[Birthathome]

Ok, yes, I know I do, (I would do anything not to have to), but when? My DH and I have been together since our daughter was 2 1/2. He adopted her when she was 5--she is now 6. He is the only father she has known. She has commented several times about him not being there when she was little and then mentioned once, "how did you have me if you weren't married?" We've skirted around them, but the reason I don't want to tell her now (or ever, to be honest) is that her biological loser (just can't say father) was a very sick perverted man. He did some awful things to other women when we were married (that I didn't know about) and later I found out he was accused of 'messing' with his sister's daughters. After I kicked him out (dd was 4 months old) his family said, "oh, sure we knew he had problems, but we figured if he married you they would go away". Lovely. Anyway, how can I tell a 6 yr old why he isn't around. Oh, sweetie, you're dad was a perverted weirdo--that's why he's not around. WHY, WHY, WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL HER. I'm just absolutely sick about it. I know I have more questions, but this upsets me so bad i've forgotten half of them. Thank you so much in advance for any advice.

[spaypets]

You have to tell her the truth, though at this point not the whole truth.

"Sweetie, remember when you asked why daddy wasn't around when you were little? Well, that's because another man made you with me -- he was my husband and we made a baby and that was you!" (I'm assuming she knows where babies come from -- you'd better have that talk too).

"The sad part of this story is that he wasn't a very nice man, and when I realized that he might hurt us, I made him leave. Later, I met Daddy and he fell in love with me and you and we wanted to make a family. "

Assure her that the fact that she was the good thing that came out of your marriage and you can't say it was a total mistake because you wouldn't have her otherwise.

She needs to know because she already has questions. Lying would be worse. You don't need to tell her all the details, just that it wasn't safe to stay married to him.

[Xanny]

I couldn't say it better myself, except to add that you'd better tell her, because if you don't you run the risk that someone else will.

I grew up with a girl in a similar situation. Here bdad had emotional problems and eventually committed suicide, I believe. Her dad is one of the greatest guys around. At her wedding, they had pictures of each generation getting married: his parents and grandparents, her parents and grandparents. The picture of her parents was of the ones that raised her. She did eventually meet her bdad, but never had much of a relationship with him. When her bdad died, her aunt got in touch with her, and she does have a relationship with her aunt now (she will be 34 this year).

Hang in there. The important thing is that you are both out of that situation and you now have a great husband and dad in your lives.

Xanny

[crick]

Your daughter's questions should be answered, and yes, she should be told that she is adopted. You don't want family members letting it slip etc. and give her reason to be angry with you for keeping secrets. It's much better that she hear about it from you and dad.

However, at this age, there's no reason to go into the details of her bfather. She doesn't need to hear about his sexual abuse etc. That would be in my mind, more damaging to hear.

I don't know the exact words I would use. When my kids ask questions about their parents who neglected them, I usually say things along the lines of "they loved you but couldn't take care of you because they had problems." "Sometimes people make bad decisions and they can't take care of their children." Age appropriate word usage, of course. For your daughter, maybe you can just say "your bdad made wrong decisions and it wasn't safe for you or me to stay with him" etc.

I would also then finish the discussion with focusing on her adad and say how much he loves her and it's so great that you both found such a special man who loves us and wanted to be a family"

Hopefully there will be others on the forum who have gone through similar situations and can help with more exact explanations.

Crick

[crick]

spaypets - our posts crossed! You said exactly what I was trying to say!

[spaypets]

Great minds think alike Crick!

[patrisha]

She does need to be told. My daughter was also raised by her step father. We waited until she was 11 for the formal adoption because of other legal factors. The hard part for you will be explaining that her birth dad was a troubled individual without it affecting her own self esteem (because of their biological connection). IMO his behavior was so atrocious you wouldn't want her to hear it from someone else first in a tactless or demeaning way.

My daughter's birth father changed while in Viet Nam. He came back a drug addicted alcoholic that really didn't care about anyone (including himself). His behavior was so violent and unpredictable allowing visits (even if he had tried) was pretty much out of the question. When she was little I had make sure my frustration with him didn't come accross in my attitude or words when I was talking to her about him. I focused on making sure she understood it was adult problems that caused our divorce and his absence. I still think it affected her a little, even though you couldn't have asked for a more devoted step father.

It's tough situation.

Trish

[biomom]

Thanks for your post. I am in the same situation. My husband is getting ready to adopt my daughter. She doesn't remember her bdad and has asked the same question about how did we have her before we were married because she remembers us getting married. Thanks. I needed to read these replies.

[Joyful Momma]

Just wanted to add one more thought...everything looks great that has been suggested, but I'm guessing that your daughter will still have the "well why doesn't my other daddy want to be with me, does he know I'm here, etc". It also sounds like she has a bit of resentment/anger at why her a-dad wasn't around when she was little.

One of the most important things you can do during this conversation is to reassure, and restate exactly how much a blessing she is to her a-dad. As a woman who always wanted kids, but at 27 was still single and floating, when I met my husband, and he asked me to marry him and to be a mother to his children (ex-wife abandoned family completed after years of psycho behavior), I was thrilled. This was the family God had for me!

Please make sure that you and your husband talk to your daughter together about this. Make sure that she knows that God makes families in people's hearts, not just through blood. The more she feels her daddy's love, the less she'll worry about any people who contributed to her DNA!

My kids love to hear me tell of how I couldn't make a baby yet because I wasn't married, but that God knew that, and wanted me to be a mommy so much that he had another woman give birth to them. They know that I carried them in my heart (I've prayed for my children since before I knew them). They know that they are my "first-borns" and that no matter what, I will always be their mom.

Anyway, just wanted to make sure that she has that daddy-love re-affirmed to her. Might not be a bad idea for "daddy-daughter date nights" pretty soon. My brother-in-law does this with his three girls, where they have a fun afternoon of McDonalds and miniature golf just daddy and daughter.

If you don't make a big deal out of it all, neither will she.

[sugarbabysmommy]

The sooner you tell her, the better. I know it's hard for so many reasons to do this, especially after so much time has past, but do it. She will ask questions and be honest always. There are things she shouldn't know now and if the conversation heads toward them you can say to her, "Some of what happened is pretty grown up stuff between (insert name here) and me and we'll talk about them when you are older," or something to that effect. She needs to know you want to and will share with her what you know, even if it's over time. A sure way to kill trust is to answer a child's question, "Is that everything you know about my birthparent?" with yes when more is actually known but deemed not age appropriate, because it will eventually come out.

As I see it, one of the hardest parts might be the timing of her birhtfather's leaving, that she may worry she was the cause given it was so close to her birth.

Keeping things simple and following her lead are important, answering questions as she has them. It may also be good to to let her know that there are all sorts of families in the world, in the neighborhood for that matter, and each is special.

Finally, I just wanted to add, that feeling all the love from her dad is no gaurentee she won't want to know about her birthfather. I am loved to the ends of the Earth by my dad, but that doesn't change that I have another man's DNA and will forever wonder about him.