[jsimon]

I wanted to introduce my self. I have been lingering here for a few months now, trying to soak up as much information as I can. We just hired an attorney on Tuesday. We live in Contra Costa County.

My husband wants to adopt my 3 yr. old daughter. Her BF has been incarcerated for the majority of her life and has never paid child support. He is in for a sex offence with a minor under the age of 14. He was out for a couple months last year but his parole says he is not allowed around children. He violated and ended up back in because he was out past curfew. He is supposed to be getting out again this month. He has to get special permission from a judge to see his own child because of his parole. So far he has not gotten to see her, Thankfully!

My daughter knows my husband as her daddy. He has been in her life for a year and a half. I fear her BF getting visitation and putting her through being with a man she doesn't know. I fear if something happens to me that she will be put into his home and taken away from the only family she knows.

So, I hope that any sane judge will see who the best father would be for her. I worry about what will happen if this does not work. My husband and I have only been married for 6 months but the Attorney said he is going to drag this out a bit so that we are close to the year mark.

Any advice on how to cope with this stress? Any reassuring words of wisdom out there?

[stepadoptionblog]

I understand your fears and concerns about your daughter being around a convicted sex offender, even if it is her father. I believe that you are seeking a stepparent adoption in the best interest of your daughter. It can be a long and hard process, but with him being in jail, and breaking parole, it sounds like you have a good case.

Make sure you keep a log of when and how he contacts you, if he does. Get a notebook and write down everyday if he contacts you or not. Be sure to write the date for each entry. That way when you go to court, if the BF says that he still wishes to have contact with your daughter, you have a log right there that says he had the opportunity but did not take it.

Think good thoughts, and just focus on your family right now. If your lawyer is taking things slow, that will give you extra time to build up a good case against the BF. When things get very stressful and you feel ovewhelmed, just step back and remember that you are doing this for the safety of your daughter, and out of your love for your daughter. Her BF is sick and cannot be trusted around her. Perhaps once she is an adult she may wish to seek a relationship with him, but while she is still a child she needs to be protected from him, and you are doing the right thing. Hang in there!


http://stepparent.adoptionblogs.com/

[jsimon]

Thanks for the reply, It made me feel a little better. I am going to post updates from time to time and of course if I have any questions I know where to go. There are a lot of great supportive people here.

[jsimon]

Does anyone know if the BF will be exempt from paying back child support if he looses his rights?

[jsimon]

Well, I just checked the Megan's Law web site (sex offender locator) and found out that my daughters BF is out. I don't know when he got out because he has not tried to get in touch with us. I guess that is a good thing since the attorney told me not to talk to him if he calls. I felt nervous and anxious about it. I called the attorney but they have not done anything so I just gave them the BF's current address.


I am a little irritated because we just talked to the BF's parents to thank them for some St. Patrick's day gifts they sent my daughter. His Mom didn't say anything about him being out but I didn't ask either. I hope they aren't planning anything. Her not mentioning it makes me worry.

I hate this anxiety!

[stepadoptionblog]

I am sorry that he has been released, I am sure that is a terrible anxiety for you! Maybe you should cut down on contact with his family for a bit if you feel they are planning anything. Maybe she didn't know that he was released. I do not know how your relationship is with her, could you ask her, or is it better not to confront her?

I hope that your family will be safe, and that your adoption goes quicky and smoothly!

Julie
http://stepparent.adoptionblogs.com/

[jsimon]

I know I can talk to her. We are somewhat close. She calls me her daughter. I think she would choose help him if she could. They are great to my daughter. I couldn't keep them away from her but they do live a ways away so we don't get to see them often. The grandparents and the BF live about 3 hours away. I don't want this to drive a wedge between them and us. I have not discussed the adoption with them yet. I guess I have been putting it off. I don't know what her reaction will be. She has always hoped her son and I would get back together. I know they will tell the BF and I don't know how that will go. As of now he has no legal rights to her and his parole doesn't allow him around children until he gets special permission from a judge.

