[sharky8mup]

our step parent adoption is final and we are thrilled! my dh adopted our daughter who he has been daddy to since before we were married in early 2001. dfather had little interest (sent an occasional (maybe yearly?) letter to inqire about her well being and once attempted to visit, but cancelled last minute.then in late 03 sent a letter from atty requesting visitation court finally awarded him visits in 04, twice monthly, but he thought that was too much, and after a few visits and a few months of paying child support, he requested a step parent adoption. we were thrilled. we finalized in decmeber 04 with no problems. then before christmas we got a card from him signed "daddy" and a phone call asking if we would think about coming to visit. though we made arrangements to keep open contact with grandparents and great grandparents, and always had, regalrdless of bfather's involvement, there were no stipulations as to contact from him after the adoption...i am not sure what to do. any suggestions?

[SummerMommy]

If he's given up his paternal rights, then he's as entitled to the term "daddy" as the mailman is!

You don't have to grant him any visitation! Your child's new (adopted) father is the only father who matters at this point. Her bio dad has zero rights.

I do, however, still maintain contact with bio dad's parents. It's not their fault that bio dad is a deadbeat!

Summer

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by SummerMommy

Your child's new (adopted) father is the only father who matters at this point. Her bio dad has zero rights.
Summer

While the birthfather has no rights, I strongly disagree that the adoptive father is the only one who "matters at this point". The fact is your child is connected to the birthfather. It matters to her a great deal to know that he loves and cares even if he is not able to be a full-time parent. No, his role is not that of parent, he gave up that right, but that does not mean that he has no role at all. For your daughter's sake, I think it is important for her to know that she has room in her heart for all of you.

[meganlea]

My son was adopted by family friends... so it's not quite the same but being the bmom my thoughts would be a dad is not a part time lifestyle and he has made his choice by allowing the child to live a life with a full time father. A sperm doner does not equal a father. Stability for the child is the most important thing and if the baby is confused about why a parent only comes to visit when convienant then this can set an emotional trend. The aparents of my son allow me the right to visit whenever, however I do not want to confuse my son, so I decided for an occasional visit while he was a baby, but now that he is almost three I worry that he can not seperate between the 2 moms. So the amom and I communicate a lot and I talk with my son on the phone as a friend and when he is older we will explain it better. My first priority is his stability.
So please do NOT be hard on yourself when you place the babies life before the bfather. I wish you the best!

[sharky8mup]

thank everyone for our input! i certainly do appreciate getting the chance to see this situation from someone else's standpoint!

[2boyz1girl]

sharky, my dh also adopted my oldest son and (luckily?) his bfather has made no attempt at contact since. He's even run into my parents in the grocery store a couple of times and hasn't even mentioned my son (idiot!). However, we recently adopted our little girl and I see adoption very differently now. We maintain contact with her bfather (we would offer her bmother a similar relationship, but dd came through foster care and we have no idea where her bmother is now). The point in an open adoption is for the child to see that their birthparents love them, that it's not the child's fault that they aren't raising them, and to provide them with information about their biological history. Don't look at it so much as a "favor" to your ex, but as a benefit to your daughter. You don't HAVE to let him see her, but I try to remember that I will one day have to answer to my children about why their bparents aren't in their lives, and I don't want to give them any reason to be upset at me about it. Also, if your dd is old enough to know who he is, it would not be a good thing for her to form the belief that people she loves just go away. Unless there is a major reason that he shouldn't see her (abusive, etc.), I would just set some strict boundaries and proceed cautiously.

However, I agree that he should not be called "Daddy". Our dd's bfather calls himself "B-da S." (stands for birth dad), but we just refer to their birthparents by their first names.

[sharky8mup]

2boys1girl,

thanks for your input, and congrats on both of your adoptions! i think you have a very well thought out approach to dealing with this situation... i am hoping that in our situation, b-dad will eventually come to think in terms of what is in her best interest, but at this point i am not totally convinced (really not even partially convinced) that is the case, so for now we are ask him to communicate by writing, (and sign with his first name ) and given a little time, he will be ready for this, and we will too! thanks again!

[txtaylor]

Well my situation is about the same, but different. My 7 year old's bf got out of prison in February of '04. He and I are still friends to this day. We were once married and in love, but we grew up and became friends. Anyway, he finally met his son outside of prison walls in April of '04. I had been remarried by 3 years at this point and my husband was "daddy" to my son. He's been a part of his life since he was 20 months old. He knew of his bf, but he also knew who his "daddy" was. Anyway, to make a long story short the bf came for several visits with my son. My son was a little fearful at first because he was afraid, but has come around and has become friends with his bf. Bf comes for holidays, birthday and get togethers, but in July of '04 he decided that it was in our son's best interest for my husband to adopt. We went through the process and the adoption was finalized on December 8, 2004. Even though the bf is not legally bound to my son any longer he still visits. We are good friends and we are showing my son that there are many people that love him and care for him, but he has the stability of having his Mom and Dad in the same house. He no longer is fearful of being taken away from his Dad. So, yes I understand you wanting to protect your daughter, but I also understand the need for your daughter to know where she came from. Have him start by talking to her on the phone or writing her letters. Tell him he is not to be addressed as "daddy" she has one. My son calls his bf by his first name. Once they have some kind of rapport going on then maybe you can make some type of arraingments to visit face to face. Don't cut off your nose in spite of your face it will come back to bite you. Take care and Good luck!!!

[ingodshands]

Quote:

"If he's given up his paternal rights, then he's as entitled to the term "daddy" as the mailman is!

You don't have to grant him any visitation! Your child's new (adopted) father is the only father who matters at this point. Her bio dad has zero rights.

I do, however, still maintain contact with bio dad's parents. It's not their fault that bio dad is a deadbeat!"

OUCH.....maybe you need to think about how you word your feelings a little better......I'm sorry, but to me, your words are offensive.....whether her bio dad has any rights or not, he is still her biological father.

Collette

[kcarter]

I have quite a bit of insight into this. One being that I am adopted myself. My parents are my parents no matter what. If I were to ever meet my birth parents, there is no way I could ever refer to them as "mommy and daddy". On the other side, my husband and I are trying to get the ball rolling on him adopting my 3 year old daughter. I started dating my husband when my daughter was 4 months old and she calls him "daddy". She has extremely minimal, if any, contact with her bio dad, but when we speak of him, we call him by his first name. After the adoption goes through (everyone cross your fingers it will be an easy process for me!) we hope to keep her bio dad up-to-date and offer visitation if he would want it (which I highly doubt he does.)

My point on this is that a "daddy" is not necessarily the man that contributed to your blood type and gene pool. A "daddy" is the man that gets up with you in the middle of the night to change your diaper, feed you a bottle, fixes your skinned-knees, etc. All of which my husband has done and not her bio dad. Explain to the bio dad the confusion for the child and when your child is old enough, he can decide on his own who he considers the "daddy" in his life.....and trust me, he'll know. I did.