[BlessedNavyWife]

My situation will probably sound like other's you have read, but IMO it is very different and any help would be greatly appreciated. So far, after searching and searching..I have yet to find the answers to my questions.

I am a proud step mother to a wonderful 11 year old. Her Bio father and I have been married 10 years and gained custody of her 2 years ago, after the Bio Mother abandoned her. We had been searching for DD for about 5 years when an Aunt contacted us to inform us of DD's situation. We drove across country, picked her up, went to the courts where we were awarded sole physical and legal custody. (DH and I both share this). Legally, I am considered her "Step-Mom"...however...I am her Mother in every sense of the word..except for biology.

We obtained legal assistance back in August, 2004 and were told to "wait" we had to wait for, letters to be sent out, an ad to be placed in the paper, paper work to be drawn and everything else that goes along with it. I sat and waited patiently for 5 months without a single phone call. I finally called the legal office, only to be told that the lawyer we had working on our case was transferred and our case had been closed! Initially, it was so smooth, everything was in order, all of our ducks in a row, so to speak. Well, this new lawyer...she has made my head spin with new information. She tells me, that she can not draw up any paperwork until we find the **. As I stated previously..the ** abandoned DD, no where to be found. A story many of you have heard before I'm sure. Druggie, homeless, alcoholic..just to name a few. DD was abused, neglected in more ways than one and came to us frail, hurt, scared and for lack of a better word..damaged beyond belief. In either event...** can not be found. So, the new lawyer says we HAVE to have an address for her before she moves forward with our case. She also stated that we will HAVE to have a home study done. My previous attorney mentioned NOTHING of this!! He said everything was PERFECT and that it was just a matter of waiting out the process and now we are sickened to think that a private investigator will have to "try" to locate **.

I'm so sorry this is long, please bare with me. It's been a very trying time...as I deal with this...my DH is deployed over seas and we were hoping that this would be finalized before his return.

BTW..we live in Virginia...just in case the laws differ.

TIA for ANY information, advice or help you can give!

*Edit, sorry, new to this and not sure why "B.M." came up **...just in case, ** stands for Biolocial Mother.

[desertdad]

I would get a new lawyer right away! While it is probably true that an effort must be made to terminate parental rights (not likely that was done with the custody judgement, but it could have been) there is probably not a need to go to a whole "private investigator" effort to locate the **. If you have been included in the custody judgement, there will probably be no need for a home study ... but even if that is required, it is a process well worth the effort to stabilize your family situation. Good luck.

[BlessedNavyWife]

Thank you DesertDad for your reply. I would love to hire another lawyer..however, the military has appointed one to us and it is free. If I hire another one..basically I end up paying the costs of a civillian attorney. Which, in the normal civillian life, that wouldn't be a problem (other's have to pay for one, so why shouldn't I, right?) I have tried to find the laws of step-parent adoption in my state, but haven't been able to find squat. I just find it odd that our previous lawyer said everything was perfect and our current lawyer says it is not. Everything points in the same direction as what you said...get a different lawyer and be done with it..while a part of me is still curious as to why they say 2 different things. You are right...if it is required to have a home study, the payoff will be well worth it, as I'm sure once the adoption is finalized..I'll look back at all this and wonder why I stressed myself out so much ) Thanks again and anyone else with information..PLEASE reply! I need all the assistance I can get.

[ginaarmien]

Other than a new lawyer you may consider a paralegal. They are not allowed to give you legal advice, but they can file all the needed papers to get it done. I seem to be promoting them a lot around here lately. It cost me less than $1,000 for all of it (paralegal, court filing fees, publication costs, notaries, etc).

My husband and 4 yr old daughter's adoption just went thru in Jan and we got her new birth certificate recently. I know in FL atleast that you need "last known address" of bio-mom. For my case I used the apartment complex's club house b/c I didn't know my ex's apt # or bldg # but knew he used to live in that complex. They needed the address to publish in the paper and send a notice of intent for adoption in case bio-parent still lingers and wants to show up for court.

