[jsimon]

We were notified last week that the BF had been served with the papers. He called me today and told me that he would not sign over his rights and that my DH could not adopt my DD. I told him that is his choice. Now we have to fight him.

I am getting cold feet now. I am going to be so let down if the adoption is not granted. I told the BF all my reasons for wanting this adoption and he just said he wants to see his kid and that he doesn't want my DH raising his daughter. Guess what, DH already is raising her. A** Hole! He has done nothing up to this point.

I am feeling really discouraged. I guess I was just hoping he would give me the opportunity to change his mind. He is only thinking of himself. I know this is going to be a long process now. I don't know how I am going to make it.

[crabcakes]

With a whole lot of hope and determination -- that's how! Well, you still have a chance of him not showing up at the hearing so I'll pray for that. In the meantime, your daughter is loved and will always be cared for by our husband. Nothing will ever stop that.

[jsimon]

Do you think if he shows up then the judge will not grant the adoption?

We have a court investigator coming out to interview DH and the BF to give the judge a recommendation on the termination of parental rights. Do you think him just showing up will make the judge disregard their recommendation?

We are trying to prove him an unfit parent because of his criminal record and parole.

[crabcakes]

That recommendation is taken into consideration but it all depends. In other words, if the investagor doesn't reccomend TPR and he doesn't show up, it can go either way. Or if he does recommend TPR and doesn't show up, then the judge will most likely grant the adoption. If he shows up, the judge will not grant the adoption because he has not reviewed the facts -- your ex's criminal records and lack of support.

You're in CA, right? My county may be a little different, but as long as the BF shows up to contest, he will get his own court appointed attorney.

We had two investigations -- the social worker who recommended it and the probation officer who did not because he said that all it'll take to not recommend it was to get in touch with the BF and him expressing interest in the child.

[jsimon]

Yes we live in CA and yes he can get his own court appointed attorney. So I guess if he shows up, which he says he will, then they will schedule another court date where he will have an attorney. Am I on the right track?

This is so upsetting to know we (all of us fighting selfish Biological parents) are only trying to do what is right for our children.

He is being so selfish. He has never known her and then when he gets served these papers he decides to call child support services and tries to pay child support out of the blue. Luckily they told him he couldn't pay until we had another evaluation.

I look at it another way too. If he is so adamant about seeing his daughter and taking care of her then I guess he deserves the chance to prove it to me. But I am so sure that he will not hold up to his end. He is going to have to pay a supervisor for visitation and I don't think he is really thinking about that. All that money going to child support and visitation. How will he afford his beer and weed? I am already so tired of his crap. And to think there is more to come.

I don't know how you have done this so long? Anything new on your case?

[crabcakes]

After he gets a C.A. attorney and if your attorney has a good relationship with the judge and his attorney, they will most likely try to work something out so that he still gets to see your daughter as long as he consents to the adopion -- in other words, an open adoption. But you can add restrictions like if he ever violates his probation or caught with drugs, misses a scheduled visitation or lose contact for a certain period of time, he'll lose his visitation rights.

One thing you might want to do very quickly is have your attorney file the petition to terminate his rights since you already know that he's not going to consent. Because let's say he files for visitation or custody in family court which is a lot more favorable to the father than the adoption court -- he'll get visitation right away -- within weeks. However, if you've already filed the TPR petition, you can put a stay on any legal action he takes or combine the cases under the adoption court which is more favorable to the child's best interest AND avoid any court ordered visitations until the adoption case is done.

Nothing new on our case - we're going to a settlement hearing next week hoping that he will consent...but we shall wait and see.

[jsimon]

Thanks for bringing that up. Thankfully our Attorney actually filed the petition to terminate with the adoption papers. So that has been already taken care of. Our court date I am assuming is for both issues. We have paid for the court investigator to interview for the termination but I don't know when that will take place.


He couldn't file for visitation or custody because of his parole terms. He cannot be around her or have a relationship with her because she is a minor. I guess his parole officer could change that but who knows when that will be. When I talked to his PO he said he wouldn't change it but he told the BF something different. But cops can be shady and manipulative sometimes.

I wouldn't mind working out an open adoption deal. I know my DH wouldn't like it much but I reminded him why we were doing this. It was not to keep the BF away from her. We have plenty of other good reasons. So if it comes to that I think we would be willing, with some conditions.

Thanks for your input and advice. Much appreciated!

[jsimon]

The court Supervisor came to talk with us this morning. It was extremely nerve wracking and emotional. (Well I am pregnant too so that makes me emotional)

Anyway, he talked to DH and I together. Asked a lot of question. Like how did you get together. How do you feel about you DD being around the BF when he gets off parole. I don't know how we did. I feel more worried than before and DH for the first time said he felt worried about things now.

