and I am going to go against the crowd and say dont sit him down in an awkward uncomfortable way. Tell him when you are doing your normal stuff together and just let it be something that is okay to talk about whenever he wants to. Personally I think sitting a child down to talk makes the subject much more uncomfortable, especially if it is something you are going to want to be open about in the future. I'll bet that its 1000 times easier than you think. Good luck, but I dont think that youll need it.

[zxczxcasdasd]

The longer you wait, the harder it will, on the boy especially.

Tell him yesterday.

And don't be afraid of taking him to a child psychologist if need be, to help him sort out his feelings. 7 is old to "find out" something this major, so there might be some fallout. But it won't get easier by putting it off.

How about this Friday afternoon, so he has the weekend at home to process before going back to school?

[jenesnow]

You actually aren't going against the grain, I had someone else tell me not to "sit him down and have the big convo" It was the best advice I had ever received and it made it seem a little easier to overcome. I just wanted some feedback on ways I could start the conversation so as not to startle him.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I wish you the best as you go into this with him.

How about family photos/photo albums?

You could look at photos of different family members (grandparents, you, etc.) and use that as a lead in to the discussion of ancestry, birth, family, etc. Don't make it over-emotional, just age-appropriate facts. Do your best to try to frame it for him so he understands why he's being told this and what it means for him now. He may have several different reactions. The key to remember is, let him go through whatever emotional processing without taking any of it personally or getting defensive. Remember, this is his story and his life and he's going to have questions about his own story, whether immediately or later.

This will be a lifelong conversation- not a one-time "whew, that's over." Start the conversation now, and be prepared to continue it for the rest of your life.

Best wishes!

[noerose]

hi,
i have a 3 yr old and one due next month. My son has not seen his bf in over a year and has my hubby as Daddy for a year and a half. we are actually going thru a step parent adoption at the moment...the bf signed a term of rights paper
anyways we are planning on telling our son about his bf but we want to wait until we feel he can understand the issue. if he happens to ask any ?'s before than we will have to answer them, as his birthmom i feel like it is my responsibility to tell him any info he wants to know--especially if he asks. our plan is to tell him around 6 or 7 -- i would rather have him grow up with the info, rather than tell him when he's too old and it be a shock more than just a simple fact that he lives with. I grew up w/o my birthmom and always knew it and never had any problems with it. my son still sees his bio- grandparents so i know the ?'s will most likely arise eventually, i feel that if we make it simple and talk to him like its no big deal then he will take it that way--what matters most are the people in his life who love him and take care of him and that will always be his mommy and daddy.

[zxczxcasdasd]

You don't need to wait until 6 or 7. It's better if it's never a "reveal". If he understands who you are and who his grandparents are, then he can understand about a birth father, as much as a 3 yr old can. There are many 3 yr olds who understand birth parents because they'e always been told.

It shouldn't be a "when do we tell him?" It should just be something that is included as part of his life story, his heritage, and his genetics that is discussed little by little, throughout his whole life, starting now. He'll understand in parts just like he will about so many other things about family and life, so there is no need to wait until he can understand it all at once.

He shouldn't have to wait to be told. He should just know.

Be assured, be confident, lead him into understanding over the next 20 yrs. Start now.

Best Wishes.

[kimmom]

noerose, I totally agree with Heidi, if you read my post iit says that three is the age I made sure that my daughter knew, because she was old enough to understand and young enough to take it as it was.

jenesnow, I agree with Heidi, leading him to the subject by heritage would be easy, you could also lead him into asking about your pregnancy with him. You could also just say it. Talking about adoptive families would be good too, after he understood how every other adoptive mama loves her baby telling him that he was never in your belly (much less harsh than "your not my biological son") would be easy. Obviously, I favor less than technical terms like "before mom" instead of biological mother and "never in my belly" instead of "not your biological mother" because they are easier to understand and do not emphasize what the child is NOT to you.

I hope that you will take Heidi's advice about doing it tomorrow. Remember that once it is out, that is it. If you can just bring yourself to start the conversation the biggest burden is lifted and it has been done.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I read that if you don't tell a child until they are older (teenage) then they will forever wonder what else you never told them or "lied" about.

I believe it can be detrimental to a child if they are not told the truth. Especially if there are other people who KNOW the truth. For example, my neice is not my brother's daughter biologically. When my brother and his now EX wife were going thru one of their separations she got pregnant. They reconciled and she was raised as my brother's daughter in every way. BUT, during their recent divorce now 9 years later, the issue of him being her father or not has come to light. They have never told her otherwise, now she does not know why her parents are making the fight for the kids SO focused around her. She asks why she does not look like her brothers and sister.(blue eyed blondes with olive skin tones/brown eyed brunett with pale skin tone) In school this last year she had to be enrolled by the legal name on her birth certificate...not my brothers. Even with all these questions they have never told her the truth. SO, what about when the BIG issues come about? Drugs, sex, etc...when she does find that her parents have been lying to her this whole time, will she believe the warnings they try to instill about these topics?

Even with our 2 adoptions, it was a pretty good opportunuty to discuss these facts, but they did not. It breaks my heart because EVERYONE including her brothers and sister and even my children know the truth...everyone except her. BTW...my children only know because I had assumed that she had been told the truth a long time ago and when my s-daughters asked why she looks different I told them the truth.