Not sure what the history is with her not having custody anymore, but are you sure her rights have not already been terminated? On behalf of the new lawyer (not that this is right but...) sounds like she got dumped on. All the cases that prev lawyer "got rid of" like yours before he trasnfered out are his mess but her problem. From an employee stand point that SUCKS! Have you told her that prev lawyer did not ask any of this info to see if maybe laws have recently changed (that happend to a friend of mine) for stepparent adoption in your area? Also, if prev lawyer didn't tell you he was leaving or anything about his transfer, maybe he did not know best... just all around not too thorough??

I ran into a "snag" with what I thought at the time was a jerk of a judge. The first time we go to court (last october) there was a mix up on judge's docket and we were not on any judge's "to do" list. This one judge agreed to see us "quickly" and we entered with the mindset that "this is it, it's over, today's the day"... Judge says we haven't done our part to find bio-dad (who'd been missing 2+ yrs) he had the nerve to ask us if we checked directory assistance for him we told him we did and he turned and had his secretary call information and ask for listings in his name. Of course there were none!! But it erked me that he called us liars in open court. He told us that he would NOT sign the adoption until we did a "putative father registry search" some stated have it some don't, FL just got one a few years ago. So we left... I balled my eyes out, my 4 yr old was confused (we told her we needed more papers to finish her adoption, she remembers our wedding so we tried to explain things in 4 yo terms)... we did the search and went back to court to see the judge we should have seen originally. He says "well now your ex has no leg to stand on if he tries to dispute this in the future. you've been very thorough with doing the search" (as if it were our idea) and he signed the papers and that was that! Long winded I know... Point is, sometimes it seems like a set back but better to do above and beyond with these things than have issues with ** a few years from now.

Best Wishes1

[BlessedNavyWife]

Wow, Gina, I am so happy for you and your family. What a huge blessing! I can only hope ours turns out that great.

Thank you for the words of encouragment..you are right. Sometimes it takes a bump in the road and I pray we get through this with the final outcome in our favor.

Our previous lawyer didn't state any of the information that the new one is. I'm not exactly sure why he was transferred. He seemed as if he knew what he was doing. I had a few meetings with him before he even gave us a heads up that everything was going fine. The last meeting I had with him was when he stated that all of our ducks were in a row and everything looked perfect.

And of course, it's a big blow when the new lawyer, out of the blue tells us otherwise. I will do whatever it takes, but I'd like it to be as painless as possible for all of us. Emotionally and financially.

To me, it's very apparent that ** has no care in the world for my daughter. If she did, she wouldn't have abandoned her in the first place. Even if she has had time to think about it, she has made no attempts in contacting us in 2 years. We are listed and have lived at the same address for the past 8 years. Her loss..our worry.

My DH should be coming home soon from over seas. I really wanted this complete before his return, but it's not going to happen, since emotionally, I need him around to continue on with it. I have been thinking about it a lot and will probably call our current lawyer soon, just to let her know that I don't want our files to be closed, to keep them open until my DH comes home. Then, whether we want to continue to persue it with her or, find a civilian lawyer.

I still find it odd, that the first lawyer said nothing of a home study, while the 2nd lawyer is saying it's a requirement. I even called the courthouse inquiring about it..I got less then a friendly person on the phone who let me know that she can't give out any legal information. I asked her if where I could just find out the laws in the state..she put me on hold and never came back.

Anyone know where I can find step-parent adoption laws in the state of Virginia? I've googled it a hundred times and could come up with nothing.

Thanks again!

[ginaarmien]

Hi again! I googled "virginia adoption law" and came across these sites that might be helpful. If you look for step parent adoption you don't find much. Try searching for adoption and then in the law there is typically a subsection little clause about the step parent adoptions. Sometimes they have different names for step parent adoption which may be why your searches are so unsuccessful.

http://www.theadoptionadvisor.com/virginia.html
http://www.adoptionlawsite.com/faq.asp
http://www.megalaw.com/top/adoption.php

I don't know much about the home study. We didn't need one in my case. I was under the impression that those were used most often in standard adoptions or if the ** were challenging the adoptive home or if for some reason the judge feels its needed.

You may also want to try http://www.rapidlaw.net/Adoption.html you answer a questionnare they fill out the forms and send them to you to be signed and notarized. Then you have to file the papers with the court (there are usually more fees involved in the actual filing with court). They can't give you any legal advice is all.

Hope it helps! I can't help but trying to tell everyone the little 2 cents that I know, if it helps at all then maybe all my trouble will profit more than just my family.

Best Wishes!