[Firewife]

I currently have a 9 year old daughter who has no idea that my husband is not her father. Her father and I met when I was a junior in high school and I got pregnant. He knew that there was a strong possibility that he was the father, but when I told him that I didnt want him to be a part of my life, he left. It was his decision to leave, I did not force him not to be a part of her life. Anyway, my husband and I got together when my daughter was a baby. She has known him as her daddy since. My husband wants to adopt, but the problem we face is that we have to contact the B/F and give him the opportunity to terminate his rights (he was never on the birth certificate). We will also have to tell our daughter that the person she thought was her father, really is not and she has an older sister. Has anyone gone through this similar situation? If so, what advise do you have? I would be happy to go on with the way things are, but if something happens to me then my husband has no rights.

[Firewife]

Okay. After reading a few post I realized that I was wrong for not telling my daughter the truth about her BF and letting her believe that my husband is her father. What parents do to protect their children when it can actually be harmful. She is aware that she is differnt from her siblings because her name is different (she has my maiden name). She also knows that her daddy and I were not married or together when she was born. She never has asked why and we never have told her why.

I am in the process of contacting my daughters BF. I never thought it would be so difficult. When I do finally speak to him, what do I say? "Sorry I havent called in the last 9 years, but are you aware that we have a daughter together?" He could have called me as many times as I could have called him. Am I wrong to feel this way? I really need some advise on this. I dont even know how to go about telling him that I want him to terminate his rights. What do I do if he wants to have his visitations? Do I let her meet him? If someone could please help me with this I would greatly appreciate it. I just need some friendly advise.

[Jensboys]

BEating yourself up for things that you cannot change now wont help you, your daughter or your husband.

Firstly, before things get stirred up to far, meet with a counsellor or read a few good books. Discuss things with your husband and then BOTH OF YOU sit down and talk with your daughter. I dont know if she knows about the "facts of life" yet ... but you can make it talk around that. Yes she NEEDs to know and NEEDS to know before puberty and all the rebellion that brings out.

So you can talk with her about how much you and daddy love her and how special she is etc. Then talk about how she knows that mom and dad werent married when she was born and that she has a different last name that her bros/sis and that you would like to change that. Explain that although Daddy is her Daddy (maybe have your husband do this part -- talking about how he felt the first time he saw her, how special she was, how much he wanted to be her dad, how thankful he was that he could be her daddy) and always will be, that a different man helped to make her. This man is called her biological father. Praise her for being so mature and grown up now that you knew she could understand how babies were made and what babies need from their parents.

The strongest point being that she

#1) Needs to be given permission to grieve and to ask all the questions she needs to.

#2) Needs to understand that her world isnt going to change.

#3) Needs to understand that her dad loves her to bits

#4) Needs to understand that teenagers arent ready to be parents usually and you appreciate that her biological father knew she needed a special daddy (like the one she has) instead of a teenager not ready to be her dad.


Regarding contact with bio dad - wait and see. If they both want it -- start with letters etc....

Mostly - reassure her and dont let your own insecurities get in the way of the truth ... Good luck! I know it is hard!!!

[Firewife]

Thank you Jensboys for your response. I am just starting the process of dealing with this, and it has been difficult.

Since my last post, I have contacted my daughters BF and he is willing to relinquish his rights and allow my husband to adopt our daughter. We had a very long thereaputic talk.

The only problem is that he wants to have a relationship with our daughter and for our families to become close friends. While I am not opposed to him developing a relationship with our daughter, I am opposed to our families becoming close friends. I believe that will put my husband in an uncomfortable situation. Also, he is wanting to relinquish his rights so he doesnt have to pay child support, but he wants to have visitiation rights.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well...it's been 9 years and he did what you asked and left you alone...I think you should seriously consider letting him have some sort of a limited relationship with your daughter...if that is what she wants. As for the child support....that is a lot of back child support, i think it would be unfair to ask him for that. It wasnt just his fault, after all. And really, he isnt relinquishing his rights so he wont pay child support...he is doing it because you asked him to. Otherwise it more than likely would never have been an issue, as you had never served him with paperwork to pay child support in the first place. He sounds like a stand-up guy, to me. Maybe it would be wise for you, him, and your husband to have a face to face chat somewhere neutral ( a restaraunt??) and discuss it. Then maybe you and your hubby should talk to your daughter, then have the four of you meet and decide on giving them some alone time from there(depending on how things go). After all from what you said it sounds like even if he didnt sign over and you gave him a support order, he would still want the relationship.... It isnt fair to use the child support as leverage in this case (IMO) since it was both people's responsibility.

