[mattandjen]

My husband is trying to adopt my daughter , her biodad is not consenting so we have a hearing set to terminate his rights. We live in CA and it has been more than one year, 2 1/2 years to be exact, that her biodad has not had any contact nor provision. So according to the law it is considered abondonement. A social worker came out and interviewed our family and her recommendation is that the biodad's rights be terminated.
I just want to be prepared when we go to court, we are representing ourselves, so I have no idea what to expect. Is there anyone out there that has been through a termination of parental rights hearing in CA and knows what I can expect? Any bit of info will be helpful. Thanks!

[rastewartmt]

Hi There.
We've been through this. It was awful. First of all, the bio didn't appear and we had to keep trying again and again, setting new court hearings, each time having to emotionally prepare for the confrontation and all the turmoil involved. In Oregon, the courts are VERY careful about this kind of thing--they don't take it lightly. We really had to prove our case, and the most difficult and expensive thing for us was just trying to find him! He kept failing to appear and each time we had to prove to the judge that we had looked hard enough--putting public notices in, serving papers to his family members, etc. For me, as the bio-mom (husband adoption our son), the reality of having the courts decree that my son was "abandoned" by my ex was too much for me. I finally got him to consent to the adoption by agreeing to forgive all past child support if he signed off his rights. It worked for me--he's never been a parent to my son and it sounds like your situation is similar. I hope you'd be able to do it this way too because the reality of having to have his rights terminated by the courts is just sad. I understand it may be the only way though. Let me know what happens. We're also in the last stages of our stepparent adoption and have done it all ourselves since finally obtaining the bio's consent. We were frustrated by the expense and lack of results we had when using an atty. Good luck and God bless your family. R

[mattandjen]

R,

Okay well we went to the hearing this morning, he actually showed up! When the judge asked him if he wanted to contest, he paused a long pause and then reluctantly said yeah. It was un-nerving. The judge then said he had the right to an attorney, and rescheduled for April 18, they also appointed my daughter an attorney. I am so fustrated, I don't understand why he even showed up. He isn't doing this because he loves Kayla, it showed in his body language and attitude. I can't hold past due child support over him because the IRS just intercepted his tax refund. I'm so scared, I can't imagine my daughter having anything to do with him now. She has said she doesn't want to see him. The court ordered investigation says his rights should be terminated. Now we just have to fight him and pray! You'll have to keep me informed as well. Thanks for your reply, J

[rastewartmt]

Hi Jennifer,
God I feel for you. I remember exactly how stressful/emotional/scary! that day in court was. . .for us it came 2 years ago, 5 days after giving birth to baby #2. (I always have bad timing.) It was awful. He did the same thing, only he after a pregnant pause he said he needed more time to think about whether he'd contest (like the 5 years since he'd seen my son wasn't enough). In the end he didn't, just wanted me to beg him, I think. For me, I couldn't stand the thought that that sperm donor could have control over MY son, who is everything to us. Just hug your little girl close--that was comforting to me. The BF has a tough road ahead of him if he wants to contest it. . I don't know much about your experience but if you're going this far I could guess he hasn't been around much. . if at all like mine, you can show how he's neglected your child financially, shown up for visitation, no holidays, etc.

For me, if the BF contested I was going to fight him and terminate his rights on the basis of neglect and abandonment, which was just a terrible thought to me. I didn't want to have to do that--didn't want God and everybody to know that was what had happened to my sweet son. Plus it would have been ugly but I would have done it as long as I could. The whole thing is very expensive for both sides--does your BF have a court appointed atty? Oregon doesn't appoint attys for family law. For me, I knew BF couldn't fight because he didn't have the money. Not that we do, but I think we could bluff money for longer than he could. I'll definitely be thinking about your family and wishing you the best. . .Just know you're not the only ones going thru this exact thing. There are many wonderful, kind, and sharing people on this site who've lived this and will be glad to share their experiences and advice.

So you said the IRS has put a hold on his $$--Does he owe back support? From my understanding child support and student loans are the only things that aren't subject to bankruptcy and IRS withholdings. Even if he doesn't owe back support (my ex owes 30K), you can remind him that no further child support payments will be owed if he agrees. I went so far as mentioning thing he could do with the money he wasn't paying me--have a fancy car, make a new life, get married, etc. (He's a halfwit, he needed the help!) Anyway, I'll be thinking about you and email anytime. Good luck! Rebecca.

[mattandjen]

Yes, the courts appointed him an attorney! I don't understand the system, here's a dead beat dad who has had nothing to do with his daughter, we're trying to do the right thing for her and they GIVE him an attorney, they gave us nothing. Makes me a little angry. We were trying to do this on our own, however, we aren't going to chance it. We've retained a lawyer the best in our area. She just won a case last week where the BF was paying support on time for years however had no contact, his rights were terminated. It makes me feel better to have an attorney now that he has one. The court did appoint my daughter an attorney so that she can voice her wants without having to go into the court room. I am so sad that BF is doing this, he's shown no interest in his daughter, ever, but now he wants to fight me. It's all about control, he was abusive 10 years ago when we were together and he just keeps trying to hurt me. The sad part is he is hurting an innocent party, his daughter. He's got a rude awakening, because you don't mess with a momma bear and her cub!
I know this will all work out and I want to thank you for being here to share with me your experience as well. J

[rastewartmt]

Hi Jen--I think you're doing the right thing by hiring an atty. This is certainly not a place you're willing to risk anything by being frugal. We had a great atty too when we were battling my ex. I can relate to the issues of control--I think that is always an issue here, and also to your feelings of protectiveness-felt the same way, and the same sadness over the real victim in this. It's so frustrating as a mother to let this person you hate have this control over your child's life. It is total crap that he gets a free atty while you're going to have to pay out your ear.. .I felt the same way--the law is to protect HIS rights, not ours, tho we were the one who was the responsible party. It's almost behind me and the pain and anger of the situation is beginning to dull with time and I pray the same will come with you. It doesn't help us to be bitter or angry. . .he wins by upsetting you. Just take it in stride and know that you are the righteous party in this. In the end, you'll be the one left with your daughter, just as you have been all along. This is only temporary--that is what I kept as my mantra--things soon will return to normal and he'll disappear from your life again. Then you can do your family a favor and forget him. I'm working on that right now. .easier said than done, huh? Keep in touch--or you can email my box here privately anytime. I'll keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers. Rebecca.

[mattandjen]

Thank you for the encouragement!
Jen

[cwgrl282001]

Can I ask how old your daughter is? I am going through the exact same thing you all are, but I have 2 kids who told off their dad. My son said you only see us 3 times a year and that has only been happening for 2 years since shawn moved in. that is the man im dating we dated for 2 years before he moved here because he was in the military. omg what jerks there is out there in the world. let us live our lives and move on. my kids are 7 & 9...