[littletanzy]

I am a stepmother to a 10 year old girl, Destiny. Her mother is not out of the picture (not legally), but has been in and out of jail for the last 4 years. Des lives with her father and I, and when her mom is not in jail, we let her go to her house and visit. Her mother lost custody of all 3 of her kids due to drugs. Like I said, she has been in jail for the last 4 Christmas's, the last 4 birthdays, basically the last 4 years period. Even when she wasn't in jail, most of the time she wouldn't come see her kids because she was too busy maintaining her "habit".
We are very open about things with Des, and she knows that her mother has problems. Sometimes I feel I may be a little too blunt about things with her, but if she asks, I tell her.
The problem is, I've been the only mother figure in her life for the last 4 years, but she still worships the ground her mother walks on, even though she knows her mom would rather be out on the streets than with her. I know she is still young and doesn't understand the "ways of the world", and that all she really wants is her mom's attention, but how do you compete with that? Even though I'm the one there for her all the time, and I'm the one she turns to when she needs something, she'll drop me like a bad habit when her mom comes around. I'm not going to take it out on her, because like I said, she's still young. But what do you tell yourself to keep from getting frustrated or upset with her?
Any advice would be appreciated!!!!!!

[Cheryl62]

Amy:

This sounds like such a hard situation for you, and for Destiny. My situation was nowhere near as difficult, but maybe still would be helpful.

My husband is step father to my two daughters from my first marriage. Their father was not at abusive, or into drugs. He just didn't care much. He hated responsibility, hated having to be where he said he'd be, look after them on his once in 14 days visitation, etc. We separated/divorced when they were really little (2 and 4). My girls ADORE their father. I kinda "get it" in their case, because he is very charming and fun to be with, and in his own way, does love his girls. He just has so many issues.

I had to be really careful when they were growing up never to criticize him to them. It was hard when they asked why we got a divorce, and were pretty darn accusing to me about it, to not vent about how he gambled away our mortgage money, never helped at home, blah, blah, blah. But I had to walk a fine line between not criticizing their dad (who after all is part of them!), and being untruthful. As they got older I told them bits more, but still left it for them to pretty much fill in the blanks and draw their own conclusions. I also went out of my way to make it easy for him - to do all the driving, to not demand things he couldn't live up to. Not for him, but for them. Never thought they saw it, but, they did.....

For a long time, I think they felt more sorry for him than anything else. They felt like he had a rough time, and we had so much, particularly after I remarried. So, they kinda had to defend him, and be loyal to him, because he was alone, if that makes sense?

Also, my hubbie's relationship with them was a little strained. After all - he got to play the role of "responsible one", the "bad guy" who said no, who set boundaries, whereas their dad was the good guy they played with, and organized his day with them around what they wanted to do. I used to feel they really didn't see whose love could be most depended on, if that makes sense.

Now they're 17 and 15. They get it. They know. They still love their dad, but realistically. They're growing up. It's not perfect yet - (teenage daughters are a joy and a pain!), but a lot of my fears and sense they wouldn't understand it, were groundless.

I wish you all the best! Destiny is lucky to have you in her life,

Cheryl

[littletanzy]

Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. I feel exactly like you on a lot of things. I have to play the "bad guy" as you were saying and make all the responsible decisions, whereas, when her moms around, it's all fun and games. I know in time Des will see the differences between us, whether good or bad, and appreciate the things that were sacrificed for her. But as you were saying, we don't criticize either, we just try to explain. I know in the years to come she'll have more questions, and she'll understand the difficult time we've had dealing with this. But in the meantime, it's hard to go through the day to day struggles and not be a little resentlful!!!

Best of luck!!

[Keana]

For me, as a young child, it was 'The Fantasy'. As long as I had my mom in the picture, all was right in the world. Not great logic for a child, but the simplest one. My dad and step mom ended up bitter about my mom because I adored her so much, even though I rarely saw her.

Your daughter knows who is there for her everyday for any and everything, and in a way, this gives her security to want the whole fantasy. You've actually helped her to keep loving her mother, and when she is old enough to truly understand and accept the reality, it will be easier to still like her mom.

Hang in there, knowing you are a great parent, very open and giving. Trust in your relationship with your daughter.

Keana

[littletanzy]

I do believe it is the fantasy for her. Even at the age of 10, she believes she is her mothers savior. And to a certain degree, I want her to keep that fantasy. Destiny is a very giving and loving child. She always wants everyone else to be happy, even at her own expense. So to take that fantasy that one day her mom will get better and be around for good, would only break her spirit. But from the "stepparent" point of view, how do you know when to seperate the fantasy from the reality. I don't want to take her mom's place, but I feel like if I take that fantasy away from her, she'll be resentful towards me. That she'll feel it was my fault she lost hope, and hold it against me. In all honestly, regardless of how difficult it is for me, I want Des to have a relationship with her mom. Simply because that is what would make Destiny happy. I am somewhat jealous that I'm not the one that can give that to her, but if I have any part in making it a reality for her, I would go to the end of the world to get it. It's just hard to know where the boundary line is, and how far to take things without stepping on people's feet, or making the situtation worse. I just hope that I can provide a strong foundation for Destiny to grow from, and in the end, if I can help her in anyway to achieve her dreams and goals I'll know that I did something right. Until then, I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed!!