[poppyryce]

I have to agree with Centraltx Dad, it should be what is best for the family. I don't think some parents should completely stress that EVERYONE who is going through a step-parent adoption tell their children NOW, at age 3 that can be a lot to understand, and confusing. A three year old doesn't really know what genetics means. Imho I don't see what is wrong with waiting until the child is 6 or 7 so he can understand and process what he is being told a little better. That is still a very young age.

Each adoption story is different. Some children are not told till they are teenagers and are fine, and never have any sort of fallout. Then some do. You can't say everyone should do it the same way, imho. My grandmother married my grandfather when her first son was two, he adopted him at age two and he was not told till his teens. He was fine and when his BF tried to contact him he told him he already had a father, and hung up on him. All different adoptions have different stories and different things that could happen. What is right for one family may not be right for another.

[noerose]

Originally Posted by poppyryce

I have to agree with Centraltx Dad, it should be what is best for the family. I don't think some parents should completely stress that EVERYONE who is going through a step-parent adoption tell their children NOW, at age 3 that can be a lot to understand, and confusing. A three year old doesn't really know what genetics means. Imho I don't see what is wrong with waiting until the child is 6 or 7 so he can understand and process what he is being told a little better. That is still a very young age.

Each adoption story is different. Some children are not told till they are teenagers and are fine, and never have any sort of fallout. Then some do. You can't say everyone should do it the same way, imho. My grandmother married my grandfather when her first son was two, he adopted him at age two and he was not told till his teens. He was fine and when his BF tried to contact him he told him he already had a father, and hung up on him. All different adoptions have different stories and different things that could happen. What is right for one family may not be right for another.

Thank You so much for the agreement--it seems many people on this website are so quick to run to a conclusion when half the time people may not always really understand what everyone is typing. Its very hard to express your self in a letter or email. It brought tears to my eyes when i read your response..(granted i am 8 months pregnant)but it feels very good to have someone understand and agree with what you are saying. It means a lot, especially when you are on a "support" group website. Thank you poppyryce
-centraltxdad'a wife

[zxczxcasdasd]

Our situation is not unsimilar- my son's bmom was a completely absent parent- no drugs or alchohol, but did have a history of abusive, dysfunctional family and diagnosed mental illness, so I'm talking from simliar experience, not just opinion.

You see there's info and there's info. Do 3 yr-olds need ALL the gory details? Absolutely not. But the fact of being adopted is a basic fact about one's existence, it's not something to be ashamed of, and it can be very traumatic to a child to have it "revealed" later in life like it's some dirty little secret or something you didn't want to tell.

Should you answer questions as they come? Absolutely- like I said, it will be a lifelong conversation and your child will ask questions as they are curious about specific questions. You don't have to have sit down and tell the whole story at once. Just start with the basic facts. It's much better if the child can never remember not knowing. It's not "ramming" being adopted down someone's throat to just tell them that they are adopted when they are young and then to answer other questions as they come. I'm not saying "Paint a red A on their forehead!" I'm saying tell them their own basic truth so they won't be traumatized by wondering why their own parents hid this info about them from them and shattering their trust in you. So some people haven't been traumatized by a later-in-life reveal...do you want to take that gamble with your child? Why hide truth?

The idea that a child should figure it out by noticing that there aren't baby pictures of them around the house and then decide there's something fishy they have to ask about makes no sense to me at all. Your child has to figure out there's a secret and then realize there's something to ask about? Why would you play a head game with your own child? Your child shouldn't have to figure out the mystery of their own past.

You, as the present parent, and the child, have done nothing to be ashamed of so there should be nothing to hide. The child has a birth father who didn't know how to be good daddy, so now so-and-so is your Daddy who lives with you and loves you and he's adopting you so he is legally your daddy as well. It's simple. And there's just no reason to put off that basic information. Not all the nasty details- just the basic info.

You are the parent and you should take the leadership and resonsiblity for sharing basic info about your own child with them- not lay the responsibility on the kid to figure it out and ask about it. You should absolutely answer questions as they come- but waiting for your kid to bring up the subject of "am I adopted?" is frankly ridiculous.

I really hope that you do budge on this, because sharing basic truth in a simple loving way and then continuing on as a loving happy family is not something to be afraid of and doesn't need putting off.

Our son has always known his basic info, and had access to pictures and we've answered questions as they've come and there's still things he doesn't know because there's been no need. But it's his story and the information belongs to him. It was not traumatic because he always knew that he had a birth mother who wasn't in his life, and a mommy who was in his life. It was nothing any of us had to be ashamed of. He's always been secure in his home and his life and will be heading off to college in the fall as one of the most confident, secure, exuberant, affectionate, loving, warm, and talented people I've ever known. The knowledge that he had a birth mother who was different from his mom, no matter what her dirty laundry was, has never hurt him. It's just his basic life story and he's okay with it and so are we.

Don't be afraid of basic truth, because then you'll teach your child to be afraid of truth or send the message that their past is something to hide or be ashamed of.

Yes, this is a support website but that doesn't mean always agreeing. My best friends are the ones who can make me cry with hard truth when I need it, not just tell me I'm always right. I believe that by encouraging you to just be open with one simple basic fact of truth about your child is supporting you in navigating step-parent adoption. The best advice I can give you is not to be afraid of truth and to lead your child with love and openness.

[bromanchik]

I think you need to post this situation on the Late Discovery Adoptees board.