[Just Julie]

Six months ago my son married a woman who has never married but who has a nine year-old daughter. The birthfather is out of the picture, may even be deceased, and my son and his wife are looking into step-parent adoption. Over the last several months he has tried to get this sweet girl to call him "Dad", but she won't. If he were to listen to me, I would have told him him to tell her once that it is OK with him if she calls him "Dad" if and when she is ready and then leave the ball in her court by never mentioning it again, but he has tried to pressure her. He really does love this child from the time he met her and has a great relationship with her. So stepparents, when were you first called "Mom" or "Dad"?

[#1Mommy]

When my dh and I got engaged, we explained what it would mean to my son. We told him that I would be like his mother and that he may call me by my first name or that he could call me mommy. That was good 4 months before we got married, and I never mentioned it to him again. I am not sure if is father did or not, but when we got married, he started calling me mommy right away. We took a lot of time preparing him for our new life, and let him make the decision which helped make it easier for him, if that makes any sense.

[julie23]

my daughter was six when I met who would become her stepfather..... we had her call him by his first name.... after we became engaged (about six months later)... she was so excited.... she really wanted to call him dad... and we said "no... you can call him dad AFTER the wedding"... we didn't live together before the wedding.... and the day of the wedding... she was SOOOO EXCITED to call him dad.... during the ceremony, she pinned a "new dad" ribbon on him....

our ceremony was soo awesome.... we had a childrens choir, my daughter was escorted down the aisle AFTER I came down... and she stood with us the whole time.... almost all the songs were disney songs....(the love songs, of course).... we had a special childrens sermon.... it was super child friendly... our pastor has passed on our idea's to other soon to be step families....

we have been very happily married for seven years.... and have added two more girls to our harem....

good luck

[Wingless]

julie that was sooo sweet!! I am sure the day was extra special for everyone.

My boys were only 3 and 5 years old when they met there now step-father. For my youngest, he never even remembers his dad residing with us, so his acceptance of my new husband's role in his life was much easier. For my older son, even 5 years later, he never refers to Jeremy as anything other then Jeremy, or "My mom's husband". (He almost NEVER even says step-dad.)

We also have added to our family, two more (I feel like Noah some days) this time daughters. Obviously they call their dad - "daddy", but the girls also refer to their brother's dad as "Tyler & Trevor dad". I haven't ever seen the need to force them to refer to him by his first name, just as I have never pushed the issue about the boy's referring to Jeremy as anything other then Jeremy.

This is an interesting thread, because it corresponds back to a discussion I have had numerous times in reference to what a birth family should be called (or what the birth child should call his birth family). We are a society of titles. We have acronyms, initials, letters and names that all define some level of identity to ourselves. We see the letters MD and we know that person has achieved some level of knowledge most of us do not possess. We add the title Aunt to define a certain role within our family unit. (A female sibling to one of our parent's)

But what happens when we give honorary titles? An Honorary Doctorate? An "Aunt" out of association. A "mother" out of love and nurturing? We see those titles as being "earned". Somewhere that person has earned the right to be called Doctor, Aunt or Mother .... but the thing is, no mater what they are called - their role is not defined by the labels placed on them - but solely on the people they are. Our relationships do not have to have titles to make them meaningful. Just as my signature line says ... the importance in my husband's life to my oldest son is very apparent by the love he gives... and even a nine-year-old child is aware of that - even if he refers to him only as "Jeremy".

I have four children. I also have a child placed in an open adoption. That means my children have a sibling not being raised in our household. When we all get together - we are 9 people that all have an incredible connection through one (very adorable too I might add) little boy. He is biologically my birth son. But he is his parent's child. So to all of us, he is just simply Zak. We don't focus on his title, his place - we only focus on loving him. There may be a day these five kids all get together and decide their sibling bond is very important to them. When - if - how ever that happens is fine by all the adults in their lives, but we are not pushing to define what "should be" their titles now.

I hope your son sees that his role in his step-daughter’s life is far more important then the name she uses to address him. You don't have to have a title to love - or be loved - with your whole heart.

~Wingless