[jsimon]

We went to visit the BF's parents (daughters grandparents) this last Sunday. BF had called on Saturday to find out if he could see my daughter while we were in town. I told him no. He threatened to take me to court for visitation. I guess he was trying to scare me. I don't know how he is going to take me to court when he has to file in my county and his parole says he cant leave his county.

Anyone out there know if he can file in a county other than the one the child has resided in?

Anyway, he called me a few times on Monday but I didn't pick it up. Our Attorney says we should avoid talking to him. He left a message saying thanks for letting his Mom see our daughter. I keep hoping he will say something incriminating on the answering machine. He called after that so I guess that wasn't all he wanted to say. He never left another message. It is so stressful having to screen my calls. I hope we can get this over with. We meet with the Attorney today so I hope to find out more about what is going to happen.

I really think he is going to fight us which doesn't make the projected outcome to promising. It's Sad that a man who has never been there, in any way shape or form, can just push his way into our family and disrupt my daughters life.

[jsimon]

Well we met with the Attorney yesterday. The papers are being filed today. I hope this goes well. I am not looking forward to the phone call from the BF when he gets served. I just hope I can convince him it is in his and my daughters best interest. After talking to the Attorney I realized that no matter what the BF is going to have a hell of a time getting access to my daughter. Even if he took us to court for visitation he would only get supervised and then paying for that on top of child support, he just wont be able to afford that. So I have that as ammo. He just doesn't have the capacity to really be a good father. Plus, She already has a daddy. And he is there to hug and kiss her everyday. My husband is the one that has been providing for her for the last year and a half. This is so stressful. And I have a feeling it is going to be a long road ahead.

[Kmms101]

GoodLuck, and thankyou for replying to my post, our cases are very similar in many ways, I will keep an eye on your posts, and please follow mine as well.

I believe you have a very good chance consittering the bf history, dont let him or the system get you down, and dont give up!

[jsimon]

Well we were just notified that the papers were filed last Wednesday 5/3/06. Copies were mailed to the server so the BF will be getting served in the next few days. I am so nervous about getting the angry phone calls from the BF and his Mom.

It took a little longer than expected because we had to re-write up the papers. We decided to use a different family code because he has had contact through letters with my DD. We are now using code 7822 for no child support and only token efforts at communication and 7825 because of his felony and parole (unfit parent)

Our court date is set for July 10, 2006.

[crabcakes]

Well, let's hope and pray that he doesn't show up at the hearing. Because if he doesn't, the judge will grant the adoption. But if he does, then he'll probably get his own attorney and a new hearing will be set and the drama will linger on FOREVER. Is he in California too? Do you think he will show up?

[jsimon]

Yes he is in CA too. He lives in another county so he is going to have to get permission from his parole officer to leave his county. I don't know how he will pull it off. I am hoping if he calls me I can convince him that it is in her best interest and tell him not to show up.

I am prepared with all kinds of reasons for him to consent.

(1) he wont have to pay child support
(2) he wont have to pay for supervised visitation (because that is all he will be able to get with his record)
(3) Daughter will be able to have a stable family
(4) She will not be taken out of her home if something were to happen to me and be kept from her future siblings. And be fought over by her Grandparents.

I wish that he will let her go. He has never known her and So far he has made very little effort at getting to know her. He has not called in a month and he has been out of prison for 2 months. Actually he is not supposed to call because he has a condition on his parole that states he is not to initiate or establish contact with a minor under the age of 18. I think that will help our case.

I hope this doesn't get dragged on. But I am prepared to do what we have to do.

[crabcakes]

It all depends - does he have a big EGO? Does he hold a grudge against you and/or your husband? And does he trust you? But most importantly, can he handle not being able to see his child ever again?

If you plan on convincing him of these reasons and there's a chance he will agree, perhaps, you should call and talk to him before getting served. That's not a good feeling and it could make the situation more combative and cause some resentment.

[jsimon]

I was told by my attorney to wait until he is served so that he does not try to avoid service. I can't see him thinking of doing that but I don't want to find out either.


He has a huge ego., Very cocky. Totally not my type, I don't know what I was thinking. He is the type of guy that likes the mirror. But, he is not very smart. That could be a bad thing because he wont realize he is going to loose, somehow.

I don't know, I guess there is no use speculating.