[kjurgi]

My husband has just recently adopted my 4 1/2 year old daughter. Her father (my ex-husband) has been in her life since birth. Recently she just started asking when she will see him again and also is talking about him a lot which she never did before.

Does anyone have any advice on how to explain the situation without completing crushing the child? She is a very bright and perceptive child who is able to reason somewhat. I can explain why she needs to do something such as her medicine or swim lessons and she completely understands it.

I'm not sure how to tell her about this.

Kim

[spitzlvr]

You say her father has been in her life since birth. Will he continue to be around, or will she no longer be seeing him at all? If it were me, what and how I told her would depend on the answer.

[kjurgi]

He will no longer be in her life. I am not allowing it. He was able to see her up until the adoption was final which was last month. He wants to but I won't allow it so no he won't be in her life.

[spaypets]

Why? Is he dangerous?

[emilyangel]

I'm also curious why you don't want her father in her life. Not being anything but nosey here..lol (no judgement or anything!)

I'm in the process of divorcing my husband, and he will be terminating rights to our daugher. He has no contact with her, and I don't see him wanting that to change.

Anyway, my child is almost 4, and for the life of me I'm shocked that she never asks about him at all. Like once we no longer lived with him, he didn't exsist to her anymore, it's kinda odd.

I'm not sure how to explain to her either, because I do want her to understand it all..

Good luck!

[sugarbabysmommy]

Kim,
what you say to your daughter has everything to do with why her father is no longer allowed to see her. Since none of us know the answer to that, we can't help you with wording or how to say things etc. More info would help.

Jen,
Maybe your daughter doesn't ask because she feels she isn't supposed to. I never asked about my bio-father- not in 30 odd years- the unspoken message was that it was not a topic anyone wanted to discuss, though no one actually said that to me. Eventually he became a none person to me, I have only ever seen three pictures of him in my whole life, despite having had an ongoing (court ordered) relationship with his parents, my grandparents. He does not exist to me. I'm disappointed in the adults who could have helped make him real to me, who could have hepled me understand his place in the first two years of my life. The one adult I do not hold accountable is my (adoptive) dad, it wasn't his place to tell me, rather it was my mother's and grandparents'.

[emilyangel]

sugarbaby, thanks for that reply to my post. I want to help my duaghter, just don't know how. I ask if she wants to call him, show her pictures, she just, doesn't seem to remember him really. (when asked if she wants to call dad, she thinks I'm talking about my bf, who we live with, to her, he's dad)

Then again, this is a little girl who watched 'dad' beat me on several occasions, so maybe she just doesn't want to know this person exsists... I dunno.

His mother and I still have a wonderful relationship, and even when asked if she wants to talk to grammy, it's usually 'no', but she does say 'I miss grammy' at times... Just nothing about 'dad'... *shrugs*

[kjurgi]

He has never shown any violence towards me but in the past he has been known to be violent towards other people. He does have a very bad temper. Most of the time when we were married he would go downstairs when we were fighting so that he wouldn't hit me. Quite a few occasions he would get mad at me and would not want to take her so he would not take it out on her.

The reason I dont want him to see her is that I've fought with him over and over again about money and every other subject with regards to our daughter. He never wanted her to be involved in anything and felt that he really didn't have to pay for anything. He actually tried to take me to court over cutting her hair.

I won't let him see her as I really don't want his influences in her life and also I just feel that it will really confuse her with regards t this. Her name is different but she still sees him. She was beginning to get confused over everything as it was. She was calling her stepmother mommy and things like that. She was beginning to act out. Also I feel that since this was his idea to sign away his rights which was done for money reasons so that he would not have to support her that he also doesn't need to see her and confuse her life.

[spitzlvr]

I am not sure how to respond to your post, but I will try. Please, this is just my opinion.

You said when you fought, he knew he could get violent and got away from you so he wouldn't. I actually approve of that. He knew he couldn't handle it, and was able to remove himself from the situation.

You may have fought with him over money, but your 4 year old doesn't know that. Wether or not he wanted to pay for anything I have no opinion on, since I am only hearing one side of the story. But, he is still you child's father. You husband may have adopted her, but he still is her biological father.

I just hope you think about all the possible repercussions to you cutting off her contact. 15 years down the line, if she wonders about him and finds him, how will you respond when she asks why you didn't let her father see her, when both he and she wanted to?

Ok, I will get off my soapbox now.

[kjurgi]

I have thought about it. I've thought about it from the first day two years ago when he wanted to sign off on it. I've also thought about how his other two children have turned out. This isn't good. His daughter is 16 and still in 8th grade and dating boys from correctional schools. Her mother doesn't care and as much as he complained about it he has never tried to get custody of it. In fact he had nothing much to do with her during most of her life by his choice. Once she started wanting too much from him. Even with my daughter when she used to go to daddy's house she never mentioned her father. She always mentioned her stepmother. She never ever mentioned wanting to see her father. Also her father during most of this time will not even speak to me and has his wife do all the talking.

One comment that was made was the sooner the better We will have a couple of our own and raise them the way we want to raise them.

I watched my ex-husband sit there and with no problems at all say that he wanted to have no rights to his child. To me a real father would never do that. He quit a very good paying job so he wouldn't have to support her. He didn't care much about her for anything else. Whenever she was sick he would not have anything to do with her. Never even called to see how she was feeling. She started stuttering and he called me and yelled at me for having someone to teach her to stutter. His exact comment to me was I cannot have a child with a speech impediment. My daughter has asthma and whenever she was at their house they refused to give her the medication because they didn't feel she had the asthma but neither of them would attend her doctor's appointments.