[Firewife]

When I contacted him I gave him two options:

1) Establish a relationship with his daughter and start off with visitation/child support. (At this time in our life we dont need the child support; however, child support is an obligation that all non-custodial parents have to pay. I am not concerned with child support. If it was about the child support I would have contacted him years ago when child support was needed to support her. I am not trying to use child support as a leverage.)

2)Relinquish his rights and let my husband and I continue to live our lives with our children as close to the same as we were before we contacted him, except that we would allow contact with our daughter for birthdays, holidays, special occassions, etc. After all, he is her father and when she gets older she may want to know him more. This would give her the opportunity to get to know him.

Am I being unfair at all about this? If so, what would the appropriate actions regarding this be?

He wants to establish a relationship not only with her but with my entire immediate family(husband and kids included). He would like for all of us to get together on a regular basis either at our house or his and hang out. How would I explain this relationship to my children?

I dont want to remove him from her life, just if he relinquishes his rights I want to limit his access (not give standard visitation).

We are setting up a meeting to discuss this face to face with the three of us (me, my husband, and him). He deserves to know the man who has supported his daughter for the past 8 years and and what type of a person my husband is. After the three of us meet we are going to set up a time that she can meet him and her older sister. (He has a daughter from a previous relationship)


If it seems that I am bitter about any of this, I am not. I am just trying to work through this and maybe get advise from people in a similar situation.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I Think the plan you are going with is best.... You SHOULD set boundaries and be honest! I hope everything works out!!!

[littletanzy]

My husband and I were in somewhat of a similar situation. My steppdaughter, who is now 10, believed another man was her father for the first 6 years of her life. It was because the mother did not want my husband to be the father, but instead wanted the "love of her life" to be the dad...so, she didn't even tell my husband there was a possibility it was his. Like I said, at the age of 6 rumors started flying that it was my husbands child instead of the other guys (her and my husband had dated, so there was a possibility of her being his). During a court child support hearing between this woman and the "so-called" dad, my husband interrupted and asked for a DNA test. I'm sure by now you've realized it was his.

I had been married to my husband for almost 6 years by then, so you can imagine the emotions I was going through. Needless to say, after finding out the truth, the courts put the child in her cousins' custody..(the mother at the time was dealing with an addiction and didn't have custody of any of her kids). The hard part about it was going to this 6 yr old and telling her that her dad wasn't her dad...and this total stranger was. How should we go about this? All the emotions and questions you're asking yourself...I've been there. Eventually, we decided to just tell her the truth in a manner that a 6 yr. old could understand (as far as sex, and why one was her daddy and not the other). It was amazing how much she comprehended and how easy she took it. Not to say that every child is the same way, but if you're up-front with her, and explain everything without holding back, you'd be surprised at how they deal with it. Sure there's a lot of mixed emotions, but kids deal with things in a much simpler way than adults do. We tend to look at all the minor details, whereas kids just look at the basic big picture. So, a lot of the fears you have, although well justified, will be of no concern to your daughter. Give her a chance to know the truth, and be open and honest...even if you have to ask her to forgive you for some things. I think you'll be surprise how things seem to work out when you always keep the childs feelings in mind and put them above everything else. Now, my steppdaughter has lived with us for the last 4 years. We have a wonderful relationship. Her mom is only in the picture every once in a while since she is still dealing with her "issues", but things get better every day.

As far as her real father's family...been there done that too. I wouldn't worry about it until the time comes. We have become a part of my steppdaughter's moms family, even though we didn't want to, just because that's what she wanted. We realized in order for her to have a healthy relationship with everyone she loved, we had to make a few sacrifices. It's actually worked out better than we could have ever hoped for. While this may not help much, it may ease your mind to know that someone else has felt the way you do, and you're not alone in your fears.

Good luck to you, and God Bless!!!