[kibbygirl]

My ex-husband left when my son was 5 months old. My son is now 3 1/2 years old and my new husband just completed the adoption last month (we've been together since my son was about 14 months old). My son never saw his birth father after he was 5 months old and has only known his step-dad as "daddy."

When and how do i tell him about his birth father, especially because his birth dad has made no effort to make contact and willingly terminated his parental rights? I don't want to confuse him but I want to make sure i do the right thing.

Any advice would be helpful.
Thanks
Kim

[LadyBugz]

We just drop it into casual little conversations. Mine vaguely remembers him. We have a photo album with pictures of him in it with all the other albums. She periodically browses through there and asks questions. We discuss adoption in general to her whenever the topic comes up.

We tell her that we can make good decisions or poor decisions just in general conversation/discipline/etc. Whenever her bd comes up, we use that same terminology she already knows. We say that he unfortunately made some poor decisions. This was to distinguish him from being a "bad person," as she initially said. We told her he just had choices to make like everyone else and made poor decisions. We just treat it like a fact of life.

We never sat her down and dumped everything on her at once. It is just a gradual understanding as she matures that she can now handle the next deeper level.

We tell her that sometimes parents are not able to take care of their children. Sometimes they are sick, sometimes they are too poor, sometimes they make poor decisions, sometimes they have too many other responsibilities... Is that the child's fault? Nooooo! (giggle giggle) Who takes care of her? Mommy and Daddy! (giggle giggle)

We also point out other families and explain the diversity of them. When she notices that the neighbor girl lives with her grandparents, we talk about how there are all sorts of families. She is particularly fond of the idea that Jesus was raised by a "Daddy" who didn't make him just like she is.

Little conversations like that make it a known fact but not an emotionally charged one. One person in our family upon finalization announced that her bd would never again be mentioned, it was like he never existed. We think it is just better for her to grow up knowing the details in a matter of fact way.

[kibbygirl]

Thanks for that response--it's very helpful! I think I'll follow that lead.

[waitinginnj]

My sister had a very similar situation to yours. She followed similar steps as already shared. She also didn't push the issue all the time. She answered questions when they were presented in a factual, non accusatory manner.

My nephew seems to be very well adjusted and very loving to his Dad. He is 17 - so it seems like if there were going to be big issues the would have begun to surface. (Knock wood)

[stepadoptionblog]

Just talk about it here and there in little bits that you know he can understand. If you have always talked about it, then he will always know, and he can learn more as he grows older and can understand more. By always talking about it you will never have to sit down and have the big talk!