[dtmtrans]

From looking through other posts my situation is not a new one but I am very confused. I live in the state of Idaho have been married to my husband for 2 years and together for 4 years. I have 4 children from a previous marriage. The bio-father has not seen or spoken with the children in a year and a half or paid child support since Febuary.
My husband would like to adopt the 3 younger children (the oldest is almost 18 and getting married next year) and they want him to adopt them and be their legal dad as they put it.
We don't have a lot of money and I would like to do as much of this my self as possible to save on cost, but am not sure where to start.
The bio-dad tells mutual friends that it is my fault that he does not talk to the children and has in the past told the children that if I would not have gotten remarried he would see them. Also the bio-dad has a severe alcohol problem.
Any help would be appreciated.

[dtmtrans]

I just wanted to add that I am new to this site and still looking in the questions and answers of others for the answers to my questions. Thanks again

[numbr1dbcksfan]

He would have to give up his rights. Doesnt sound like he would do that... have you asked him? How old are your kids?

[dtmtrans]

Yes I have asked him and he says no way in ----. My girls are 17 years old and 14 years old my boys are 12 years old and 10 years old. All except my 17 year old want my husband to adopt them also. My 17 year old is getting married as I said and does not want to change her name twice. Part of all of our concern is what would happen to the kids if any thing happened to me. Thanks again

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Right. If he wont give up his rights, though, then the judge would have to terminate.. and it doesnt sound like there are grounds for that...

Maybe you could sit down with him and make a plan for what would happen if something should happen to you. He may be angry for you getting married..but he needs to hear that he is hurting his kids and to knock it off.

Maybe court mediation?? Maybe they will order rehab if he had such a problem... certainly family counseling...

It just doesnt sound like there is a reason to terminate... and as their dad, he should be included.. not pushed out. The kids can love their step dad.. but their father was already pre-determined and has been in that role a long time.. you cant just say... well now I want a new dad because he is not doing what I want him to do....

TALK TO HIM... get counseling with him and your family... You and your hubby divorced and you moved on... your kids and your hubby did not divorce and they all need to see this.

Adoption should not.. in my opinion, even been discussed with the kids knowing that it isnt going to happen. I would see it.... as Im sure he may... and a way to poison his kids against him.

As their mom and step dad you guys should really set them straight.

[dtmtrans]

I think that something was misunderstood here. It has been almost 2 years since he has even called his children and longer then that since he has seen them. I do have cause for termination. Abandonment is a cause and so is being an abusive alcoholic. The last time he spoke with the kids he told them that as long as I am married he will have nothing to do with them. Counseling and mediation were both tried after the divorce all to nothing good coming of it. I am sorry if I have in some way offended you but that was not my intent in trying to find out were I should start this process.

[hubbsgirl]

Different states have different laws, so you'll have to find out what the specific ones are in your state. Generally though, 2 years without contact is long enough to prove abandonment, and your children are all old enough to speak up to a judge and tell him it's what they want. I know money is tight, but since it's pretty obvious that your ex will fight this, you'll probably want a lawyer. My husband and I had to save money for a couple of years before we could do the adoption. The waiting was tough but it was worth it. Also if you have family that would like to see this go through they might chip in a little.

[dtmtrans]

thank you for the help. I have one more question. he moved in the past year and I do not where he is. How do I find him?

[hubbsgirl]

You can hire an investigator to find him. If you have his social security # it can be very easy to do. Also, you can search the 'net for him...that's how I found my ex. Or if you simply cannot locate him, you can publish a legal ad in the newspaper of the city he's in (or the last one you knew him to be in). Again, check the laws in your state, they may be different. If you hire a lawyer he'll handle this stuff for you.

[dtmtrans]

Thank you again you have been a great help.