My fiancee wants me to adopt her daughter. Her daughter called me dad since the age of five. I left to the military and had to be away for a year. Since I have been gone my step daughter has been out of control. She chases boys and smokes drugs at the age of tweelve. We asked her if she wanted me to adopt her and she said yes, but I am afraid she needs discipline to help her. I am afraid if I try to help her she will resent me and not consent to me adopting her. Also some feuding trouble making cusins of hers has told her to not listen to me before because I was not her real dad. I am afraid if they find out I am adopting Heather that might try to influence her again. Is it true that a rebellious trouble making child who is failing in school and using drugs has the right to say -weither the only one she has ever know as father, should adopt her or not. Again she is telling me and my fiancee yes right now( By the way we are getting married next week), but I am afraid by the time she becomes a teenager she will change her mind. Help Me.........

[Byngee12]

Originally posted by SuperDad
My fiancee wants me to adopt her daughter. Her daughter called me dad since the age of five. I left to the military and had to be away for a year. Since I have been gone my step daughter has been out of control. She chases boys and smokes drugs at the age of tweelve. We asked her if she wanted me to adopt her and she said yes, but I am afraid she needs discipline to help her. I am afraid if I try to help her she will resent me and not consent to me adopting her. Also some feuding trouble making cusins of hers has told her to not listen to me before because I was not her real dad. I am afraid if they find out I am adopting Heather that might try to influence her again. Is it true that a rebellious trouble making child who is failing in school and using drugs has the right to say -weither the only one she has ever know as father, should adopt her or not. Again she is telling me and my fiancee yes right now( By the way we are getting married next week), but I am afraid by the time she becomes a teenager she will change her mind. Help Me.........

A 12 year old will stand before a judge and be asked the same question whether or not there are behavior issues. It makes no sense IMO that you would wonder if you should seek help for a child who according to you is abusing drugs, failing school, chasing boys and other things because she may not consent to being adopted by you. So do you deny her help so that she'll consent to be adopted? I am very confused. Tara

[SuperDad]

Thanks Tara,
My step-daughter needs disipline, but my in laws want to have a popularity contest. They have never really accepted the fact that I am trying to be her father. They feel that they are blood so she should listen to them over me. They come into my house and tell her not to listen to me because I am not there real dad. One aunt insist on being called grandma, and tells her not to listen to me until I buy a house and not rent an apartment. Most of them do this behind her mother's and my back. I can not compete finacially with them. Together they bribe her with gifts and things that I can not afford. Also when I tell her she can't have something she calls them and asks them for it. Some of the items I don't aprove of like the close they buy her are to revealing or have unappropriate language on them. They spoil her while I try to teach value. I offer all my time for her and do what ever she wants to make her happy. I would do anything for her. My in laws never try to teach her right from wrong or anything else. They don't even offer there time. I know I love my step-daughter more than anyone coulld even imagine. My time is totally devoted to her and her mother, while all they can do is send money. Money and blood relatives seem to be more important than what I can offer. They will never be able to offer her the good example, teachings, and love I have- but it is so hard to get this point across- what can I do?????????????

[dragonfly72]

She is 12 and at that age she is also going through the not being a child but not being an adult. Middle school ages are difficult times for many children and not knowing where to fit in. The in-law family to me is something that your wife should put her foot down on. If they send gifts you all feel are inappropriate send them back or do not allow her to wear them.
Not to offend you but it seems that you are allowing them to make money and blood more important than the support and love for her. Maybe you and your wife need to take a stand together and if need be cut contact with the family back a bit.
I had to do it with my family and it works. They didn't like but they didn't have to it was our decision as husand and wife and it was what was best for our child.