[kjurgi]

Thanks. Maybe I am but from the way the posts were sounding it seemed like they were all just dimissing all the things that he has done.

Her father is not a good man. He thinks the world owes him a favor and that everyone is out to get him.

He wouldn't do any kind of visitation with my supervising. He wouldn't even deal with me on a face to face basis. He had his wife do it. I really think it is more his wife who wants to see her than him. He has never approached me regarding any of this. They had it at the point where they told me to not call their house until the day before they were to pick her up and that was only if she was sick or something had happened to her that would interfere with their visitation.

I think she might want to see her stepmother more than her father. She has always had a good relationship with my current husband.

That might work. I'm just trying to figure out a way to make her understand why she hasn't seen daddy. Yeah they can be especially when they are very bright. Maybe I will do that. I really appreciate what you've been able to say to me. Thank you very much

[emilyangel]

Her father is not a good man. He thinks the world owes him a favor and that everyone is out to get him.

Sounds like my ex!!! Seriously, men like this, just stink!

Honestly, I would put the offer on the table, supervised with you only, and if he says he doesn't want that, oh well HIS problem! You'd be offering much more than you have to, and it would be HIS choice to decline that. Since he's signed over rights, it's a done deal, nothing he can do, you'd already be going above and beyond. Ya know?

Honestly, it probably is the step-mother wanting to see her, for some reason women tend to think they can 'change' a man once they marry him, maybe that's what she's trying to do, fix HIS mistakes, but alas, she can't.

Good luck, and feel free to PM anytime!

[spaypets]

If your ex doesn't want to see her, then I suppose the explaination should be something like:

"Your dad has grown up problems that mean he can't see you. You haven't done anything wrong and he loves you a lot, but he isn't able to see you right now."

It's important that she knows this about the grown ups and not her fault. Make sure your current husband spends a lot of time fathering her. Stuff like this makes girls grow up to seek approval from men, usually the wrong ones. She needs to feel important to a man and loved. Fathers are really important to little girls.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well my daughter's bio father took me to court when she was 4. He is an awful person and did not care about her, only cared about winning.

What I tell her is that it is my job as her mom to protect her, and when she gets older and is an adult, if she decides to talk to him, that will be her choice. Right now, he has done bad things, and hopefully by the time she gets older he will have chosen another path-- but at that time it will be her decision to make.

She does have contact with her bio grandfather, so does have connection to family... but not him or his siblings. They dont even know we live in state again.

Right now she has her "daddy" (bio was not on the bc--- long story) and she knows that she has a bio father too and that will be something for her to sort out later...

I would just be direct... but make it clear that even though you and him fight, that when she gets older it will be ok for her to make a different choice. For now she will have to trust you.

PS

If she truly misses him, then you may offer to let her write a letter or draw a picture for him now and then.... ???

Christine

[kjurgi]

Thank you. I appreciate all of that. It has helped a lot with trying to figure out how to handle this.

As for my husband that is really no problem. He has thought of her since the day we first started dating. You see he had known me for a long time before we started dating.

I know that about the girls which is something that scares me. I know she needs to make sure that she feels loved by her adoptive father. Thank you very much.

I know the feeling. He really would not agree to these things so he could start fights with me and then try and turn it around that it was me being unreasonable. I've asked a lot of people including people who really don't like me and they have also agreed with me.

Even her dance teacher (which she just started this year among arguments with her father regarding this I went and did it anyway) noticed a change in her. She was more attached on the weekends that he went with him. If it was him that picked her up she was very apprehensive. Her stepmother she went running to.
I think maybe all of these ideas are good and I think I may find a way to incorporate all of these ideas.

Thank you.

[sugarbabysmommy]

I'm going to assume you are still reading. As I mentioned in my reply to Jen, no one spoke to me of my biofather, no one even asked what I thought about him being gone. This was hurtful. I was supposed to not talk about him, or my feeings about him, for the sake of all these adults. You can help your daugher by listening to her, by letting her know whatever she feels that her feelings are ok. Validate her feelings, no matter how much some of those feelings go against your grain. I think Christine and Spay gave great ideas for what to say to her, emphazing it is not because of her that he is not involved in her life.

You have said agian and again that he argues with you about everything, he can argue all he wants after he signs away his rights, but it makes no difference, he will have no rights. It takes two to argue, and once he signs away his rights you are no longer legally required to participate in any arguement. So like Jen said, it's your way or the highway if you offer a visit to either him and/or his wife. And speaking of his wife, if the two of you can work it out, maybe a visit from her every now and then (around her birthday, Christmas?) would be ok. If your daughter is very attached to her she may miss her very much. I get that you are concerned about her calling her soon to be former step mom "mommy" but with a few visits a year that's highly unlikely. If her biggest fault is loving a jerk, and she's a loving, positive influence in your daugher's life maybe you can work it out.

[lakimnafite]

I'm interested in following this thread. I don't think I have much to offer because I don't have any answers myself. In our case, it's biomom that is out of the picture. DS knows that 'he came from another woman's tummy' but that God made us a family. He does not know or remember her. I know as he gets older, questions will come up - especially why he wasn't allowed to see her. I will need to be prepared for good answers that will make him feel loved and valued, and not slighted or that he missed out on anything by not having contact with her.