[mnk]

We are very confused and hurt and would like advise on the following step parent adoption issue: Sorry for the long story but this is somewhat complicated.

My husband adopted my son, his step son when our son was 12. He raised him since he was 7. All along , although the biological father was over 50,000 in child support arrearages and had not visited in over 8 years, we kept in touch with the biological grandparents and family on the bio father's side. Because we knew of the issues that our son would have in the future we wanted to keep all avenues open so that if his bfather chose he could contact him he could find him. At age 19 when our son went college his bfathers birth family provided the bfather with his phone number and address , that in itself would of not been a problem since we knew all along why we had kept the avenues open , however we wish someone would of thought of the family as a whole and advised us of what was coming. Needless to say , within the last six months our son, ended up dropping school which he had told us he was going to finish just a few weeks prior. He joined the NAVY and is scheduled to leave for the Navy in Jan. Now he came home after a 3 wk visit with his b father where he went to attend his bfather's 3rd wedding and advised us that he will be going back for another 2 months to visit wiht this bfather three continents away. He is already calling bfather "dad". We had to almost plead with him to at spend the holiday season with us and his six brother's and sister s because he seems to be in a strange sort of daze , idolizing this person , who he barely knows. The more we try to talk to him it seems the more he shuts us out. His father has not called to try and do anything for our son , note he is a pilot that dodged child support by workiing for cash in a foreign country. To us it seems that he has called to have our son meet his needs more so than our sons. Now the last blow we are having to deal with is that our son is contemplating changing his name and perhaps trying to overturn his adoption. Note. We have six children of which he is the oldest. His sibling are hurt, I am very hurt as his bmother, and my husband who was all ways there for him, I can not even imagiine. OUr son seems very confused and may be making decisions that he may regret later. Lately , I feel our son is kind of shunning my husband and seems to even be some what isolating himself from all of us. We are trying to empathize with his needs as well as the needs of the bfather which is why we have been supportive thus far. The bfather had promised us when we first spoke and agreed to help our son go see him that he would not interfere in the adoption nor my sons name and would not try to take the place of my husband. We do not know where all this is comming from or how to go about it. We are hopiing once our son leaves for the Navy that it will all subside and he will be thinking clearer, however we are scared because things have been said to him that are obviouely untrue, for example that my son had been hid from the bfather by the bfather, I say obviously untrue because my son has had a relationship with the bfather's family all through his life and there is proof that my ex husband allways knew where we was. It seems to me that he did what he did in order not to pay child support as cruel as that seems to the average joe, specially from a man that could afford it. However I feel my son wants to believe any thread that would what his bfather's dad did excusable. We all ways advised him to forgive and we thought it would be healthy to keep the lines open with the bfathers' family . We were even hopefull for the reunification. Now we are the ones , dazed and confused and feel that everything we have all ways heard was the right thing to do in these type of case has backfired in this case. Anyone out there with any information please advise . The name changing just seems to be to much betrayal to handle. Should we set boundaries at this point, would it help. We have read so many stories where the children were not adopted and yet changed their name to honor the people that were actually there for them. This has come as such a shock. Should DNA link be more powerful than the love and sacrifices that we have made to give our son a home and a family , while his bfather, has never given up time , finances or anything for our son. We do not want to hurt or confuse him anymore than we feel all the people we have shared our son with have done so all ready. We love him and would rather take the pain than inflict more loss and pain on him, however this is effecting all of our family unit. Does anyone know if he would be able to reverse his adoption. Any cases out there were the step parent parent adoption has gone this way? Any better solutions we can pose to our son?

I'm sorry, but yes, the DNA link is more powerful. You're concerned about betrayal? Every kid wants to know who they are and where did they come from. I respect you as a Mother, but you haven't been in that position.

You also said that he is contacting his father "who he barely knows". I'm a 41 year old girl who contacted her Dad 30 something years later. I'm adopted to my step dad. My mother will hate me when she finds out. I've also looked into disolving the adoption. or...Dad adopting me back.

It's huge. I can't explain it. My Dad didn't pay child support. The way I see it, that's my mom's issue. It has nothing to do with me.

Your son has a right to know his Dad. It may backfire. You need to be there for him if it does go South. He just may end up with a great relationship and you should support that too. Why are there so many people here looking for their birth parents? There is that "need to know".

My best...

[PamelaC]

in life. I was 17 when I was adopted by my step-father. My mom had remarried when I was 10, so I knew my bio-father. But my dad was the one who has always been there for me. I would never to anything to hurt him. So I do not think DNA is more important. I do not see my bio-father and never plan to. Maybe the difference is that I knew him as a child. I never felt the need to know anything more.

I hope you and your family can work this out. Don't give up on him. I really think people go back to the ones that love them.


JMHO

[ClarissaJ17]

Originally Posted by SueZ

I'm sorry, but yes, the DNA link is more powerful. You're concerned about betrayal? Every kid wants to know who they are and where did they come from. I respect you as a Mother, but you haven't been in that position.

You also said that he is contacting his father "who he barely knows". I'm a 41 year old girl who contacted her Dad 30 something years later. I'm adopted to my step dad. My mother will hate me when she finds out. I've also looked into disolving the adoption. or...Dad adopting me back.

It's huge. I can't explain it. My Dad didn't pay child support. The way I see it, that's my mom's issue. It has nothing to do with me.

Your son has a right to know his Dad. It may backfire. You need to be there for him if it does go South. He just may end up with a great relationship and you should support that too. Why are there so many people here looking for their birth parents? There is that "need to know".

My best...

In my opinion, DNA is not that important. I understand wanting to know where you came from, asking questions and moving on (which is what many people do). Your "true family" is the family that watched you grow up and was there for you every step of the way.
As for the child support, it's not just your mom's problem, it's yours too. It shows lack of caring and commitment by your biodad for your financial security. Sorry if it sounds harsh, not meant to.
Dissolving the adoption, that is your decision. Just know you will deeply hurt the father that raised you and loved you. JMHO... Good luck