All in all the best thing for her is to have her father out of her life. All there would be would be fighting. I even had to take him to court to have my daughter in my wedding.

Yes I have thought about it. I've thought a lot about it and I'm willing to take that chance to make her life better. All her life would be is mommy and daddy fighting and going to court. He wouldn't even allow her to attend a birthday party of any of her friends from day care if it fell during his time. His statement was she is 4 she doesn't need friends.

[spaypets]

But now he has no rights so there's nothing to fight about. So if she's asking to see him and he wants to see her, what's the harm? Let him take her to the park or out to eat or, here's an idea, put aside the past and invite the man to dinner.

As much as you would like to write him out of her life so you can pretend your new family is the only one she's ever had, you can't. She's half his biologically and she knows him and remembers him. And he was very protective of his time with her (so much that he didn't want to lose time with her so she could go to some other kid's birthday party). Honestly, if I saw my daughter only part time, I wouldn't want to waste it at some other kid's party. I'd want her to be with him.

Your daughter is grieving. She's telling you that by asking about him. You asked how to handle the situation without crushing her? Let her see her dad. Be the bigger person. Put aside your arguments with him and let a little girl see the father she has known since birth. He may be flawed, but she's obviously connected to him.

[kjurgi]

I am not allowing it. Also my husband won't allow it. I know what my ex-husband is like. He didn't even spend the time with her when he did have her. He would choose a car show over his daughter and he has.

It has nothing to me. I've hated this man for the last 3 years and still tried to be decent to him with regards to my daughter and for my daughter's sake.

I don't think I'm signing in anymore. It really feels like I am getting pressured to do something that really won't be good for my daughter in the long run.

I signed on here for help and I haven't really gotten. Her father has shown in the past that he should not have her. He has put other things before her.

I have never denied him any time. I have always offered him time if for some reason he could not see her. This was the case with my wedding, the birthday parties and everything else.

He set up the visitation it wasn't the courts. He went from seeing her twice a week and every other weekend from Friday to Saturday to every other weekend if he even did that. He went a month and a half not even seeing her or calling about her except to cancel his vistation about 5 minutes before he was to be there. This was all done on his own. He doesn't want to spend time with his daughter. He is making it so it looks like he does. He doesn't so anything with his daughter when he does see her. She is with her stepmother and that was proven by my daughter never ever mentioning him but always her stepmother.

Thanks and no thank for the help I received.

[emilyangel]

I'm really sorry you're feeling pressured here. I hope you come back and talk to people about this.

I'm not sure I understand what you're looking for, other than others' opinions. Maybe if you asked the queston differently, it might help.

Are you only looking for others who agree with you? Maybe if you said that, it would help.. Like, that you're not looking for an arguement, or an opposing opinion...?

Good luck!

[kjurgi]

I'm not looking for people who only agree with me. I'm looking for people who can help in a way that I can approach this with my daughter.

My ex-husband had put us out of the house in the middle of the winter so he can move his girlfriend in who was moved in within a month. I had to live with my mother and could not afford to live anywhere else. And no I couldn't go for governmental help as I was one of those people who didn't make enough money but at the same time made too much for help.

I'm saying about how he has treated his daughter during her time. He never wanted another child. He has only kept in touch with her so he can cause problems for me. That is his goal.

It doesn't seem to matter to anyone here that he never does anything with her when he had her or the fact that they refused to give her the medication she needs to control her asthma or that he cuts his visitation in more than half. Or chose a car show over seeing her.

All of those actions do not show a father that really cares about his daughter. He wants nothing to do with her if there is a problem.

My gosh he even said that that he can't have a child with a speech impediment. Aren't we as parents suppose to accept our children no matter what type of impediments or medical problems they may have.

Maybe I'm wrong. I thought you were suppose to accept your children with their problems not abandon them when they have them.

I was just looking for advice on how I might be able to approach this. Not looking for someone to agree with me. I completely understand that not everyone agrees with everything.

None of you have had to see her cry her eyes out when he calls and cancels his visitations. During those times I always lied to her and said he was sick. He really wasn't. The one weekend he forgot he was supposed to have her and made plans to go to a car show and would not change his plans.

I just needed advice on different ways to try and explain this to a 4 year old but obviously I'm not going to get that.

[emilyangel]

Trust me, I of all people, know about 'fathers' who don't give a cr@p about their children. My daughter's 'father' told me straight out 'I don't care about her and just don't want her in my life'... Kinda bites, doesn't it?

I don't think the posters here are saying how he acted/treated her, was/is okay! Honestly, I think people are just trying to understand why the child, if she's asking to see him, can't see him. As a parent, with a violent ex-husband, I do understand, but at the same time, would be okay with my ex seeing my daughter while supervised by me for a short time. That's it. That would be my only offer, it's that or nothing for them IMO.

I'm worried that you may be reading into replies a bit too much. Or maybe taking them a bit harsher than they were intended. If I were you, I'd probably be worked up by the replies as well, but I also know that I'm easily worked up and sometimes it's good to take a step back and look at it from someone else's POV.

Try to relax, and remember, there are plenty of people out there who 'get it', and plenty who don't. Take the good with the bad. What's said here certainly isn't gospel, and you don't have to listen to any of it. Take it with a grain of salt.

I'm not sure how to approach your child, as I believe that was your original question... How have you talked to her about this before? Maybe you can ask her some questions to get a feel for her actual perception of the situation.

Four year olds are tough to handle, and even tougher to 'figure out' at times. Give her some credit, maybe she understands more than you think.