The Investigator also talked to my DD who is only 3 almost 4. She knows what is going on but she doesn't understand any of it. It especially does not help that she doesn't know her BF.

I don't know how to feel and I hate having to wait. I thought the Investigator would have said something before he left but he just said okay bye and walked out the door.

I guess we have to wait until July 7th when we go to court. This is so overwhelming!

[stepadoptionblog]

Calm down!!!! The court investigators don't usually say anything to the families before court, so don't stress, him leaving without giving you a word either way is not unusual! As for the BF, just because he says he will show up doesn't mean that he will. Remember you are asking a convicted felon to willingly go to COURT, he may talk big, but he doesn't have much to back that up.

Adoption is a very overwhelming process, but just calm yourself down and know that no matter what you are going to continue to do what is best for your daughter. Many parents say that they will fight, only to walk away without so much as a word afterwards. Don't give up hope. You have a good case for stepparent adoption, and just because the felon of a father says he doesn't want to give up his rights, does not mean that he will keep them. This is a judges decision now, not his, and not yours. Calm down, keep your head up, and don't let the BF rattle your cage, chances are that is all that he is trying to do!!!


http://stepparent.adoptionblogs.com/

[Mared2chuck]

Just hang in there. Before you know it he will be chasing some new skirt and your daughter will not be his focus any longer I was in the same situation. Once a little time passed and my ex found a new flavor of the month he agreeded to everything I wanted. It is sad to say but when they have such big ego's they tend to have short attention span's. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

[jsimon]

Thank you everyone for your support thus far.


Our Attorney talked to the court investigator and he said he is on the fence about his decision. He says terminating someones parental rights is a big decision and that he will probably ask for a medical evaluation of the BF. My Attorney is frustrated and I am flabbergasted. I cannot believe the investigator would even consider him a fit person to parent my DD. We got the police reports from BF's past convictions and you wouldn't believe what is in them. I wont get into it but this guy is sick. I will say he has a thing for 13 and 14 year olds. I guess the investigator could change his mind, he had not received the police reports as of when the Attorney called him. Maybe when he sees them he will be able to make a decision easier. So we will see what he decided on Monday. Our hearing is 7/10/06. I am anxious and looking forward to getting this first step out of the way. I know this wont be the end unless the BF doesn't show but I am pretty sure he will. He has a child support case the next day at the same place. Now he supposedly wants to pay child support! I cant believe this guy!

I will update everyone on Monday or Tuesday. Pray for us.

[crabcakes]

As I mentioned before, the court investigator's recommendation is NOT the final word -- by far. I had two studies - (1) social worker who recommended TPR and (2) probation officer who did not. The PO told us that if he could get in contact with BF and the BF expresses interest in the child, he would not recommend it no matter the criminal background or lack of support/contact. I think the SW is for assessing the quality of our family life, my husband and his relationship with DD. The PO is to determine if the BF has enough interest to not waste the court's time.

REMEMBER - the facts are not considered until it goes to trial. The only thing they will do at the first hearing is ask if BF will contest and then appoint him an attorney and reschedule another hearing...so don't expect much. But always REMEMBER that the FACTS are on your side.

I will pray for you...please keep us posted.

[jsimon]

The case has been continued until next month because the court investigator did not receive the BF's police report in time. The judge did issue the BF a court appointed attorney so that is out of the way. The judge mentioned mediation. We agreed but the BF did not. He is going to fight us all the way I guess. I really wish he would agree to mediation. He said all he wanted was to be able to see her, why isn't that good enough now? Anyway it was really stressful and I am not looking forward to the hearing next month. Our Attorney says we have a little more than a 50% chance of winning if he doesn't want to make a deal. I don't like those odds. We really need the investigator on our side. I hope he sees what we see on those police reports and recommends for the termination.

God give me the strength!

[crabcakes]

JSIMON - Check your PM.

[RiverBG]

I just read through your entire post and I will say that you have more strength than you know. I got some really good thoughts about my own situation. I am beginning to feel even more positive that my case will turn out the way I want it to. Thanks for your thoughts on my first post.

A number of years ago I worked in a family law office as a legal secretary. I learned a lot about family law and especially how the courts work. I think that no matter where you are in California, the game is pretty much the same. The system is infuriating, but I do know that the courts always go for the best interest of the child. Once the judges sees that your daughter is happy, safe and emotionally stable, he will grant you the adoption. Even if the BF plays along in the beginning, he will eventually mess up and you'll win. Just remember to always do what the courts ask and play nice with the BF. Keeping a journal is a great idea. If you email, save your emails and print them. Keep your responses coridal or professional. If they really tick you off, give yourself a couple of days to cool down and then reply to his email.

So I hope this helps, and keep your chin up. You will get through this and the outcome will be everything you want it to be.