[Jessica0698]

My DH adopted my son when he was close to 3, during that time we told him what was going on, but he didn't understand,and we never really mentioned it again. His bio-dad has never had contact with him. Well, now he's 8 and I have no idea how to tell him, I would love to not ever mention it, but I know that's not an option. We have a 3 year old and I'm pregnant, my biggest concern is that he want feel like he belongs even though he has always called DH dad etc. I just don't know "how" or when to tell him. Please help!!!

Jessica

[Alli_Driscoll]

I would suggest trying to slowing bring it up while looking at pictures or something of the sort. "This is when we met Dad" Something like that. I would strongly encourage doing this soon. I'm also a half-adoptee and I still resent my mother for not being open with me about dad adopting me. I don't love him any less, but it wasn't her right to just shut that out for me. I've now located my birth father and we talk on the phone and I've been very luck to get my medical history. Good luck. I hope you're able to do this without too much trouble and he understands that he's still loved no matter what.


Alli

[healingfeeling]

I'm also a half-adoptee and I still resent my mother for not being open with me about dad adopting me. I don't love him any less, but it wasn't her right to just shut that out for me. I've now located my birth father

same here...another half-adoptee who wishes that my mother would've allowed me to ask questions about my biodad and adoption. I was a bit older when I was adopted...around 5. I hadn't seen my bdad since I was 2 at that point. We're now reunited...I wish it didn't have to be some big "reunion" and that it wasn't such a mystery my whole life.

I started getting really curious at about age 11...so I think its great you want to tell him now.

Just for the future...if he wants to see a picture when he's older or now...don't make him feel bad about it, just show him.

hope that helps and good luck with your new baby!

p.s. my name is Jessica too!

[losing_hope]

I have a girlfiend who has an 11 yr old now who was adopted by his step father when he was 2. He sort of knows he's adopted, but doesn't quite understand the meaning of it. She is very worried that she knows she has to tell him, but just doesn't know when to. She keeps pushing it off because she thinks he will resent her when she does tell him. I know it's not my place to say when to tell the child, but I did suggest to her to maybe bring it up as my husband was adopting my children. Then her son would understand that he's not the only child that went/ goes through this and with my children his age and friends with him he would accept it better than she thinks he would. I don't believe that she has told him yet. Is there something I can say to ease her mind about letting him know? She still asks me what she should do? I really thought what I told her would've been perfect timing.

[escanda]

Hi,

I know what you are going through, I'm going through the same thing right at this moment. My son's bf has not been in his life since he was 2, and the only daddy he knows is my husband. I been debating about letting him know that we are currently going throught the adoption process. but in my case his bf, wants nothing to do w/ my son nor wants to be responsible for anything. how do I tell a 6yr old boy that his bf, wants nothing to do with him? my son still has bf last name, and now that he is starting 1st grade, I know he'll question as to why his last name is different from mine,husbands, his brother. can anyone please advise me on what to do.

[Forever_family]

I know that in the adoption world it used to be that you didn't tell children they were adopted until they were older. From what I understand this is not a good idea and can be very traumatic.

It is best to be open from a young age so that they never "remember" the day they were told. As foster parents we are told not to share horrible negative events, often the child remember them, but that if they were abused to tell them they were abused, if their parents had a drug problem to tell them. It is part of their "life book." This is private information for them only, not to be shared with other associates or family members. We were told that when/if we adopt to say something along the lines of your father/mother loves you very much but just couldn't be a daddy/mommy right now. You were growing up and you couldn't wait for them to be a daddy and mommy, you need a daddy/mommy right now so you were adopted by so and so who also love you very much, you are lucky enough to have two fathers/mothers who love you, one who helped you be born and one who is your daddy/mommy every day. One you can see very day and one who thinks about you often....or something along those lines. I know they may be scum but if you let your child catch that drift in your voice, in your language, in your words, they will start to think part of them is bad too.

Good luck, and hope this helps.

L

[JulieSA]

As an adoptee, and the amom of my step-son, I totally agree that it is very important to find a way to open up the communication.

It may be difficult to find age-appropriate books, given the unusual circumstances.

I think the photo idea is great - "heres where we met dad" etc - how about turning it into a family history / scrapbooking project, so you are not saying, "Ok come and sit down - we are going to look at photos now".

My Son (can't call him step son - sorry!!!) is now almost 18, and hubby and I have just had our first biological child together. Even at his age, I found it very important to take time with him, and let him know that the new baby in no way took away our love for him.

Maybe as your son is a bit younger, you could get the "I'm the Big Brother" T-shirt etc - to make him feel special too. Also try to shield him from visitors who will ignore him and goo goo over the new baby!